The other day, I stayed home from work because I was ill. I picked up the phone to call my employer, and I heard my husband say "I have been trying to track down Trina." Trina is my husband's ex-girlfriend. I confronted him about it, and he said that I was eavesdropping and that he was trying to get in contact with her for marijuana. Two nights before this, he told me that he had not seen or talked to any of his ex-girlfriends since we'd moved to his hometown almost a year ago. Later on, I asked him for the number she gave him, he told me he threw it away. I asked for him to run through the numbers on his cell phone so that I can see if her number was in there, he became enraged and flew out the house at 3:00 am. He came back, and then was willing to show me the cell phone numbers, after he admitted that he had deleted the ex-girlfriends number. I am so hurt and feel so betrayed. I have asked him on numberous occassions if he is being with another woman or other women, and he constantly denies it. But I caught him in a lie twice in two days, I don't know what to believe anymore. I felt like if we had nothing else in our marriage at least we had trust and now I don't have that anymore.<P>I asked him to leave if he was going to be taking up company with other women. I asked him to be honest with me about his relations with other women-he won't. He threatened to leave a month ago, and packed some things and came back the next day, saying he couldn't afford to get his own place and didn't want to shack up with another guy. I told him I deserve at least for him to go on with his affairs and leave me and the kids out of it. My girls are looking at him as an example of what a man is and should be, and if he is going to lie and cheat, that is what they will expect from a man. He won't leave, he tells me to leave and handle the home selling and all the financial details. It's like he is going to continue to live the way he has, not reassure me that he is not having extramarital affairs, and say if I want to leave I can.<P>Do men admit when they cheat? If they are cheating and get caught, do they not leave their family if they know they are not going to stop being with other women?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by bmtbaby:<BR><B>The other day, I stayed home from work because I was ill. I picked up the phone to call my employer, and I heard my husband say "I have been trying to track down Trina." Trina is my husband's ex-girlfriend. I confronted him about it, and he said that I was eavesdropping and that he was trying to get in contact with her for marijuana. Two nights before this, he told me that he had not seen or talked to any of his ex-girlfriends since we'd moved to his hometown almost a year ago. Later on, I asked him for the number she gave him, he told me he threw it away. I asked for him to run through the numbers on his cell phone so that I can see if her number was in there, he became enraged and flew out the house at 3:00 am. He came back, and then was willing to show me the cell phone numbers, after he admitted that he had deleted the ex-girlfriends number. I am so hurt and feel so betrayed. I have asked him on numberous occassions if he is being with another woman or other women, and he constantly denies it. But I caught him in a lie twice in two days, I don't know what to believe anymore. I felt like if we had nothing else in our marriage at least we had trust and now I don't have that anymore.<P>I asked him to leave if he was going to be taking up company with other women. I asked him to be honest with me about his relations with other women-he won't. He threatened to leave a month ago, and packed some things and came back the next day, saying he couldn't afford to get his own place and didn't want to shack up with another guy. I told him I deserve at least for him to go on with his affairs and leave me and the kids out of it. My girls are looking at him as an example of what a man is and should be, and if he is going to lie and cheat, that is what they will expect from a man. He won't leave, he tells me to leave and handle the home selling and all the financial details. It's like he is going to continue to live the way he has, not reassure me that he is not having extramarital affairs, and say if I want to leave I can.<P>Do men admit when they cheat? If they are cheating and get caught, do they not leave their family if they know they are not going to stop being with other women?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Based on your email, I would probably assume that he has cheated at least emotionally. I think guys that cheat are very confused. They don't want to hurt their wives, but the cheating makes them feel good. Based on my experience, I know that an ex-girlfriend is the most likely person for a husband to cheat with.<P>He isn't telling you about other women because 1) he hasn't been with other women or 2) he doesn't want to lose you.<P>Instead of focusing on getting him to tell the truth, work on meeting his emotional needs. If you are meeting all his emotional needs, then he will have no reason to look elsewhere. All this talk about asking him to leave, etc. is removing love units. If this type of conversation continues, he will physically cheat if he hasn't already. Don't push him into her arms unless you really want him to leave.<P>Ask him if he will go to counseling. If he started to look for an ex-girlfriend even without doing any cheating, then you are already having problems.<P>Work on meeting his emotional needs and not doing any love busters by asking him about Trina. Ask him about his daily activities, goals, feelings, etc. -- but try not to bring up her again. Trust me I know how hard it is to bite your tongue.<P>I would suggest that you read some of the Q and A, forum responses, and books about affairs. Most of them suggest that you do a "Plan A" which basically is meeting his emotional needs and not withdrawing any love units.<P>Plus, even if I am wrong and he hasn't cheated yet ... meeting his emotional needs will strenthen your marriage.<P>------------------<BR>Jennidy<P>"Work like you don't need the money,<BR>Love like you've never been hurt, and<BR>Dance like no one's watching."

Thank you Jennidy for your response. So far this year, I know it has only been three days, we have had a WONDERFUL marriage! I have made a resolution this year to go above and beyond to meet all of my husband's emotional needs. The two things he said that attracted him to the other women was the fact that they were not overweight and they complimented him, whereas I criticized him. So, I have resolved to lose weight, which I have already shed about 10 pounds since discovering his emotional affair and I have vowed to let only positive, ego boosting remarks come out of my mouth toward my husband. I still think about how he actually became so involved with other women that he was thinking about leaving, but then I think to myself that I will never give him a reason to want to leave again. I love my husband, and you're right, I don't want him to leave I was just saying that to protect my own emotions.<P>Thank you for your encouraging advice!

Well I think most men(not all of course) want their cake and eat it too. My cheating husband continues to tell me he has NEVER did anything wrong and says what is in the past is in the past. LOL I think once a cheater always a cheater!! Mine will not leave either unless I throw him out he says and I am about there.