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#57345 10/14/01 09:40 AM
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 1
F
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F
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 1
A week ago, my husband told me that he did not love me, and is not sure that he ever has. We have been married for three years and have a beautiful two year old boy. I thought my life was perfect up until last week. We had been doing so well financially and I thought emotionally. He has me that the only reason he had not asked for a divorce before was because he was afraid of losing our little boy. He told me that he has been living a double life, one on the inside and one that everyone else percieves. Now, I keep thinking to myself that I sould have seen this comming, but in retrospect, he has been nothing but kind and loving to me during our marriage. Now he won't touch me. I am pretty sure that there is not another. He is a very busy man in the air national guard, and his job takes up most of his time, when he is not home with his family. I have sugested counseling for both of us, but he stoutly refuses. He said that there is a emptiness in his heart, and it is love that is missing. I seriously thought that we were in love. And now when I ask him to go to couseling, he said that he feels nothing for me, and is not sure if he wants to feel something. I am trying to be strong, but he is so cold. He expects me to act like everything is normal ( eating meals together, watching tv, tending to our boy, sleeping in the same bed), except the fact that he doesn't love me. I don't know whether to beg and plead for him try to save the marriage, or to let him figure it out himself. I love him so much, and I don't want to lose him, but I am afraid that he doesn't want help. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

#57346 10/14/01 12:26 PM
Joined: Jan 1999
Posts: 104
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Posts: 104
If someone suddenly spouts I am not in love with you, never have been maybe, or something to that effect, it is likely there is SOMETHING BIG going on.<P>This doesn't just pop up, he has been dealing with feelings for some time to say this.<P>Are you ABSOLUTELY sure there is no other? Have you calmly and respectfully asked him?<BR>"I do not want to give up on our marriage so quickly. I thought we were doing better than you have mentioned. You can tell me if there is someone else you are interested in, I won't fall apart at the seams."<BR>And be ABSOLUTELY sure that you won't if you get a 'yes'. Think about how this would make you feel, and first read through this site to determine what plans you would have to deal with this.<BR>Figure out what your best reaction could be and practice it in your head.<P>If this is not the case, then remember you know your husband quite well...despite what he may say about you do not know the 'real' me. There may be a need to ask him for time to talk and get a babysitter so you can have time to do just that. If you are interested in the real him and want to be real about your relationship, then treat it with the attention it deserves.<P>Get specific and get answers. Not in a demanding way of course. He will eventually tell you what he needs, wants if you are listening and responsive.<P>Good Luck<BR>Y

#57347 10/16/01 01:29 PM
Joined: May 2000
Posts: 1,364
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Yvonne said it. The same thing happened to me over 3 years ago. My H said he no longer felt "love" for me. It threw me for a loop! I said, well honey if this is true than I will do whatever it takes to make you love me again. I started reading books on how to make your marriage better, I went on a diet, I called a counselor. Then about two weeks later, my husband had to go to chicago to meet a friend. They were going to have a fun weekend together. In those days I never ever ever thought he would be cheating on me, I just really believed he didn't love me. But when he didn't get back until really late on Sunday I asked him (really nonconfrentational)...Are you in love with someone else? He said NO. I asked him again very quietly " Are you in love with someone else, just tell me, then you can be free." I think the "free" word really triggered him. He started crying and said that yes he was in love with someone else. I thought I was going to die! Just when I had told him I wouldn't be upset. A long long long story, won't go into too many details, but in the end I ended up spending the night at a phsyciatric hospital. Me, a young girl in her late twenties with two beautiful children, an upstanding member of the community, only needing to hear that her husband was with another woman and she went crazy! <P>Take my advice. although I didn't want to hear the advice of my friends or my priest who all said they thought it was another woman. This time, I listen. Especially to the members here, it is hard to see the truth when you love the person and respect them. It's hard to imagine that someone you do love and respect would do something so terrible to you.<P>However, there is hope. It will take a long time and a lot of work and sometimes I just hate to look back on all of this time that we have spent trying to make things right. Things are still bad at times. But if you want it to work than you really need to read through this board. And hopefully your husband will be willing to help you and work on the marriage also. <P>The biggest thing I have learned is that it takes two. I am still waiting for my partner to give it everything to make this marriage work. I am just about down to my last ditch effort.<P>Hugs to you and prayers also. I hope you will find the answer for yourself and for your child.<P>Jenni


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