In the past few months, my H and I have had such difficult times that we both pushed eachother to our limits. There are lots of issues we need to work out, but because of all the problems, it seems like I want to save our marriage more than he does. It seems like he just wants to give up and be good friends. I love him so much and I know he loves me, but I believe we are very fearful of falling into the same destructive patern. After many discussions, we are now going through a trial separation to give eachother time to breathe and think about whether or not we are truly meant to be together. I am very attached to my family and he is not. Family has been one of our main causes for arguing and it's simply because my family is very united and affectionate and he is not. They have done nothing to him, as a matter of fact, my parents have even tried to help with our problems, but he just takes it as if they are attacking him! As a result he wants NOTHING to do with them and that hurts me deeply. There are issues about myself that I'm willing to change, but he seems so fed up that he's not willing to change. We have been separated for a total of 5 days. I'm staying with my parents. I left because I have all my family here and he doesn't. His family lives in Mexico City. He has always said that he wants to go back as soon as a good opportunity comes up for him back home. I feel devestated about leaving my family and my country. I've been to Mexico City often, but just can't see myself living there. If things worked out, should I leave with him to Mexico City?? Am I being unfair? I'm seeing a psychologist now who is helping me tremendously. We're taking things one step at a time, but this question has been lingering in my head for a couple of days now. Please tell me...Is it worth leaving your family and your country for your husband? I guess the truth is that if I love him, I should give up everything for him, but I have a feeling that I will NOT be happy there. Please help!

Ginnie,<BR>I actually came to this web-site to post some struggles with a conflict in my own marriage, not that things are bad. My wife and I are at a religious difference impasse. With that aside, I came across a couple of your posts and felt compelled to share some insight on your percieved husband's verbal abuse and your relational conflict. I don't claim to be an expert by any means but I am someone that can relate to your plight not as a victim myself, but as a person that was guilty of verbally abusing and verbally assualting my wife.<P>Just a little background, our relationship deteriorated to a pretty bad argument a year ago. My wife left and I was presented with a restraining order and a paper trail that was the beginning of a legal seperation. In the interrim I checked myself in to a Christian yet state ordained center for domestic violence. My wife did the same. To make a long story short, we are now living together again and thankfully God has miraculously changed my heart but given us a second chance. <P>Some insight into your husband. It sounds like he needs help. He sounds just like me prior to a year ago. I was a nice guy, but then Mr.Hyde would come out. And most of the time it was directed at my wife. I belittled her to the point that I even told her she wasn't being a Godly wife. The fact is, I was abusing her. It wasn't until God brought me to my knees and broke my hardened heart filled with male pride ("I am head of the house!", "you are to submit to my head ship!")that I was able to let God in and start a change in my heart. When I entered into the program I thought at first, "I am just here for the anger management, domestic abuse is for those that physically hit their spouses and I have never hit my wife." I was wrong. Domestic abuse is anything directed at someone as a means for power and control. This includes verbal abuse.<P>You can't change your husband and don't take the blame for the way he is treating you. My wife did that for many years acting like the "good Christian wife" and I applaud her for the courage she had to file that order against me and to leave me. I didn't believe she could leave me either. It was the only thing serious enough to wake me up and make me want to change my life. But I had to want to make that change. You see, your husband follows a pattern when he is abusive to you; a cycle of abuse if you will. It is a cycle that has to be broken, recognized, acknowledged, and changed by him. Change starts with admitting he is abusive, then comes awareness of his cycle and getting the tools he needs to change. Part of this is accountability. Otherwise the abuse will continue and may even get worse.<P>Thankfully, I have been doing well with my group and have really gotten some great help and lasting tools to help me to never again abuse my wife. I have also become a happier person in general. Before, I was just as stressed as your husband sounds. I also thank God that my wife had the faith and courage in me and commitment to our marriage to give me another chance. I would encourage you to read up on domestic violence, especially verbal abuse. If your husband is willing to acknowledge he has a problem and do something about it, not for you, but for himself, then you should give him that chance, but not until after he has sought and entered professional help for domestic violence. I will say this, most domestic violence centers encourage seperation for a while until he starts to learn some of his patterns. This is encouraged not only for safety reasons but also to stop the cycle until he gets help. In time you can move on with your marriage and then eventually on to marriage counseling. I always thought that all my wife and I needed was marriage counseling to solve our problems, but there was a deeper issue that needed to be taken care of first. My need to dominate and control her. I will admit, I was pretty ignorant of my actions until I started to learn just what I was doing to her until I was enabled to put definitions to my actions. Awareness was a big thing, but only the start. <P>As