My wife is currently in the process of "trying to decide" whether she wants to stay with me or leave, either to be alone or to be in another relationship. This other relationship is with a guy she met at work and has been having an emotional affair with for about 6 months now. She revealed this to me about 7 weeks ago now, and we've made very little progress in resolving this issue.<P>She has said things along the lines of "I love you, but might not be in love with you" and "I love you dearly but don't know if I want to spend the rest of my life with you." She notes that at times, she feels she just has to leave, and at other times, she just has to stay, but most of the time, she just doesn't know what to do. Her basis for this is my treatment of her over the last couple of years (lack of attention, too much work, etc.). Some of it is valid, indeed, and I've been willing to admit my shortcomings, and let her know that I'm here to make our marriage better than ever. For whatever I say or do, she's resisting all of it - I believe she would really prefer to hang onto both of us (she's virtually admitted this). It's slowly getting to the point where I just want her to make a decision - one way or the other, because it's taking a huge toll on us both. I've told her that I love her and that I'm committed to making things work. I've tried to be loving and compassionate throughout the past 7 weeks, setting aside my feelings of betrayal. I may have overdone it a bit - been too eager to please, since she claims that she's now feeling smothered, and she needs her space and time to think. She knows she's done wrong as well - she hasn't communicated her needs and has projected an image of general happiness, that's obviously been misleading. She does seem to want to be with me in many ways, seems to be enjoying time we spend together that doesn't require her to think about things too much, and knows staying is the "smart" thing to do (because of family, friends and many other reasons).<P>I should also note that she recently revealed a prior affair with a coworker that started before we were married (8 years ago) and continued for about a year, even after we were married. This was during a time in our relationship when she was clearly happy - she claims it had nothing to do with me and was all about being immature and selfish. I know she had a somewhat troubled childhood, has self-esteem issues, and we're both in counselling now (some alone, some together sessions). She hasn't even hinted at moving out, and seemed greatly troubled when revealing her past affair - was afraid that I'd be the one to leave.<P>Given her preference to simply deny the whole situation (pretend that everything's okay, with the exception that she's become quite emotionally distant, is no longer affectionate, and is willing to ignore my feelings at this point), what's my best approach, other than the counselling we've started? I find it difficult to talk about this without it becoming confrontational. How much time is reasonable for her to have - she's had 7 weeks now, and probably thought about it for months before that.
