(I didn't see a forum for "kids" wasn't sure where to post)<BR>My new husband seems to have a problem with my children. <BR>He is very "nice" in front of me, but when I leave the room<BR>he starts chewing them out, the kids used to complain to me<BR>about it and I "wrote it off" as just discipline, but I've <BR>caught him at it several times lately. I don't like the <BR>fact that he waits for me to be "out of earshot" and then <BR>starts in on them. I have two children (10 and 15) and he picks one of <BR>them at a time, as soon as the one he's picking on starts to<BR>"kiss up", he says they are the perfect child and starts to <BR>pick on the other one, using the "good" one as an example. He<BR>also keeps telling them how perfect he was as a child and<BR>how he never would do whatever it is they are doing (such as<BR>eating in the frontroom, he himself is allowed to do that, as<BR>a matter of fact, he won't eat at the table with us, but he<BR>tells me I am wrong because I want to treat everyone in the<BR>family equally.) My question is, my mom says that verbal nastiness<BR>isn't as damaging as physical abuse and "at least" I have a<BR>good husband who doen't beat my kids. Is verbal as bad as<BR>physical? I think so. My dad constantly put me down and I<BR>have always been easily taken advantage of because of it, all <BR>they have to do is say "whatever" is my fault and I try to fix it.<BR>I don't want my kids done that way. What do you folks think?

Shaylene,<BR>I think that abuse is ABUSE,period. Sometimes, verbal abuse can be just as bad if not worse than physical because it doesn't leave outward scars or visible signs, and the damage done lies far beneath the surface. <P>My first H was a very sick man. I didn't realize this when I married him (we were barely adults at the time, I was 18 and he was 20). If I had, believe me, I never would have chosen him as my life's mate! <P>Early on, he was very verbally mean to me. As the years went by, the abuse got worse and more frequent. He became the same way to our children, and because of it, three of our four spent time in rehab hospitals (all had turned to drugs/alcohol). By the time I caught on to the fact that he was really not well mentally or emotionally, the damage was already done. I left him when our kids were in their mid to late teens and my only regret is that I didn't do it much sooner. When eventually his verbal abuse towards me turned to physical, it was time to leave, and so I did.<P>Although my kids are now adults and on much better paths, they still have their inner scars to this day. I see the rough times they went through and I could cry. Had I known what verbal abuse could do to a person, I would have ended that marriage much, much sooner.<P>By the way, we found out eventually that my first H suffers from bipolarism with schizophrenic tendencies. This is a very serious mental illness and if left undiagnosed and untreated, can be pure hell for everyone. To this very day, he refuses treatment and is a very lonely, bitter and unhappy man. That's too bad, I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but as long as someone is in denial and refuses treatment, there is little else that can be done.<P>Do not let that man verbally abuse your children any longer. They are YOUR responsibility and need your help and guidance in life. If you don't stand up for them and defend them, who will? Wishing his poor behavior away will not work, and turning a deaf ear to it is irresponsible on your part. Those kids do not deserve to be treated like this, no child does.<P>Good luck to you and I hope nothing I've said upsets you. I am just very passionate on this topic, having 'been there and done that.'<P>God bless....<BR>Winny<P><p>[This message has been edited by Winnytoo (edited September 24, 2001).]

Thank you so much. I don't see any outward signs of mental illness in my H, but then I was married to a crack addict for 3years before I realized what was going on with that one, so I guess I don't see things well. My current H has been married 4 times before me and he says the wives have left him because they either couldn't handle his job (he was away 3-4 months out of each year) or because they "babied" their children and wouldn't make them "grow up". He's now retired and I thought it would be better now that he's older and not working. But I was wrong. Thank you again.

HI, Shaylene,<BR>I'm sorry--I didn't mean to imply your H might be ill. It was just an example of one persepective, and I'm sure you realize that. {{{Shaylene}}}<P>It sounds as if your H had a very rough upbringing himself. That is, very stern, rigid parents. How sad! That in itself can really make becoming a good parent oneself very difficult, indeed. Would he consider attending some workshops or group encounter meetings on parenting? It's one thing to baby a child and another thing to make them feel awful about themselves. Without love, no child can grow up with a good feeling about themselves and being "tough" with them does not mean to be cruel or mean to them.<P>Hope you can find some help for your H in some way. I'll say a prayer for you, ok?<P>Hugs..<BR>Winny<P><p>[This message has been edited by Winnytoo (edited September 24, 2001).]

Oh no, I didn't think you meant that, it's just I can't see anything, and there very well might be, I've only kown him a little over a year. His dad was a drunk and his mom raised the kids up in one of the poorest parts of Arkansas. Could be part of the problem, but it's not fair to my kids. Wish he would go to councelling. Thanks for the prayers!!<BR>Hugs!

Please do something about this man. It is obvious that he is an idiot or he wouldn't have had to been married 4 times before and then been divorced for such lame reasons. I lived with an abusive step father. Let me tell you I still pay for those emotional scars to this day. He never put his hands on me, he didn't need to. But what hurt even more than him, was the fact that my own mother put him before me. she always took his side or if not she told us just to ignore him. How terrible! You have no idea how much I cannot stand my mother to this day for that. and I am 31 years old. She still calls me every fathers day to pass the phone to him. I always hang up. I am not about to pretend that she didn't do things wrong and until any woman realizes that he children from a prior marriage are more important than her own feelings of "lonliness" or whatever, the child will be greatly affected. I am so sick of this Me Me attitude in our society. Why not for once put the children first. I am not saying you need to spoil them. But let them know that they are number one. That no Man can take that away from your relationship. Unless..... they are not number one for you and it is more important that you have a relationship with a man so that you are not lonley, so that you can feel good about yourself. if it is more important than the things he is doing to your kids, than don't pretend. Let him keep hurting them, eventually, it will come back to you. Just ask my mom.

I know where you are coming from, my Dad was mean to me and my mom told me I had to be respectful of him because he was our provider. She now admits she was afraid to leave because she might not have been able to support us. Now he has altzheimers and he's not the same person, so I can't be hateful toward him because he doesn't know who I am most of the time, but I still resent what he did to me be making me timid and guilty about everything. <BR>God Bless.<BR>[QUOTE]Originally posted by jenni70:<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Shaylene (edited September 24, 2001).]