I had told my H to leave if he can't trust me. He came back and said "i do trust you, and I am sorry, and I don't ever want to loose you" I believed him and let him back but now I find his jelousy is still there. We are friends with a couple and I just found out that he told our friend he is not allowed to dance with me anymore and then he stopped talking to him for a month (this is a guy he talks to everyday!). That really upset me, I mean my god what is wrong with dancing with a friend ( and I only danced fast dances with him, no hand contact nothing!!)!Even if I was single and found this man attractive I would never go there b/c he is married and his wife is a friend! I think of this guy as a brother or a cousin. If I told my friend he wasn't allowed to dance with my H, my H would be so mad at me! When I point this out he just doesn't see it. I also asked him why in the hell he would be friends with someone that he doesn't trust, I just don't get that! He has made it very uncomfortable when we are around eachother now, I mean now I think I have to watch what I say and What I do which is totally ridiculous!!!!<BR> <BR>The icing on the cake for his jelousy was the other day we were watching temptation island, I have been watching it b/c I think its pretty funny and I just felt like watching some trashy tv!, he got jelous of me watching that! I could not believe it!! He said to me "you have single envy don't you". I just don't get it, I have totally focused all of myself to him, I have told him over and over and over that I don't have any desire to be with anybody else, that I love him and that he has to trust me and that it hurts when he accuses me of doing things I am not doing! I start thinking sometimes, I should go out and cheat(I wouldn't though) at least that way when he makes me feel guilty for something I haven't done I will have something to feel bad about. <BR>How do I get through to him? He'll sit there and say "ya I trust you" when I get upset with him, but then he still comes out with this insane jelous ideas. It just infuriates me! and it really hurts when he sits there and says things like that. <BR>It just makes me want to cry. He is just pushing me away with all of this. <BR>

I don't think that YOU can stop his jealousy. Only HE can choose to. I have a jealous husband, too. I can't tell you how unsatisfactory our first year of marriage was ... I think in the time we have been married (6 yrs now) I have tried EVERY approach with his jealousy. Supportive listening. Setting limits. Reassuring him of my love. Always being in touch, letting him know where I am and who I am with. Going into a screaming rage (getting aggressive). Leaving him. Or just plain ignoring his insecurity and letting him deal with it. Obviously some of these approaches worked and some failed.<P>I thought that with time, he would learn to trust me and his jealousy would lessen. He doesn't express it as often as he used to, but it still comes out at the oddest times, and seeps into other issues that have little to do with other men. <P>For example, right now I am venturing into another career field. As supportive as he pretends to be in word, it's his deeds that annoy the snot out of me. He doesn't like that it will change my schedule. He is not comfortable that I will be meeting new people. He probably is worried he can't "check up on me" as closely as he did at my old job. And if I let myself get annoyed over this, then I take that negative energy with me while going on an interview... I am not going to be at my best. <P>Some days I am very good at remembering that this is his problem, and HE has to decide that his jealousy is making HIM miserable. <BR>The only thing I can control is whether or not I allow him to make me miserable, too.<P>I guess that is the best approach I can recommend. Keep your head. Keep him informed. Reassure, but don't let his sucky attitude drag you down. It is his problem.

