Hi everyone<P>I need some feedback please!! My husband and I are having this problem. He has a female friend at the office which I discovered quite accidentally because I intercepted 2 emails from her on his email on the weekend (which he only checked when I wasn't around). Anyway, bottom line is in spite of my feelings about their frienship, he has told me he is going to conitinue the friendship at its present level which he says is occasional hellos at work but otherwise strickly all email based. <P>I might not have had a problem with this but for 3 reasons.<P>1) if any of you remember my other posts, we have been here before almost 2 years ago with a nother "friend" that had escalated to and "emotional friendship." It almost cost of our marriage.<P>2) this relationship has been going on for some time apparently, I only discovered it because I have not been completely trusting of him since the last time and "investigated." Turns out they have been in this kind of relationhip for some time.<P>3) I'm 6 months pregnant and this relationship is extremlely stressfull for me but it's not stopping him.<P>He told me flat out today that they talk everyday strickly by email and he doesn't think or want me to meet her because that would take their relationship to a "personal" level and he doesn't want to go there. He also doesn't think he should discuss with me anthing that they talk about, yet he talks with me about conversations he has with other people at the office. He says he's not romantically interested in her,nor she him but they have a lot in commong to talk about. He says the reason he doesn't tell me what they talk about is because it will start a fight.<P>What am I missing here? Am I overreacting and not trusting or is he giving me a reason not to trust him?<P>Are friends like this at work okay????? I have female friends but I don't even email them at work unless I need to.<P><BR>Other than that, our relationship is good, we get along and he's loving and affectionate. I just think that what he's doing is playing a dangerous game with this woman by walling off this relationship from me.

With the history you mention, I think your H is being extremely unfair. This relationship sounds weird to me ... I mean, if it were someone he met over the internet and not in person, I wouldn't be concerned. But an e-mail relationship with someone from work? That's just weird! And what is it they have in common? And why can't he talk to you about it? Having my H fill me in on what's going on with the OW (EA) has helped to reassure me, and he's been very good about it.<P>My reaction would be to try and make him see how much it scares and hurts you, but sounds like his reaction would be just like my H, very defensive and bordering on belligerent. I hope you get some male opinions here.<P>I can say, though, that since you're essentially powerless to do anything about it, just keep on treating him right -- anxiety and jealousy are not very attractive. I know it's hard, 'cause I'm going through the same kind of thing, but at least you'll be more at peace with yourself.<BR>

Windy,<P>First of all let me assure you that you are not over reacting! Even without the history your H has, every one of his repsonses to you signals that this in an inappropraite realtionship for a married man. I'm just curious but in the time between the last time this happened and now, did you and your H work to incorperate any of Dr. Harley's concepts into your marriage? <P>Dr. Harley's Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA) and the Policy of Total Honesty would really nip this in the bud if they were in place in your marriage. <P>You may want to look into the plan A (and B just to be informed about it) areas on this site. Right now your H appears to be in denial about the true nature and extent of this relationship. From what you have said here it doesn't sound like he is withdrawn from you (yet?). I wish I had a magic formula for you but I don't.<P>K can you help here?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Windy:<BR><B>Hi everyone<P>I need some feedback please!! My husband and I are having this problem. He has a female friend at the office which I discovered quite accidentally because I intercepted 2 emails from her on his email on the weekend (which he only checked when I wasn't around). Anyway, bottom line is in spite of my feelings about their frienship, he has told me he is going to conitinue the friendship at its present level which he says is occasional hellos at work but otherwise strickly all email based. <P>I might not have had a problem with this but for 3 reasons.<P>1) if any of you remember my other posts, we have been here before almost 2 years ago with a nother "friend" that had escalated to and "emotional friendship." It almost cost of our marriage.<P>2) this relationship has been going on for some time apparently, I only discovered it because I have not been completely trusting of him since the last time and "investigated." Turns out they have been in this kind of relationhip for some time.<P>3) I'm 6 months pregnant and this relationship is extremlely stressfull for me but it's not stopping him.<P>He told me flat out today that they talk everyday strickly by email and he doesn't think or want me to meet her because that would take their relationship to a "personal" level and he doesn't want to go there. He also doesn't think he should discuss with me anthing that they talk about, yet he talks with me about conversations he has with other people at the office. He says he's not romantically interested in her,nor she him but they have a lot in commong to talk about. He says the reason he doesn't tell me what they talk about is because it will start a fight.<P>What am I missing here? Am I overreacting and not trusting or is he giving me a reason not to trust him?<P>Are friends like this at work okay????? I have female friends but I don't even email them at work unless I need to.<P><BR>Other than that, our relationship is good, we get along and he's loving and affectionate. I just think that what he's doing is playing a dangerous game with this woman by walling off this relationship from me.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Windy,<BR>I, as a wife, would be greatly disturbed by this relationship if I were you. I do not think this type of bonding with a coworker of the opposite sex is healthy, especially when he refuses to discuss with you the topics of their conversation. <P>What would he say if you had this type relationship with a male friend? <P>I think marriage is hard enough and a whole lot of work without the added pressures of this type situation.<P>I wish I had some advice for you, but really I don't. If he continues to be so openly friendly with the lady and is sincere when saying "it's nothing", the be sure and warn him against her. It may be nothing to him, when in fact she could be in strong pursuit of him.<P>Good Luck!<P><P>------------------<BR>Windy

