I have a question about the most emotional needs. One of my husband's most emotional need is for family commitment. I do not get a long with my mother-in-law. It's not like we have angry outburst or criticize each other. We just don't click. We don't have anything to talk about. I have forced my self for years to visit her whenever my husband wanted to visit her. During these times I was hardly ever acknowledged at even being there. These visits are out of state and we stay for a few days at a time. So during this time that I am there I feel hurt and left out. I feel lonely and bored out of my mind. I feel unimportant to my mother-in-law and my husband at these visits. For the past couple of years I have started declining my visits with my mother-in-law because I feel more miserable going. My husband is extremely upset that I refuse to visit his mother with him. He told me it is my wifely duty to accompany him to these visits. I have tried to explain to him how miserable I feel when I go and it doesn't seem to matter to him. I'm becoming very depressed about this issue. I feel as if I have no choice but to continue to force myself to attend these visits, even at my cost. My husband refuses to visit his mother without me. We have children and if I don't force myself to go then the children will grow up not knowing their grandmother. My mother-in-law will not come to our house to visit. My husband says it is too expensive for her to visit us. However, I believe she does not visit because she doesn't want to be in my company as well. Recently my mother-in-law called and told my husband that she was feeling very sad because our children where growing up not knowing her. I could not help but feel guilty when I was told this. I don't know what to do about this issue. I told my husband how I feel when I visit his mother and asked him to take the kids to visit his mother without me. He refuses to do so. I ask someone to please help me on this issue. As I sit here writing this tears run down my face. I feel as if there is no positive answer to this problem and it's bringing me down.

I totally understand what you mean. Even after 25+ years, I don't feel like I "fit in" with my inlaws. My husband has similar feelings with my family. Our families live about 100 miles apart, about 700 miles from where we live. And, like you, we visit for a few days at a time.<P>Like your husband, I have always felt that I owed it to my husband to visit his family with him (most of the time). But HE owes ME consideration as well. And when the family "gets to me" so that I'm feeling frustrated, left out, or whatever, it's time for HIM to make time for me and give me a break from them. <P>Sometimes we stay in a hotel instead of with his folks. Several times we have taken a day in the middle of our visit to go sight-seeing by ourselves (the kids appreciated this -- they got stressed, too).<P>This is an opportunity to do the POJA thing. What makes a vacation pleasant for you? Can you take x days with his mother if you break it up with activity y? It may be as simple as going for a walk or to a park (without Mom). <P>I have more thoughts on this subject, but I can't seem to make them make sense right now. Maybe somebody else can help.<P>