Fed Up,<P>Well, I am not the greatest in advice I may be able to help just a bit. I am very new at these forums sooo... here goes.<P>Your husband seems to go alittle overboard. Does he become physically abusive at all or is it emotional abuse? I have been a jealous H at times. You may want to check each others personalities out at It is I believe my insecurity! I never felt I was worthy enough of someone like my wife. When I would see her talk to someone else or hear of someone else I would get it into my mind that they were better. I had this shell all around me and it was my wall to protect me from ever getting hurt for that "just in case" time. I can say now that I still get that twang every now and then of not being good enough and my wife assures me as I am sure you have assured him that this is not the case. Movedmycheese is right that it will have to be his decision to stop acting like that. He may need to read up on a book on self esteem, possibly see a therapist, look inside what is making him feel like that and to tell you what makes him feel so jealous in a nonconfrontational manner. (No accusations, no anger, no voices raised and so on.) He needs to do this though. I had to realize the hard way. It never sank in that she loved me for me and noone else! It finally became such a LB that what you were feeling actually happened in the form of an affair. She is the type that it was a no way, no how ever would this happen and it did. I would give anything to go back and take those words, feelings, thoughts, comments, where were yous back for the pain I feel now. I truly think that if she sat me down and told me "listen buster, if you don't cut it out with jealousy thing, I will do this and then what!" my light bulb would have finally gone on. I would do that - he is hurting your feelings and your belief that he trusts you. I always trusted my W but never "showed" it! He needs to start showing it. Plain and simple. If his light bulb doesn't go on soon then something drastic may actually happen and he will regret it the rest of his life. Take it from someone who is there. I do not act jealous in any way shape or form. It is hard to build your self esteem to know that nothing will happen and needs to show that to you, to him and in his confidence! <P>Check out this personality site and take the quiz. See about yourself and your husband. This really helped open my eyes to what she needed and how I was. <A HREF="http://www.personalitytype.com/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.personalitytype.com/</A> <P>Warn him now. Hope this helps a little.

That's true. I had a male friend at work tell me that he did not learn to not be jealous, until his first wife left him over it.

Thank you so much for replying, I really needed to hear from somebody,especially from someone who has experienced jelousy and has been jelous.There doesn't seem to be alot of postings regarding this. movedmycheese, I have been getting that attitude lately that I can't let his insecurity get me down and make me feel bad, although at times its hard to do that. He always has a way of turning it out to make it my fault.<BR> MYohmy you describe my husband, he does get emotionally abusive at times and he has always thought he hasn't been good enough for me. Even when we were dating he would make comments about how he thought I would leave him for a "successful" person. I was going to college and worked for my fathers company at the time I met him. My parents have money and all of my family and the majority of my friends are in professional jobs, I think this made him feel insecure from the beginning. He has always thought he hasn't been able to measure up and it drives me insane! I don't think that way, I love him for who he is not what he does. It has been more of a battle the last few years b/c I make the higher wage and it really bothers him. <BR>myohmy, what could I say to him to make him realize that he is going to loose me with this jelousy of his? I have tried to approach him about it ends up in a huge fight. A part of me feels that the only way he will realize it is when its too late.<BR>I am a very outgoing person and all of this crap has made me worry about what I say and what I do which really bothers me. I can't be "me" and I don't think thats right. <BR>Thanks for the posts you guys I really do appreciate it!<BR>