Windy, feel free to e-mail me personally if you ever feel the need to vent: MzPen8@aol.com. <P>Being 6 months pregnant, this is certainly no time for you to have to put up with this S***!<BR>

Thanks!! I would like to email you! <P>I have decided that I can't stress over this anymore. I have told him it hurts. He's says he'll give up the friendship if that's what I want, but I can't be responsible for that decision. He has to make that decision otherwise it will be full of resentment towards me for making him. <P>Anyway, I told him I was backing off to protect myself. That's probably not the right thing to do, but it's better than stressing about it everyday wondering what they're talking about. He said he would "try" to "share" with me what she and he talk about. That indicates that he doesn't want to give it up. <P>Thanks guys for making me feel better about this because I know that I'm not overreacting to it which gives me the courage to take charge of my life.

Mudder,<P>No, we didn't do that...he doesn't think that is necessary. He said he didn't tell me about this relationship up front because he knew it would hurt me and he didn't want to hurt me or to fight about it. He thought in time he would bring it up to me!!

Hi Windy,<P>Seems like no males have responded so I will....I have been thru what you are going thru from the male side...<BR>I have also been a betrayer as well and have been thru separation much therapy and counselling back thru recovery reconciliation to a stable happy relationship again..my W has several friendships with OM as well as OW that no longer bother me and are no cause for alarm any longer...the work I did on myself changed all that...and the work she did on herself changed her outlook and behaviour also.....the key to peace lay more in what we did singularly and separately about how we felt deep down and the courage it took to face those issues of fear and hurt and to allow them to leave.....<P>Our relationship was incidental almost to the discovery of self....until that discovery was made our relationship did not stand much of a chance of being healthy and truly happy.....we had been trying to be happy sorta like humans doing instead of humans being...but its difficult to just be when you dont feel like it fits....only when our deep fears had been set free that self understanding gradually became clearer...<P>With time and constant awareness of why we were acting and reacting to situations....why our emotions were fluctuating as they did (and still do)did we make rapid progress... we learned how to deal with them...happiness then became more a natural thing not something we had to work at any longer...<BR> <P>Like the others I too would have some cause for concern over your H having this friendship in this way, more particularly in light of previous experience...<P>If he had nothing to hide what would he be afraid of in telling you what they talk about...why does he have to have a relationship like that if he knows it would upset you...? who does he care for here...? seems like to me that he has his priorities a little misplaced perhaps..?<P>The contact with this lady in view of his previous behaviour would lead me to believe that he has not yet learned from the trauma that incident caused, nor has he delved into the recesses of his pain that motivates this kind of behaviour....<P>Early pain and hurt from childhood stay buried within us and when we get into a committed relationship, we repeat the patterns set up by that early experience of pain and loss, and we seek escape from the fear that brings, and unless we get professional help or go thru deep emotional upheaval that forces us to drop our defenses and expose that pain hurt and fear in order to be able to let it go to be free, we will continue to run away from its percieved cause (you in this case)...which is of course not true...<P>He will only feel this fear with someone he loves (as he did as a child) ...when the responsibilities that go with a committed relationship weigh heavily on him too it is easy to see why another lady would look nice and feel free and easy to talk to and can seem like a person to have a lot in common with....and he can begin to view her thru rose coloured glasses...often referred to as being in Disneyland.....but if he decides to make her his prime partner and leave you...the responsibilities that he felt with your relationship transfer to that one and when his love for her deepens he becomes increasingly more vunerable to his pain and fear from long ago as he did with you....and so starts his merry go round again....and he will again run if he doesnt face himself.....<P>This happens with both male and female...Liz Taylor and Michael Douglas are good public examples of this,.....we all have these hurts and fears and we deal with them as best we can with what we know...we dont get taught such things in school so have to learn the hard way, not very pleasant at times....<P>You do seem to have an awareness of what is right for you....most women use their intuition very well in these cases and your antennas seem to be tuned in very well...<P>I believe maintaining a good self image is very important when relationship problems arise....we often feel it is our fault our spouse behaves in a certain way and feel guilty as a result...not only is this not usually true but it is also unfair on ourselves...<P>As difficult as it may be to keep your self esteem high and keep seeing things clearly...any effort to do so brings strength perspective understanding and wisdom then clarity and direction become easier to maintain....<P>I hope it can help...<BR>Blessings<P>cossie...<P><P>------------------<BR>To know who you are is to see who I am....

