Husband and I have a history of power struggle which over the 13 years of marriage intensified and became unbearable to me to the point that we now fight over any little thing.
FOr example: we had a nice weekend, and Sunday afternoon decided to take a family trip to the mall to get daughter some clothes. We stopped at Kids R Us first and H picked out several shirts which I helped her try and we picked out two that fit and a pair of pants. We were also going to the mall next where I wanted to get nicer quality shirts/pants and I had a coupon I though't I"d use. When we were checking out H. insisted we buy one shirt that I didn't approve of because it looked too boyish and was of below average quality. Daughter is very tomboyish, short haircut and all boy clothes, which is fine, but some clothes she likes I draw a line because they are just TOO boyish. I said no 3x about this shirt and as I was paying, I set it aside. H then came behind me and whispered insistently to get it, it was only $13 and it was nice and warm for the fall. I could've said no still, but having already said no 3x, I felt my arm was twisted and I didn't like it one bit.
So, what's happening here? I felt bulldozed to get something I clearly didn't want my D to wear. I felt that H didn't care about how strongly I felt about it despite my telling him 3x, and I was mad and resentful--major pattern in our marriage that I feel he pushes things on me, starting with a BIG one--my career choice 13 yrs ago when I first came to the country and felt I had no choice but to do as he insisted--a very unbalanced beginning of our relationship as I was completely dependent on him then in all respects (had no job, no family, no friends, little money! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> )Oh, not to go into the complicated and long history.
Now I'm really touch about little things. It's very important to me that we reach a mutual agreement on things, and yes I do compromise. I'm not always stubbornly insisting to get my way, but when I feel strongly about a thing, even small things, I let him know.
So he was pissed off at me for the way I reacted. He thought the shirt was no big deal. I just wanted to be validated and heard, and I told him I felt that he just didn't care about my reasons for not wanting the shirt and only cared about his and I didn't like being treated as unimportant. He got defensive as he hates being characterized as "a bad guy". Later he agreed to return the shirt if that would appease me. I said it's not about the darn shirt as much as it is about his listening to me and caring about what I have to say.
Then we were going to split up so he'd get some shirts for himself, and I thought D was going with him, but she wanted to show me one more thing before they left. After she did, I told her to go catch dad but I made the mistake of not making eye contact with him to make sure he got her at the other corner of the store. So I turned to look at something else around the corner, and a few mins. later D runs to me scared that she lost me and dad as he was gone when she went to him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I told this to H later when we found each other and he was again pissed at me that our lack of communication led to such a dangerous situation. He became quiet and sullen and when we got to the car said he wanted me to drive bec. he felt sick. I asked him why and he blurted out many angry confused things about how I was emotionally badgering him and I just asked himto stop talking to me bec. I could not drive safely if I had to listen to his attacks on me. I had to tell him 2-3 times to stop as he continued to tell me how my "story" that he bulldozes me is getting old and may have worked 10 yrs ago. I couldn't take it!

We made it home in silence. I just wanted to get away from him as I didn't feel safe (emotionally) near him. He told me that I was an emotional tyrant just like my father! How dare he label me like that and abuse my trust to tell him things about my family members. How can he expect that I be honest with him about my family history if he will use it like this against me to judge me?
I just needed space and simply was in no shape to talk to him or I'd be screaming at him.
Later I calmed down, he came to "talk" and within a minute he was shouting at me when I stated how I felt disregarded in the store. He called my expressing my feelings "emotionally bashing" him. I did not have an angry tone of voice but I did feel strongly about what happened in the store. So, I told him not to raise his voice at me and to get out. He asked why he couldn't, I said bec. I didn't allow him to, and he asked what he should do if he was upset, I said take a break and return when he is calm. He left the house.
This is SO typical of our fights.
In this case, I feel wronged and yes, I am digging my heels in, though I know it doesn't really give me what I want. I want to be heard and I want my opinions and wishes to matter. The way we shopped together did not follow the POJA and I pointed that out to H, but he gets defensive and tells me my complaint on his being controlling is invalid and is getting "old" and why do I have the right to say "no" to him (about the shirt).
And we just don't get anywhere. I feel so powerless after fights like these. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Hi BW. I've posted other places to you but I wanted to respond to this shopping incident here because I don't believe you used the concept of Policy of Joint Agreement properly. The poja states that when you both realize you don't agree on something, you stop and start negotiating a win-win solution. Neither one of you did this and that's when the power struggle started. Instead of both of you insisting on getting your way, one of you should have said, "ok we disagree, how are we going to resolve this?" You could say something like "Is there another shirt we can both agree on?" If he says no, then you say "If you insist on getting this particular shirt, then how about the money comes out of your lunch money instead of the clothing budget?" Etc, etc. This way both of your feelings are heard and there is no power struggle. It's a hard skill to learn, and it's also hard for me to even recognize I'm in a power struggle at the time, but I'm getting much better at it and so can you.

If you insisted she not wear the shirt at all, then you need to be careful of selfish demands. Then too if he insists, he also needs to be careful of selfish demands. But then, when we get upset any little thing sets us off. Sometimes we also need to be careful what we decide to do battle on. Save it for the really important things. If you had said yes to this, he would be more inclined to say yes to you about something else.

Hope you had a wonderful vacation.