Fed Up,<P>Well, it kinda breaks me up inside! I read your thoughts and hear my wifes! I really had low self esteem. I still have thoughts that I am not worthy of her. I have to shake it off right away. I have to remind myself that my wife loves me for me! Are you a Christian? If so I have some thoughts that may help also. My problem came from never hearing from my wife(not all my wife!) what she thought of me. Didn't tell me I was attractive, we have 4 children but I was the benefactor of the weight gain (she didn't gain a pound - even lost them), I always thought it may be my weight (hated my self for this - I always was in good shape - but now???)affection I had to ask for, compliments I had to ask for, I saw lots of guys "goggling" over my wife and would even hear what they would say or wanted to do with her - she always told them no (it still bugged the you no what out of me), What I would have loved to hear was every time I made a comment she would come back and tell me no that is not the way it is. It started to reinforce my believing that I wasn't worth it or she didn't feel strong towards our relationship. Now that we talk she has felt that I should have just understood that that was the way it is. Never to worry. Thats not me though. I like to hear and be reassured. Now this is absolutely no excuse to act the way I did. I did see myself do this when these types of things happened. I regret it to this day what I damaged and how I made her feel. <P>I am the type that fixes things right away if they are getting bad, my wife thought I knew it was getting bad, I didn't. I really think that if she would have sat me down and talked to me about what she was feeling and what her feelings were for me and how bad it was getting and what "could" happen - I would have straightened up in a second!!! Only now do I have to go backward and wish for things to have NEVER happened! If he has a chance to correct things - he better listen to you and to knock it off!!! I have so many would of, could of, should of feelings it's not even funny.<P>I would take him out on a date. Dinner and dancing or a movie. If you haven't seen What Woman Want - Pretty darn good and funny. Made me think alot. My wife had lots of hidden reasons in that one. If he wants to know why, tell him you need to talk to him. Don't tell him what it is about till you get there. Make him think. This may make him realize that this is serious and it is! (would me!) This will also help because you are out in public and it's pretty hard to argue/fight in public. During this time of talking tell him to not interuppt or ask anything. Let him know that after you are done he can ask. (you want his absolute undivided attention) During dinner explain to him how you feel about his jealousy. (how it makes you feel). Reassure him of your feelings for him. Let him know that you arn't going anywhere and how much you love him. Let him know you love him for him not anyone else. Let him know you don't compare him and he shouldn't do the same. He may need to see a therapist on self esteem. He needs to sit down and realize this himself. Sometimes a nudge by the spouse helps though. Now this just won't make things go away completely but let him know that it needs to get a whole lot better immediately!!! Maybe it will? Let him know that you are worried that his continued reactions to this may damage your love for him. Let him know how this hurts you. If he get upset over this talk, then let him know how serious this is and that you can't keep taking his insensitive thoughts and reactions. It damages your thoughts on his TRUST for you. Ask him if he wants to lose you? If he doesn't then tell him how this is damaging your relationship. I thought of a piece of paper of trust. Every time I made a comment or said something out of jealousy I ripped a piece of that paper and threw it away. It got to a point that the trust paper only had a corner left. Maybe you can explain it that way. I get right now all the time you never trusted me(I did) or never "acted" like it(I didn't). Now you have no idea the regret I feel!!! He has a chance to change!!<P>You may wan't to ask him to fill out the EN's questions. That may give you some insight on what may be missing for him. Also do the same for you so he knows what may be missing. Now mostly I agree on all the advice I have seen, and I may be wrong right now, but I wouldn't do the LB questions just yet. I would do that after a little while once the EN's thing gets looked at. If he doesn't want to then maybe the LB questions and let him know how serious this is. He may want to read His Needs, Her Needs. This could give him the insight he needs for you. <P>He has a chance to make things right before they get too far. Let him know to fix it now! Jealousy is a wasted emotion. Let me know what you think before you do.<P>I sure hope this helps! I can only say from my experience and how I felt and reacted and how absolutely stupid it was.

Thank you myohmy, you have alot of good advice here, it is nice to hear from somebody who has been there... I am just cringing and wating for the next blow up from him. I like the idea of taking him out to talk to him especially since he ends up yelling at me when I try to talk to him about it. I do tell him he is attractive, I smother him with affection and he still questions me. The new years incident where HE THINKS that a friend of ours made a comment saying "so, this is it, maybe this year we'll get together.." when what our friend was really saying was "so this is it, the millenium year eh..." He still believes that he was trying to get me into bed with him, when I try and explain to him that he is wrong and it was nothing like that said he gets sooo angry and tells me I am not telling the truth. I hope I can get through to him, I keep thinking "man, what would it be like to be in a relationship where I can be myself without worrying what I say and what I do and have a partner who totally trusts me" I find myself really craving that right now and it breaks my heart being in this situation. <BR>I think I will wait until the next accusation to take him out and talk to him (i'm sure that won't be long).The difficult thing with him is that when he gets jelous he will just give me the silent treatment and be cold to me for days and then i will finally drag it out of him and then he will blow up at me, call me horrible names, accuse me of horrible things. Its like he will get one jelous thought and will think about it over and over and steam about it and make it huge and will become very angry with me.I have told him in the past if there is something bothering him to tell me so it can be dealt with.<BR>Thank you again for the advice, it does help alot. <P>

