I have been married for 5yrs, we have been in a relationship for 10 nearly 11 years. We have two beautiful children girl 2yrs and a boy of 4ys I love them both beyond description. I love my wife now more than I have ever done and cannot imagine loving anyone as deeply as I love her.<p>In October J told me she had no feelings for me. It felt as though my insides had been cut out with a blunt knife. I was devastated. Although we had not had a physical raltionship for 3yrs and I knew we had some problems, I thought we were improving.<p>We lived for 18months with Js parents and I know now that this stopped us communicating as husband and wife. Parents always around and so we didn't talk properly and got into a rut. Then we bought our our own place and I thought this would mean we could start working things out. But J keeps saying she does not love me as 'a wife should love a husband'.<p>She wouldn't talk top me about the probleme with our sex life and so eventually I said I wanted a divorce. It was only to get her attention but she latched onto it, then she wanted us to seperate, me living in an annexe to the house (one room).<p>She says I am a great father and a wondeful guy and she loves me as the childrens father.She syas we are good friends but that she can't 'handle' physical contact. Because of this she can't see us being together in ten years time and so we should start making lives for oursleves. <p>She feels that it is unfair for me to stay in a relationship where she cannot provide the love and affection I need. (I suspect that she also needs physical affection for herself as well) She tells me that even a kiss or a hug makes her feel uncomfortable.<p>I feel that if she would only let down her defences for a while and give us the chance to try it would make a difference. I don't mean physically I mean mentally. Now I know how she feels about physical contact I can respect that and giver her space. <p>On the good side she does not want us to split up, in fact she is happy for us to live together as friends and as parents - but 'to go our own ways' in that relationship. She says that she is happy for me to go and have sex with other women as it is only normal and natural for me to want to have a sexual relationship. I find it hard to imagine having sex with anyone apart from J. It would only make me wish that it was her. The propect of another man touching J makes my blood run cold and my stomach turnover, it is a horrible thought.<p>While my writng might seem lucid and rational I cannot describe the anguish that this situation has caused me. I have thought about ending everything, but my love for the children rules that out. It is just that sometimes I just want the pain to stop, just for a while.<p>J means everything to me. I have tried since October to provide for her ENs but she seems to have 'locked that door'. She tells me that I do a lot of things that she likes - cooking, helping her, looking after the childrens needs etc. But when I seem to be getting closer she backs off and won't move from saying 'I don't love you the way a wife should' and that nothing has changed.<p>I love to be with J anyway and for the moment that I forget we have this problem I really enjoy just being together. She used to love me so much, how can it go when ther seems to be no real reason.<p>
J says derogatory things about herself as she kept soem weight on after our last child. Also she had a major epyleptic seizure last year and it hit her confidence. lastly her father was diagnosed with cancer a few months ago and the outlook is very poor.<p>I think she suffers from low esteem and I have done everything I can to re-assure her about all her positve points incluidning her body and how intelligent she is. It is not just words I really do appreciate everything about her. She seems better in herself now but does not see any of these thing beinbg linked with our relationship.<p>Its as though as long as she does not find me attractive sexually we have no real future as husband and wife. The lack of a physivcal relationship started when I came home from a weekend away with sctratches on my back. She thought I had been unfaithful. I had not. I realise now that she never forgot and felt I had let her down. <p>Also having the babies got in the way of our physical relationship, some of this was down to me as I did not find her extra weight sexy and I did not do enough to let her know I still loved her to compensate for the lack of sex. I still cuddled her and tried to show my affection in other ways. I now know that some of my feelings were linked to her breastfeeding and that it was this which put me off sex more than anything. I have told her about this.<p>She says a little of what went wrong was related to my reaction to her putting weight on, she didn't want to feel rejection. I once said very cruelly that 'J has given up on her appearance'. I am ashamed of that, it was said after an argument but its no excuse. Now she just does not have those kind of feelings for me any more.