Windy:<P>I'm afraid that I don't have a magic formula for this either. In fact, I think that I would have taken up your husband's offer for him to end contact. Yes, it would cause some resentment, but I think it's the lesser of two evils.<P>I'd suggest that you purchase the book "Give and Take" from the website. Read through it, and see if you can share it with your husband (even read it to him...). This book has extensive information on the Policy of Joint Agreement and the Rule of Complete Honesty, and as Mudder says, the application of these rules would nip this problem in the bud.<P>Take good care of yourself and that baby!

Windy - I e-mailed 2 devotionals to MzPen - I would have sent them to you but didn't have your e-mail. Both of them deal w/ what you are going through and I hope you can get something from them. I'll be more than happy to post them if you or someone else would like to read. (They are from Family Life)<P>God bless.

Cossie and everybody else, thanks so much for caring and responding. I know that since the first incident, I have not fully trusted my h and this has made things very hard for us to move forward. One of my problems is that of insecurity, I am 12 years older than my h and when he gets into these relationships, I am always told "well, she's my age" which is a hard pill to swallow. This new friend has recently had twins (and of course is HIS age) and he says that's what they have in commong because he's about to have a child. I don't know...I don't see that that's enough to build a friendship, but what do I know. <P>Anyway, now he's talking about having separate checking accounts...hmmmmm...where is THIS going? Money has always been a problem for us.<P>I don't know if this is me being so insecure that I can't just allow him is own "space" and get on with my life...or if it's because deep down I think he's going to eventually leave me. I don't know!! <P>I suppose I am sensitive because of the baby, but I just don't feel the committment we once had and I don't know if it's me or him or what. <P>Anyway, some of you have had very good suggestions and I intend to work on them as well as seek help from a counselor whichI have already told him.<P>I just wish I knew how I could make him realize what a good thing he might lose. <P>

Windy - Do I know what you are going through!! I found out about my W's emotional affair by overhearing her say "I Love You" to him via voice mail. She communicaated to him at work on a daily basis because she used to work with him, but also through e-mail and voice mail. <P>When I found out about their relationship she was very considerate about breaking it off, and to stop seeing and talking with him. Over the 3 months she had, I thought, stopped talking with him, then I found out through investigating, that she still talks with him, supossedly as friends only. She also uses e-mail and voicce mail heavily to communicate with him because these things she can do without me knowing about it. I have told her that as long as they are still communicating, that we do not have a chance to get any closer, and it hurts our chances to survive. When I explain this, she says she feels bad that she is causing me pain, but that she does not want to end their relationship. I, like you, want very much for her to end their relationship, but she needs to make that decision and not me. I have the same fear that you do, that there will be resentment towards me because she ended something she did not want to. I have read other books (outside of Harley's) which basically say as much would, in fact, happen exactly as we have feared.<P>I have been in Plan A for 3 solid months with an occasional LB (I question her about her contacts with him, or nights home from work late). I am at a point where I very close to bailing out, to go to Plan B because the pain of her ignoring me and secret life is too much. <P>You are not over-reacting, and if it continues, there is no doubt it will hurt your relationship and you. I hope that Plan A works for you, and that you get some positive results.<P>God Bless You and hang in there......Lonely Boy

