Hi everyone. I was searching for marriage "help" forums today and this one looked the best, so I'm trying out my first post.<P>This week has been particularly stressful and I'm looking for some advice or opinions.<P>My husband of 15 years was laid off, along with 19 others, earlier this summer. He's never had a job where he'd been asked to travel, except for one 4-day experience last year which I just "hated", but it worked out ok.<P>My problem is that he was hired immediately after being laid off and began his new job a couple of weeks ago. It sounded ideal: Great salary and benefits, super vacation, lots of perks. He was told that he may be asked to travel away only at the beginning of projects to meet the clients, etc. We talked about this, assuming it would probably be a few days to a week that would be needed of travel time. We decided it would be "ok", and that the kids (two girls, age 12 and 8) and I would go with him if the timing was right and have a "mini vacation" on our own during the days.<P>A couple of days ago, his boss, who has been away on business since my husband started his job, called him and told him he'd be needing my husband to join him where he was - for the next 8 weeks, travelling home every 2nd weekend if he wanted to.<P>Well, I almost died when he told me that. We're not that type of family. We're not used to him travelling like that. I don't want it, my kids don't want it, and he says he doesn't want do to it, but I think he probably would do it if I were more supportive of the idea (which I will never be).<P>If he did decide to do this, would it be fair of him to just change our lives like that? I don't want to be the wife of a travelling husband who's not home for months at a time.<P>Am I being selfish in this type of thinking?<P>As it is today, he was planning on telling his new boss that he can't do it and that he wasn't told to expect this type of travel during his interviews ... and letting the chips fall where they may.<P>Any advice would be so much appreciated. Thank you.

Hi there - I feel for you. My husband will begin his residency soon, and before then he may have to be away for a month at a time to do externships. I just dread the thought of being away from him that long. I know we'll be okay, though I'll miss him. I think what helps me is knowing it will not happen all the time. It will probably be rare that my husband will ever have to be away for very long. Is this 8 week job just a one time thing? Like training or something? If so, I would say give him support even though you will miss him. If you think this will be a common occurance, then you two have some discussing to do. Maybe he can just do this job until he finds something else. Good luck to you! <p>[This message has been edited by 4given (edited August 29, 2001).]

Hi Catss,<BR>I agree with 4given. If this is just a one time deal, and if it has to do with your H learning the ropes on his new job, then be supportive of him and don't stand in his way. You need to sit down with your H and really discuss this thoroughly, Catss. Also, he needs to find out if travel is going to be a permanent part of this job before he goes any further in it. No matter what, the choice should be HIS and his alone, as hard and as awful as that may sound to you right now. Here are some questions that I think should be considered:<P>What are his feelings about this new job? Is this job one that he likes, or did he take it out of desperation and/or fear of being unemployed? Are his skills marketable and in demand in today's high-tech world? There are so many things to consider here, much more than his being away from his family for a while. <P>I made the huge mistake years ago of insisting my H change his job. Aside from the fact that it required many hours of overtime, the pay wasn't that great and there were almost no benefits (including NO health insurance)to go along with it. We were not married at the time, and I was thinking of our future together. One thing I did not think about was his sense of self-worth, however. Well, he did change jobs and found one with good benefits, but the pay was not that great. Since then, he has gone to school and gone on to find a much better job with a great salary, very good bene's and all that. It sounds ideal, right? Well, it's not. This job requires him being away from home all week long and coming home just on the weekends. It is very high-tech and requires even more schooling, which he attends every few months or so through his employer. It pays our bills and we are recapturing our financial security that my recent illness nearly destroyed.<P>On the down side, there was a tremendous inner battle going on inside of him, Catss. It is very hard for people to have to start all over again in the work force. There are so many emotions and feelings that come into play that you just can't imagine them until you are in that spot yourself. Especially for a man, whose identity is wrapped up in his occupation, it can be devastating! Their sense of self-worth and pride are affected and that is when they can become very vulnerable. I know. For the first time EVER in our lives together, my H fell prey to the temptation to stray and he had an EA last year. I know it's wrong for all the wrong reasons, but to this day, he blames ME for our predicament for making him leave his original job in the first place. Logic and common sense do not tell him that his original job was a no-win situation (and in fact, had he not changed jobs, I would not be alive today. My illness was very severe and required many long hospitalizations and many surgeries, something we could NEVER have afforded w/o insurance!!)It doesn't matter to him: he feels that HE was pushed into it, and everything negative that has happened to him since is somehow my fault, which is ridiculous, but that is how he feels.<P>You both need to talk this out but ask him the right questions, Catss. If he refuses this assignment, how would that impact his employment? Can he find another job right away, and can you exist with no income for what period of time (in case he doesn't find another job right away)? How would he feel about giving up THIS job because YOU would be unhappy with his going away? Does he really like this job and is it the kind of thing where he can advance career-wise and financially as well? How old is he? If he is beyond the age of 30, have you considered the glut of competition out there in the work force? The older the job applicant, sometimes the less chance there is for getting hired. How much experience does he have and what is he qualified--right now--to do? <P>Just please remember that for most men, their job/occupation is a defiition of them as persons, and not just something necessary to live. We ALL need income, that's for sure, but when a man is asked or demanded that he leave his employer and doesn't make this choice on his own (without anyone else's interferance), it could have serious consequences in the future. <P>Based solely on my own personal experience, my advice would be to (1) just answer his questions honestly as to how you would feel if he goes away and then (2) back off, and let him make his own decision for his own reasons. AND, whatever he decides, be supportive of him all the way. Do NOT pout or in any way show him you are against his decision, because the reality of it is that his job is supporting you and those kids and it is his life that you would be meddling with. <P>Hugs to you,<BR>Winny ("Older and wiser now")<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Winnytoo (edited August 30, 2001).]