<p>If there is anyone out there who can help me to give J some hope that love can return i will be eternally grateful. She read the first few pages of 'Fall in Love Stay in Love' and thinks that it is all posistive just to sell the book, 'who do I know that it worked for', she says. She also is not interested in what has worked for others because she just cannot believe that anything can change her feelings. <p>J says she has wresteld with her feelings for three years and so that means nothing can work. I have tried to say that maybe she did not know the way to do something about it. I certainly did not know how until I read Dr Hartleys books and the 'Five Languages of Love'.<p>I am thinking that if I stay in the house with her I have the best chance to rebuild trust, but what is the best way, I just do not know, how do I get J to let me provide for her ENs so things can improve. I am prepared to put up with no sex for the sake of my children and anyway I love being in Js company. But I cannot bear the pain of knowing that she does not love me the way I love her and the way she used to love me. I would do anything just for a second chance with her to make things right again.<p>If she could only have some hope then I think we can make our marriage work, without hope it seems she can't commit herself to us.<p>AlanR<p>
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Alan, I am sorry you are hurting. I understand. I think there is always hope, though you have to be realistic at the same time. I'm not sure about the time frame in all of this. Sounds to me like you've been doing a Plan A with J, showing her what a great spouse you can be especially in terms of helping as a parent and being an involved father. How about spending time alone with J? Do you go out together, just the two of you? Spend time alone together, without the kids? Maybe then you can show that you really want your marriage to work. I don't think the physical part of your relationship can be rushed. She has to be ready, and it sounds like her self-esteem has been hurt by the weight gain after pregnancies.<p>Do you give J the opportunity to spend time on herself and her weight control? Can she go out for walks, to the gym? Telling her she's beautiful when she doesn't feel that way isn't helpful to her. Asking her how you can help her feel better about herself and then helping her achieve that shows you really care about how she feels about herself. Watch the kids while she works out, and then sincerely compliment her on her progress. I'm sure she would appreciate that.<p>Don't give up hope. Make a plan for success with J, since you obviously love her very much.<p>Good luck.

Alan
It sounds like you are doing all you can, but it also sound slike many of the issues are your W's adn until she gets counseling to sort these out it will be hard to make any headway in the marriage. Trust, self-worth, lack of forgiveness and grief are some of the things you mentioned. It seems like she may have some past losses in her life that may be keeping her locked up inside, too.<p>Maybe you can get her to see a counselor alone. Tell her it is just for her so she will not feel threatened, but tell the counselor your concerns privately. He or she will have to keep this confidential in accoradance with liscensing laws, so you can do this without your W knowing. It sounds sneaky and, well, it is, but it may help both her and you, and the marriage.<p>[ February 28, 2002: Message edited by: rjd ]</p>

rjd, thank you, very inciteful<p>Other symptoms - remote, seems unable to express sadness or joy. Recently told me her fathers scan, relating to cancer of the liver indicated chemo had not worked - >said while smiling<. Used to be transparent with emotions, you could tell so easily when she was happy or sad.<p>Of note: She was the first officer at the scene of a stabbing about seven years ago and although she did everything possible a young boy died - 14yrs. Very traumatic anyway but she also had to tell the mother at the hospital, the mother was deaf so communication was very difficult, when she understood she went absolutely berserk.<p>Also shortly after we got together, as result of an affiar, her house was struck by lightning and a great deal of damage was caused. Sounds strange but I am sure she took it personally, Gods judgement almost. It had a negative effect.<p>I think J took this very badly but never had any counselling for it. She really does not like counselling, or thinking deeply about herself.<p>Last year she had a first epyleptic seizure (major one)and I think it hit her confidence very badly.<p>On a positive note - I bought flowers for her today and sneaked home to deliver them. Firstly she rang to say thank you - very unusual, normally would have almost been ignored. Secondly she has just called me and did not have any reason to. We just chatted, has not happend for about 5 months. I have been looking/hoping for any sign of any change in her mental attitude towards me - fingers crossed, we might have witnessed something significant. (Ever hopeful and probably wishful thinking)<p>AlanR.<p>By the way has anyone out there been succesful using Dr Hartleys methods?