Well,<P>He is a tough nut to crack. Does he know about you posting here? I have been reading the Harley books lately and also one that I think is great. It has made me look at things - especially me being a worry wart - at the light side. The book is called Don't Sweat the Small Stuff In Love. It's got some pretty good suggestions on lighting up life. Have you looked into any books on jealousy? Has he? Do you have children involved (He may be teaching something that has no business them learning) Have you asked him about possibly seeing a therapist? Maybe he is in some type of depression. Does he see that he has a problem? This one is very important - does he know what he could lose???????!!!!!!! I tell you what. One thing my wife (maybe when we were first married and dating) didn't do - ok only when asked - was to shower me with affection and compliments. I think what you are doing is great! <P>Dancing with friends has been ok with me in the past so I am trying to understand his hangup with this. We have had to sit down and talk about boundaries to help me feel more comfortable and for her to feel like I trust her and for her to not feel like I am jealous all the time. She understands when I do have a concern about situations but it is how I react and what I say that gets in the way and seen as me being jealous.<P>I can see that if he doesn't back off and given the right opportunity something bad may happen. I sure hope that it doesn't for both sakes. One of the biggest things to my wife was my trust. I didn't "show" her the right way that I trusted her. I would make snide remarks. I didn't yell or go to far with it but over time it took it's toll. In my case it's ironic that what my wife wanted and needed most she took away with one blow. It is taking time and effort to rebuild. Please be very careful. Like I said, I sure hope he realizes this very soon. I wouldn't wish this on anyone in the world. I just never paid attention enough. I think right now all you can do is to talk to him and let him know how you feel and how much it hurts you. Let him know that you are feeling more distant from him and that each comment or accusation he makes pushes you further. You may want to use the example of using a piece of paper and calling it trust. Then show him that every comment tears a piece away. Then what? Have to glue it back on? Kinda tough! I'm sorrys or I didn't mean it, starts to only go so far - I know!! <P>A spouse can't hold on to their spouse with an iron fist. Imagine it is sand. The tighter you hold it the more you lose it. The looser you hold it the more it stays.<P>Again I hope this helps. Have you gone to that personality site? What was yours and his?<P>

Thanks myohmy, you have given me alot of insight into this. We do have kids - two one 5 and one 11 which I really worry about b/c I know my 11 year old knows when something is wrong now. I find sometimes she second guesses herself b/c he makes her feel guilty about things that sometimes she hasn't done. Just yesterday he didn't believe her on something, she told me and I said to her well if you say you did I believe you.I give my trust to her and I do trust her It doesn't work to yell at a kid That is so important to know that there parents trust them, I mean it was over something so trivial but he made a big deal out of it. Maybe thats how my husband was treated, who knows? She feels as if she can't go to him to talk about things and I don't think thats right and it breaks my heart. He will question her actions and now she questions herself all the time which is not a healthy thing. I see these things and really wonder sometimes why I stay with him. I haven't read any books on jelousy,I did hear about the one you mentioned and heard it was good. I have told him before about posting on here and he thinks its just stupid. I haven't told him lately that I post on here.I think he does know he has a problem but will never admit it, he always has a way to turn it around to be my fault. He does tell me he knows what he has and doesn't want to loose it, he uses this line after a huge fight due to his jelousy and it sucks me back everytime. I did do the personality type and we are totally opposite. It makes me see why we have some conflicts we do, we deal with things totally opposite.<BR>I really like the anology of the paper and the sand it describes how I feel totally. Lately I can see how all of this could push me into the arms of another person, I want so bad for just to have someone love me for me, trust in me and not have to be questioned on it. To be able to be the outgoing person I am and to not worry about what I say and what I do. <BR>I am currently getting the silent treatment right now, I am not sure why but I am sure it will come out in a few days. I can't think of anything I have done wrong, or any reasons he should be jelous (although it can be something so small). Thats what he does, he totally turns off and is not emotionally there when he gets mad or jelous, he won't tell me what until I bug him so much that he blurts out and blows up. So I asked him last night, and this morning, I have been very affectionate towards him and he keeps saying nothings wrong. So this time I decided that i will just let him come to me, this silent treatment is the way he always makes me feel bad, its like a punishment of sort and I just don't understand it. I feel sometimes that its just a waste of my time to even try, it takes so much energy out of me. I'm just wating for the next blow up which really is sad b/c i know its going to happen.<BR>Where are you with your wife now, how are things now? <BR>Thanks myohmy for listening.