I wanted to thank you both for your replies. I think they were exactly what I needed to hear. I don't have any close enough friends to site and discuss this type of thing with, so, believe it or not, this was the first place I opened up to. Boy, that sounds pathetic, huh.<P>Anyway, I appreciate your responses, and they really really helped. I think, after, hearing what you had to say, I can step back and think my feelings out a little more widely (as opposed to narrowmindedly, if you know what I'm trying to say), and try to look at it overall, rather than just for the moment.<P>Thanks, too, to anyone else who might reply ... I'll be looking.<P>~Catss

hi there...so your telling me he's gonna br gone for 8 wks and he's done with extensive traveling? And on top of that he'll be home every other weekend? No offence but coinsider yourself special. My husband travels on account of his job and I live this "traveling husband" lifestyle without a choice. My kids hate it and I hate it...I want to be a family again. But there are times where you just have to suck it up and let the man do what he has to do. My H leaves for months at a time...and doesn't come home until his job(s) are done...if I want to see him-then I have to drive to see him-wherever he might be..usually 400+ miles away. Please dont take offense to this letter, as I can oly offer the complete truth....and I hope shows ya that your not alone Just make sure you keep yourself busy and keep family and friends close to ya....they make a world of difference...that is if he decides to take the job Hope this helped<BR>-mel

One more thing...there is no such thing as a "type" of family. And no matter what-you can never get used to your S.O. traveling..it's hard.

I agree with Rusille regarding friends and family. You said you don't really have anyone around who you can open up to. This is SO important. Even if you don't have a travelling H, you need other friendships and your family around for support. You especially need other women around who can share and understand the special way we women can. No offense to men, but there are some things that only other women can truly understand and empathize with. I know it makes me feel so much better when I can talk to a girlfriend about my girly feelings. It helps keep things in perspective.

Hang in there, I've been where you are at. When me and my FH started in our relationship he was working in another state during the week for 16 months. I only got to see him on the weekends. Sometimes I would go there and spend the weekend where he was at just to see him and give him a break from driving so much. But he lived in the same state as me, just with his job he had to do support for it in another state. It actually made our relationship stronger in the beginning and then when I fell in love with him it got hard for me to let him go and not be able to see him during the week. Him going away sometimes helps a relationship because then you miss each other a lot and get very excited when you do see each other.<P>Just recently he was approached by his boss asking him to go again to another state this time. Right away he came back and said to him only if I'm able to drive home on the weekends to spend time with my fiancee and he also said he would have to talk it over with his fiancee before he made the final decision. He came home and told me this and at first I was against it since we are planning a wedding and all, but then again we need the extra money. Having him work during the week in a different state they reimburse him for food expenses and for miles on the car to drive there. I don't think it's really a bad idea since he will be home on the weekends, I told him I would support him with whatever his decision is. He looked at me so happy when I said that, I think him hearing I supported his decision made him feel great. Sometimes men need encouraging words from their wives. In short, he is going to be going, but it hasn't been comfirmed yet on the date when he will be going. I told him as long as it doesn't interfere with our wedding/honeymoon, I don't have a problem with it.<P>I think you should let him go and you can still talk to him on the phone at night and find other ways of communicating with him while he is gone. Men love it when wives support them in what they do carrer wise. May be you can go there for a weekend or a couple of days just to spend time with him. Just an idea and thought.<P>Plus, you might find that you like having some time to yourself to do things with your woman friends and spend more quality time doing the things you've liked but haven't had a chance to do in a long time.<P>Everyone's advice on here is pretty good, but I think you need to get out and meet some or more women friends who you can talk to about things and just spend time with. You never know the 8 weeks could go by fast.<P>I hope my advice helps... take care and keep me posted on how things go. God bless!