My wife (39 years old) and I (42 years) have been married for 14 years. We have 4 children ranging from 13 down to 3 months. We are both Christians and have tried several counselors over the years. The biggest problem that I see in our marriage is that my wife is still afraid to leave her parents and cleave to her husband. She has one sister (40 years old) who constantly feeds her negative opinions about our marriage. Since my wife was the "baby" of their family, her parents and sister are overly protective of her. Her mother is very insecure, and now that she is retired, her life revolves around her two girls. She refuses to "let go" of my wife, and my wife in turn loves the attention she receives from her mother and father. We have built very little emotional intimacy in our marriage because my wife is extremely loyal to her parents. She has even admitted to me that she is afraid to "leave her parents and cleave to her husband" because she thinks this will cause her to lose her parents and friends. When I tell her that by marrying me, she vowed before God to make me the most important person in her life, she gets angry and cold to me. This kind of statement also infuriates her mother and sister, and the 4 of them end up ganging up on me. I currently am not welcome in either one of their homes. They claim I am trying to "control" my wife, when in fact, I believe it is them who are controlling her. My wife admits that when she was growing up, her sister made all decisions for her (what clothes to wear, who to date, what sports to participate in, etc.). I love my wife, but I really do feel like the Lone Ranger. By God's command, my wife is supposed to be loyal to me above anyone else. Our marriage and our children are suffering. Any marital conflicts we have are promptly reported to her parents by my wife, even though she has been told by counselors that this is none of their business, and should be private between the two of us. I am growing weary of the daily pain and rejection. I suspected my wife maybe wasn't emotionally ready to leave home yet when we married, but I had no idea it would be this bad after 14 years. Am I wrong to expect more support from my wife? I don't even feel like the head of my own home. Her parents and sister take care of most of the decisions because they have convinced my wife that I can't be trusted. If my wife does end up abiding by my wishes occasionally, she pouts about it and witholds sex. I tell my wife that the greatest gift we can give our 4 kids is a happy relationship between the two of us, but she clings to her parents and sister instead. HELP! <P><BR>

Lone Ranger,<BR> I am sorry if you read what this first reply had to say, I did not write it. Making the mistake of wanting my H to come in and look around, I gave him my password, and he posted the original reply. For the most part he was right on the money with what he had to say about our families.....but none the less, I felt the need to delete it, and re-post with this explanation.<BR> <BR> The best thing that he had to say in my opinion was, "strengthen the reasons that she is still with you". She must not trust her families judgement of you 100%, or she wouldn't still be in the marriage after all this time.<P> Good luck to you! and now I am off to change my password, and look for any other posts my H may have left under my name.<BR> Laurah <P> <p>[This message has been edited by cbreeze (edited October 08, 2000).]

Lone Ranger,<P>Your wife has been painfully honest about her fears of rejection from her parents. Perhaps yopu need to go back to 1 Peter 3 and reread those verses. Being the outsider reading what was written, I hear bitterness and resentment in your message rather than a man who is trying to live with his wife in an understanding way, one who treats her as the weaker vessel, meaning fragile as in fine china.<P>How are you encouraging this fine piece of china to become her own person, capable of making her own decisions and able to trust her own sense about things rather than feeling that she has to rely on sister/parents for making decisions? How have you reassured her that you will never leave nor forsake her so that she feels safe in your home and knows that you are a safe person to follow? <P>I really believe the submissive partner can best follow a good shepherd/leader. Did God demand obedience from us or did he love us enough to give us free will? Was it his demands of obedience or his gentle pursuing of us that gives us the desire to follow as He leads? How are you lovingly pursuing your wife? How are you engaging her in the decision making things so that she realizes that you value her opinions and insight and that she can trust those insights as gifts from God which are refined as she continues to take steps to grow in this area.<P>When you look at the marriage covenant, how have you done in the honor and cherish department? Does your wife know that she is cherished above all else? Do you even know what her definition of cherish is, for it may be very different from your definition. As you read through this site, do you know what your wife's five greatest ENs are? And what are you specifically doing to meet them? If you haven't met them, has she heard you humble yourself before her and God asking forgiveness.<P>I am not trying to judge here Lone Ranger, but throw out thoughts as they come to me. Only you can know which ones, if any, the Spirit convicts you of. I just know that as a woman is also responsible for respecting her husband, very often the struggle is finding things to be respectful of is difficult. Your role as shepherd/leader is a heavy one. you responsibility to love your wife as Christ loved the church and all the ramifications of the Eph 5 verses is far greater than for the wife.<P>I will be praying for wisdom for you.

<p>[This message has been edited by Somber (edited November 01, 2000).]