Fed Up,<P>I've been reading your other posts on your subject. This must be really tough on you. I truly can't imagine how you feel. What becomes scary is when it filters over to your children. They are sponges and will soak it all in. I think about that she is learning from him how it is ok to treat your spouse. What happens when she starts to date or look at the possibility of marriage? Does she look for in a guy what she grew up learning? You may want to ask your husband that. He seems to know that he is jealous and when he is. Ask him if he understands what your children are learning.<P>What is going on with the MIL? It sure sounds like he may need to see a therapist concerning maybe how he grew up. How about the money situation? Has he ever dealt with the bills? Could he? As far as EN's does he meet any of yours? How about affection, SF, conversation, attractiveness, recreational time and so on? Is something missing for him? I can see yours already going downhill. Keep hold of it as much as you can. <P>Have you thought about a weekend away from everyone and everything? What about a Marriage Encounter weekend? We went on one once and it at least helped with talking and communicating. It lasted only a short while. But....it opened doors. What was your personality type and his? Have you thought about calling and setting up an appointment with Harley? Now I haven't but have read and heard wonderful things about it. He seems to get people on the right track. Right now we are mostly doing to self help tricks. Does your husband use drugs? Drink? Physical abuse? I already know how the emotional abuse is taking it's toll.<P>My jealousy came out only now and then. It was in the form of snide remarks and accusations. I would make comments like why are you wearing that out, why were you late, what took so long, who was there, why did you this and that - absolutely STUPID!!! God how I wish I could go back. Have you thought about moving out? I know that Plan A should work for so long and it seems that you are meeting those needs. How long have you been doing them? Have you made veiled threats in leaving? How would he feel if that happened? How about your LB to him? Do you get upset, have angry outburts and so on?? I am almost inclined to say that let him wallow in his comments and jealousy - I don't know how far it would push him though. If you are outgoing and like to go out, be yourself, talk and have fun - do so. He has to realize that he married you for you. You are changing into what he wants. I heard that one from my wife. I didn't want her to change but I was coming across that way and didn't show it. It almost becomes being like a prisoner to a point. <P>When you talk to him does he get very angry immediately? Have you thought about writing him a letter detailing all your thoughts and feelings and what "could" happen if he doesn't seek help or straighten out??? When he does give you the silent treatment do you follow him around asking him whats wrong? Do you bow to his every wish during this time? It seems as though you might being doing too much. If he acts like that act your normal self. Don't acknowledge it. If he starts into belittling you walk away and don't fire back. Let him know that you love him too much to sit there and take what he does to you and that you would rather not participate in the arguement. I know that I have acted like the silent treatment before and after I think only an hour of my W not acknowledging it I stopped. Didn't do it again. That may help, I hope.<P>You still need to sit down with him and ask him how it would actually feel if you did something with someone else. Wait for his reply. Let him know that in no way shape or form that has happened and that it won't. This is I think conditional. If he truly thinks that you have done something then have him prove it. Have answers though. The one time I griped about how late she was, I quizzed her on where she was and behold she was out getting me an I love you card. I felt like crap!!! I never ever had to prove anything. He needs to know to stop with the jealousy or get some kind of help. I will say it again that I hope more than anything that nothing ever happens. My W always told me that it would never happen and look what "we" did to our relationship. He needs to stop it immediately for all the right reasons. <P>As far as my W and I. I am hopeful. She is in withdrawal and I am trying to do this Plan A. I have had to let go of some serious problems and concerns. They still linger and I try my hardest. I know it will work out. I have to really show my patience and show her that my changes were real and not show. I hear or heard quite a bit that I can always talk great - it's my action that got me to where I am now. No more! I want to show her. She has resentment, almost vengeful feelings about how I made her feel, anger, distant and so on. I am trying to break those walls down. Pretty hard. Today though I think both of our walls came down and then went back up. But....they at least came down for a quick moment while we worked on some things. I seem to come across wrong quite a bit. I am the type that inserts his foot. I also believe that I have been misunderstood. I am trying to meet her EN especially around the house and with the kids. I am really loving this. I learn something new everyday and then regret how I lost so much. Hopefully in hindsight I can look back and laugh. I haven't laughed in quite some time! I am the jokester so it's been tough. <P>If you are a Christian - trust God. Let go of your worries and let Him take them. You need His help! I am just now learning this! Remember that through Him all things are possible. Well, let me know if any of this helps. <P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by myohmy:<BR><B>Fed Up,<P>I've been reading your other posts on your subject. This must be really tough on you. I truly can't imagine how you feel. What becomes scary is when it filters over to your children. They are sponges and will soak it all in. I think about that she is learning from him how it is ok to treat your spouse. What happens when she starts to date or look at the possibility of marriage? Does she look for in a guy what she grew up learning? You may want to ask your husband that. He seems to know that he is jealous and when he is. Ask him if he understands what your children are learning.