This sounds really suspicious and I think you have a right to be upset or curious. According to his past and relationships like this going on at the work area, I wouldn't be able to trust him. Not that this relationship he has means that something bad is going to happen or going on, but it could lead to other things. Also, if he can't discuss with you what they talk about, then he is hiding something. Good luck and hang in there.<P>------------------<BR>AC

Lonely Boy and Cota, thank you for your recent posts. Lonely Boy, I am so sorry for what you are having to deal with. Believe me how much I understand the pain that someone can continue to hurt you when they KNOW it hurts you. The problem I have is that no matter what I say to my h, he still maintains that he has this "friendship" under control and I constantly tell him that it bothers me and hurts me. He tells me that he understands, given his past, why I am having trouble understanding him, but it has NOT stopped him from his frienship with her. The trouble is, he still continues to talk about other people at work whom he says he doesn't consider "friends" and yet he doesn't talk about HER. When I question him, he says their is nothing to tell! Nothing to talk about! WEll, if you are emailing something which you admit you are everyday, how can you tell me there is nothing to tell me about what you talk about unless it is private??? And yet, no matter what I say, there is nothing to tell me!! I don't know how far to push, but I have decided I can do no more than make it EXTREMELY clear that if this continues to be aproblem for me, I do not want to continue our relationship. <P>As I have said, he told me "I think I have my frienship with her 'under control'" Although, I really don't know what that means..........<BR>Anyway, I have asked him if they talk about me or our marriage or anything, he says "no" his relationship, according to him, has nothing to do with me. He says what they have in common is that she just had 2 babies and we are having one. Not enough to build a friendship on if you ask me, I mean what can a man talk to about a woman concerning being pregnant??? So, what else could they be friends about??? And why continue it when you know it causes stress on your family.<P>Anyway, Lonely Boy, when I discovered the emotional thing going on between my h and the ow 2 years ago, he quit his job and we got onl with our lives with NO contact with her ever again. I don't think he agree with having to do that, but he knew i was going to leave him if he didn't. But now...here' a NEW friend and, I'm sorry, but I'm one of those people who believe if it happened before, it can happen again...<P>Guys, why do men need woman friends when you can be friends with your own wife...maybe I'm just too old fashioned???? What can he get from her that I can't give???<P>Cota, yes I do think he is hiding something. What i think their relationship is like is childish fooling around because I know what my husband is like...I think they send alot of meaningless emails to each other judging by what I interecepted being sent to him. I think any female you work with who needs to send an email toyour home on the weekend saying "see ya, heheheheheh" is playing around for no reason...it's silly flirtatious behaviour. Does anyone disagree?????????

Well...I got to thinking today and decided to try something...you might all think I shouldn't have but I emailed h today and this is how the conversation went. It has been several weeks since I discovered the "female friend" and still no effort on his part to talk with me about her or tell me anything, and since he told me they email each other every day, it seems as though there should be something to talk about, right? Anyway, I know I cam on strong with him, but it's because he sounds evasive to me, but I really need to know from an outsiders opinion what you all think.<P>me: So are you and Joann still emailing each other every day?<P>him: Every now and then, yes...I thought we had aldready discussed this???<P>me: we have<P>him: Then why do you ask?<P>me: What do you mean, "why do I ask?"<P>him: why do you ask if we are still talking?<P>me: I don't understand why you are asking me that? Do you think it's none of my business?<P>him: Just curious why you would come right out and just ask?!<P>me: Because it's obvious to me you are not going to volunteer the information, so if I want to know I'm going to ask. If you have a problem with that you better say so now.<P>him: nope, no problem!<P>me: And I repeat...do you think it's none of my business?<P>him: Nope<P>me: what kind of answer is "nope"<P>him: You asked...I answered!!!<P>You see why it is impossible to communicate with him about this??? His answers are just wierd. I wish he would just tell me what they talk about as he does the other people he works with, he knows how I feel, and yet he doesn't appear to care to alleviate my concerns. Or, I COULD just be blowing all of this out of proportion.

Lonely Boy...do you think it's a lovebuster to question your w about her contact with the om?? It seems to me you have aright to know if there is nothing to hide???