for your potential move to get away from family, I can relate to that from your husband's perspective. We too moved to get away from family, hers especially. But even the distance didn't solve our problems. I wanted very much to be accepted by my in-laws as a good husband to my wife. I have constantly been met with a barrage of arrows of unacceptance. My wife too is very close to her family. I also feel that they have meddled into our marriage and have done some considerable damage. Since I have been in domestic violence counseling I have actually been able to communicate with my wife in a civil way. We have had a much healthier way of dealing with conflict. We are looking for resolution instead resentment. We have actually been able to share our feelings, good and bad, in very constructive ways. Some of my feelings I have been able to share is that I just don't like my in-laws and that's OK. They have caused me and our marriage a great deal of pain and I always used to project my feelings of anger and bitterness towards my wife because I felt she should have defended me. The fact is most of DV awareness is about controlling myself when I am faced with a difficult situation. I chose to be angry, someone didn't force me to be angry. Where I am going with this is, I had to admit I didn't like my in-laws and convey to my wife how they made me feel. Once I was able to do that she was able to validate my feelings and at least sympathize with my bitterness towards them. It didn't alienate her from her family but it did help us to be more on the same page and made me feel that my feelings were validated. Now she helps me and stands with me when they try to push my buttons. And it has worked both ways with my family as well. I am at the point where I don't let her family hurt me anymore because I have truly distanced myself enough from them by letting go. Ironically, once I was able to grasp this I have become OK with family visits and actually doing things with them. The bottom line is that my wife and I are working through truly "leaving and cleaving". We are our own family. You need to be able to communicate and validate each others feelings as husband and wife to continue your relationship and build your own family. Family interference, no matter how well intended, can really do a lot of damage. <P>Mind you, wonderful things are happening to us now and our marriage is where it should have been a long time ago. They aren't perfect but we are much happier. But, I believe, only after I have been taking care of my struggle with DV. Take care of that first and I believe that potentially your other conflicts will smooth out as well. I don't know if this helps you at all. I pray that my background of a verbally abusive relationship may give you some awareness and ultimately some encouragement that you are not alone and that there is help out there. Most of all, there is hope. We have a loving Savior who has promised never to leave us or forsake us. I believe He is the one who ultimately had a hand in healing my marriage. Keep your eyes on Him and He will help you to do the right thing.<P>Respectfully...<P> <P>[This message has been edited by GAS (edited March 08, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by GAS (edited March 08, 2000).]

Thank you GAS for responding to my post and for sharing with me your personal experience. After reading your story I am sure that if my H would just recognize that he needs help and does something to obtain it, our marriage can be saved. He is just so wrapped up in his obsession for success, that I believe he's managed to completely block me out of his life and just concentrate on his studies and goals for success. It hurts me to think that in his mind I am simply something that got in the way. At first, his priority was to be with me, so he left it all to be with me...Now it seems like he realized what a mistake he made. I agree how dangerous it can be when family interferes. My husband's rejection towards my family has resulted in them never coming over to see us and hardly ever calling. They have never given him a reason to feel resentment towards them. That's why I feel so confused. I've been talking with a psychologist and she's helped put things into perspective. She's helped me understand him and his acctions more, but I fear that it may be too late to save our marriage. I don't think he wants to save anything. I think his pride is stronger than his love for me. We are supposed to meet for dinner this week, but I'm afraid he's just going to tell me how happy he's been and how much he's enjoying being alone. I feel awful without him. I think about him and our life together all the time. I do feel like I need him, but I don't think he feels the same. His mother is a very big influence on him and I'm sure she's thrilled about her baby being hers again. I don't mean to be sarcastic, but I am going through so many mixed feelings and emotions. At times I just cry and cry until I fall asleep. I know I've loved with a pure heart, but he's taken my heart and ripped it to shreds. I was thinking that perhaps I would put my pride aside one more time and ask if he would be willing to speak to my psychologist. I'm sure she can help us so much if he'd just give us a chance. In the meantime, I think the best thing for me to do is accept this painful situation and learn to deal with my emotions. Everybody tells me to be strong and to try not to suffer. But, how can't I NOT suffer when the man that I love doesn't love me the way I love him? I know I must sound desperate, but that's the way I feel. I will continue going to therapy and learning how to deal with this painful experience. I have embraced God and his love and I have faith that if this is the man that God wants me to be with, we will get back together with transformed hearts and if he's truly not for me, than God will help me erase this love I feel for him so I can go on with my life. Thanks again for sharing your experience with me. I wish you all of God's blessings in your marriage and I wish you all the best.