<P>What is going on with the MIL? It sure sounds like he may need to see a therapist concerning maybe how he grew up. How about the money situation? Has he ever dealt with the bills? Could he? As far as EN's does he meet any of yours? How about affection, SF, conversation, attractiveness, recreational time and so on? Is something missing for him? I can see yours already going downhill. Keep hold of it as much as you can. <P>Have you thought about a weekend away from everyone and everything? What about a Marriage Encounter weekend? We went on one once and it at least helped with talking and communicating. It lasted only a short while. But....it opened doors. What was your personality type and his? Have you thought about calling and setting up an appointment with Harley? Now I haven't but have read and heard wonderful things about it. He seems to get people on the right track. Right now we are mostly doing to self help tricks. Does your husband use drugs? Drink? Physical abuse? I already know how the emotional abuse is taking it's toll.<P>My jealousy came out only now and then. It was in the form of snide remarks and accusations. I would make comments like why are you wearing that out, why were you late, what took so long, who was there, why did you this and that - absolutely STUPID!!! God how I wish I could go back. Have you thought about moving out? I know that Plan A should work for so long and it seems that you are meeting those needs. How long have you been doing them? Have you made veiled threats in leaving? How would he feel if that happened? How about your LB to him? Do you get upset, have angry outburts and so on?? I am almost inclined to say that let him wallow in his comments and jealousy - I don't know how far it would push him though. If you are outgoing and like to go out, be yourself, talk and have fun - do so. He has to realize that he married you for you. You are changing into what he wants. I heard that one from my wife. I didn't want her to change but I was coming across that way and didn't show it. It almost becomes being like a prisoner to a point. <P>When you talk to him does he get very angry immediately? Have you thought about writing him a letter detailing all your thoughts and feelings and what "could" happen if he doesn't seek help or straighten out??? When he does give you the silent treatment do you follow him around asking him whats wrong? Do you bow to his every wish during this time? It seems as though you might being doing too much. If he acts like that act your normal self. Don't acknowledge it. If he starts into belittling you walk away and don't fire back. Let him know that you love him too much to sit there and take what he does to you and that you would rather not participate in the arguement. I know that I have acted like the silent treatment before and after I think only an hour of my W not acknowledging it I stopped. Didn't do it again. That may help, I hope.<P>You still need to sit down with him and ask him how it would actually feel if you did something with someone else. Wait for his reply. Let him know that in no way shape or form that has happened and that it won't. This is I think conditional. If he truly thinks that you have done something then have him prove it. Have answers though. The one time I griped about how late she was, I quizzed her on where she was and behold she was out getting me an I love you card. I felt like crap!!! I never ever had to prove anything. He needs to know to stop with the jealousy or get some kind of help. I will say it again that I hope more than anything that nothing ever happens. My W always told me that it would never happen and look what "we" did to our relationship. He needs to stop it immediately for all the right reasons. <P>As far as my W and I. I am hopeful. She is in withdrawal and I am trying to do this Plan A. I have had to let go of some serious problems and concerns. They still linger and I try my hardest. I know it will work out. I have to really show my patience and show her that my changes were real and not show. I hear or heard quite a bit that I can always talk great - it's my action that got me to where I am now. No more! I want to show her. She has resentment, almost vengeful feelings about how I made her feel, anger, distant and so on. I am trying to break those walls down. Pretty hard. Today though I think both of our walls came down and then went back up. But....they at least came down for a quick moment while we worked on some things. I seem to come across wrong quite a bit. I am the type that inserts his foot. I also believe that I have been misunderstood. I am trying to meet her EN especially around the house and with the kids. I am really loving this. I learn something new everyday and then regret how I lost so much. Hopefully in hindsight I can look back and laugh. I haven't laughed in quite some time! I am the jokester so it's been tough. <P>If you are a Christian or not - trust God. Let go of your worries and let Him take them. You need His help! I am just now learning this! Remember that through Him all things are possible. Well, let me know if any of this helps. <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Hi,<P> My husband was a little( I thought) jealous. He is only four years older than me but people sometimes thought I was his daughter. and that was in our 30's. Someone once came to the door looking for him, and when I answered He said Is your DAD home. Please I was 37 years old my H was 41.<BR> The teenage neighbor boy asked my 16year old son if I was his sister. He had a crush on me. I got plenty of attention from other men, and I always let him know it. I thought it was cute. I had more than one of those father daughter incidenses My H even told me about one himself, Last year my husband cheated on me. Did not feel loved. I wonder why??? <BR><P>------------------<BR>Deb

oh, <P> I always let him know because I felt neglected. He is a work A.But boy did that backfire <P>------------------<BR>Deb

Myohmy<BR>Thanks for responding again, in answer to some of the questions. My husband has never been physically abusive and I know if he ever did I would leave. Emotional abusive he has been at times. Things have improved immensley over the last year but we still have a long way to go. He does smoke pot and does drink, and I think he uses that as an escape when there is a problem all too often. He isn't an alcholic or anything but he does indulge on too many sometimes. <BR>As for other needs, I have a need for conversation and he definately doesn't fill that one, sf - when we don't go there often enough its like he shuts down and starts to get angry with me. We have been trying to spend more time with eachother and it has helped. I don't know there seems to be so many problems it just overwhelms me. This last week was a tough one, its like he gets so angry sometimes and stays that way for a week. What really gets me is when I try and say "is there something bothering you? is there something that I am doing or have done to make you angry with me?" He takes this as an attack. We had a huge fight last night and what really upsets me is if we have a fight I want to settle it and make up, he on the other hand holds on to the anger can't give me a hug and if he does its like he is steaming inside, and doesn't let go of it for like 1 or 2 days. It is very hard on me, I have never dealt with anybody like this before. I truly am starting to believe he DOES has a problem with depression, his mother does and I know its genetic. Its like he can just all of a sudden start getting so angry at every little thing, turn it around to be my fault when I call him on it and I am finding it very difficult to deal with. If I try to say something about it, he gets mad at me...so I just don't know where to go from here. The jelousy thing just tops everything off, he is very insecure with himself. You are right about walking away and not firing back, and lately thats what I have been doing..firing back at him. It is so hard not to sometimes b/c it is so frustrating. <BR>Anyways, please try to be patient with your wife, I know I went into withdrawl for a while and its hard to let those walls down as its scary to let let them down b/c you have to go through some hurt to do that. I hope everything works out for you.<BR>Thanks for posting again, its very nice to be able to talk to someone about it.

Fed Up,<P>Have you sat down with him and tried talking to him yet about the jealousy? I am glad to hear that he is not physically abusive. I know I was given that ultimatum in the very beginning. Now I was also brought up that you never ever hit or hurt a lady/girl. I never and will never do so. It is good that you know that you will leave that situation right away. Anyway those are different issues. I would hope that he can stop using the pot and drinking as an escape. Have you talked to him about this?<P>Have you discussed with him at all about seeing a marriage counselor for the two of you or a therapist for him? It sure seems like it would do a huge world of good for the both of you if he did! Keep doing a good job and walking away when he gets in the fighting mood. It really does diffuse the situation. Believe me I know! You always need two to argue! Let him know that when he wants to argue, scream and yell that you will no longer be a part of it and that you will talk to him when he calms down. It reflects quite a bit to you and your children. How about the other EN's? Yours and his? From Harleys site? What were your personality types? <P>Any ideas on how to help my wife with her withdrawal? I really don't know what else to do. I see her inside but she doesn't. I see that she wants to come out but those walls are keeping her in?? My hand is always out to help her back but my hand is getting tired and I feel like every now and then I feel like going into withdrawal! I won't let it happen but I don't know what to do to help her. <P>Well, let me know.

myohmy

Fed Up, <P>I didn't get any info on your reply????? It is blank. Yikes!!!!!<P>

Sorry myohmy...I screwed up there! <BR>Anyways, try and be patient and don't give up on trying with your wife. It took alot for her to go into withdrawl and its not an easy process to come out of it. She may be angry at you for a while and it may be very hard to show her feelings as this means she is open to the possibility of being hurt again. Have you taken her out on any dates lately? <BR>As for your questions for me, my H is a ISTP and I am a ENFP, totally opposite except for the last one, and I can see the difficulties that arise b/c of it. I have mentioned a counsellor but he won't go. I did have a talk with him last night and i seemed to get through to him (I hope). What I realized that he is very insecure and he takes alot of things I say the wrong way. <BR>I better get back to work here. Thanks for the reply! Keep trying with your wife, remember when she does come out of withdraw expect some conflicts before you get back to being close again. Try not to withdraw yourself...or it will be very hard to make this work. I hope everything improves. <BR>

Fed Up,<P>Was the talk about jealousy? I have only begun to jump into this personality thing but I was guessing that you were ENFP or pretty darn close from how I read your responses. I also am an ENFP. My wife is an ISFJ. I will try to send some more info later on about your husbands. After responding to another ENFP on these forums I am understanding more of how I get or have been in certain situations and how I "could" make them worse. That doesn't mean that the spouse doesn't but I at least understand what I have done or am doing. ENFP's love to get things fixed right away. We tend to overflow with emotions, affections, SF and other areas. It was compared to me that my wife being the turtle and I being the hare. The one always jumping ahead and running around without (sometimes) a direction. No kidding. I can be at times a nervous bundle of energy. I know that this exhausts my wife quite a bit. It is VERY hard to tone things down when you want things fixed and back to normal in 5 minutes! You must be very patient. I do insert my foot quite often! What I say or what comes out of my mouth when my wife repeats what she heard floors me! I know I have never said these things BUT that is what my wife took out of me talking. It is really important that I or ENFP's be very careful what they say or think before they say. I will also send some other info later from a personality book I got that describes what to expect from certain relationships and personalities. <P>As far me going into withdrawal I think I am just really angry! I want to be heard and at times be right! I just feel like I have never been given the chance or option to fix things or help. Now I just have to sit and take the consequences and that is what is really sitting with me right now. I draw my wife out into conflicts all the time. They seem at times to drive her deeper or further away. I just am getting tired thats all. I know I have to have patience. It's just that it is affecting my health, her health, our children, family, work and friends. I tend to see the consequences and want to "fix" right away. <P>We try going out on dates but she tells me that either I or the date is not fun. There are times that we don't argue and it seems like we have a ton of fun together. Then there are the times I sit back and wonder what the heck happened and why. It makes me very moody, irritable, cranky, longing for old times and so on. She reads into very well and asks what is wrong - soooo of course I open the mouth and tell her. Boom, the date is done! <P>I just don't know what signs to look for when she is coming out of withdrawal or what to do to help her other that meeing her EN's. I am still working very hard on the LBing. <P>Well, let me know - thanks!!

Ok, now that I have a little time. I am actually going to quote from their book. It is by Paul Tieger and Barbara Barron-Tieger. <P>"ISTP's are very private people who say little to being with and repeat themselves rarely. They feel that their partner is prying while you feel like you are being shut out. They are logical and analytical. They look to physical and sexual intimacy as an avenue for emotional sharing while you may want emotional closeness before sexual intimacy. They are comfortable being alone or with very few close friends doing things they enjoy. You on the other hand have a wider circle of friends and enjoy socializing. Accountability, promptness and follow through are qualitites both of you need to work on avoiding unnecessary conflicts.<P>Under how to reach him.<P>1. Resist the urge to coddle or smother your partner. Accept as fundamental his need to experience the adrenaline rush of life.<P>2. Try to wait some things out. Give your partner time to explain things in his own time.<P>3. Remember that to him actions speak louder than words. Do thoughtful things and resist the urge to point them out to your partner.<P>4. Watch for the ways your partner shows you affection and be appreciative.\<P>5. Listen completely and attentively when your partner speaks. Stop whatever else you're doing and look at your partner.<P>6. Be calm and succint. Try not to repeat yourself or get on about things."<P>I hope this helps see things differently. I know that when I figured out my wifes, so much made sense. I needed to learn quite a few different things that I really had no clue about. Well let me know if this is right.