I've been at this site an awful lot in the past couple of weeks, devouring as much as I can. My girlfriend, Shawna, has just recently (3 weeks and 4 days ago) broken up with me, and I just don't know what to do about it.

I truly believe that she is the one that I'm supposed to marry, and I believe that God has clearly shown me that. I am a student at Moody Bible Institute, and they couch their students in stoicism, so to say that God has shown me that is pretty significant. I love her incredibly, and I'd like to work things out with her, but...

She won't listen. Like many other people in the posts here, she bottled up her emotions until they were so far gone that she refuses to work on the relationship. For the most part, she's right in everything she says - I've had a poor relationship with God and her this year, and she took a priority of 10 or lower in my life. I understand that she doesn't feel loved, and that she's angry, but I cannot accept that and leave it there, because I do love her.

My question is: coming from a female perspective, do you think it'd be better to give her all the space she wants or just part of the space she wants? I'm just so afraid that things will get worse if I totally back off, and she'll think to herself, "I knew it. He doesn't love me." I realize this is a unique situation and you can't give a perfect answer, but I'd appreciate any advice you have. Please pray for us. Thanks.

Mark.

I say give her all the space she wants. However why dont you compose a letter outlining what you have realized, how you feel and what you plan to change in your life. Basically how are you going to be the man you need to be in order to let a relationship leading to marriage work. Let her know this break up is a wakeup call for you and that you view it as a gift from God. Now that you are apart you have time to understand her value and your shortcomings. Let her know that you love her but respect her wishes. Tell her that you will spend this time apart from her to better yourself. And when she is ready to see the progress you have made please let her know. Give her the power to make the choice to come back. Dont give ultimatums or time limits. Pestering, begging, pleading will not be productive.

Lay out your plan. Then give her the opition of re-entering your life on her own terms so that she can see for herself the changes you are making are real and not just good fiction.

prayers,

ayslyne

If she broke up with you because she didn't feel you made her a priority,giving her too much space will make her feel that she was right and you don't need her.She may feel that she did you a favor by letting you go do what you want. Don't smother her, but let her know that you know that you neglected her and you are ready to be with her on her terms when she is ready.

*laugh* This is exactly how I feel - there are good arguments on both sides of the fence. On the one side, I know she's being defensive because she feels trapped and needs room - but at the same time, I have thought extensively about how she would react given all the room she wants. I feel also that she would say in her head, "See! I knew it - he doesn't love me."

Saturday we talked and a lot of anger and frustration came out on her part. It seems that she has not forgiven me, which isn't a tremendous surprise. I think she's afraid that if she forgives me, she'll love me again and risk being hurt again. Anyway, I felt bad enough that I resolved to give her the room she was asking for and not talk to her.

Today (Tuesday), she said hello to me and smiled a FRIENDLY smile at school... If I had to describe it in one word, I'd say "shy." Then she asked me if I was driving to PCM (because she and another guy wanted a ride) and when I said I wasn't, she told me when and where they are meeting so that I can go with them.

I'm just so very confused. I apologize to the girls, but a lot of things seem so schizophrenic to me. I have so very much to learn about women. It'd be nice if someone could sit me down and say, "This is how you react to this situation." And then they'd list seven points, I'd write them down mentally, and everything would be perfect. The best advice I've received so far is from a book by Phil Downer that says, "Respond to emotion with emotion, respond to fact with fact." When she's emotional and wants to talk, she doesn't want an answer. When she asks me if I took the trash out, she does. *sigh* God help me.

Mystery is part of our allure...although if you find someone who can explain women to you I hope they have a counterpart who can explain men to me...your gender is not the easiest creature to figure out either.

best wishes and continuing prayers,

ayslyne

P.S. the quote you liked makes sense...not a complete epiphany but a start <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Sir

I have been throught the smae thing. I think that you will make a mistake if you assume she knows exactly how she feels and you are the only one searching. There is no special thing you can do that will automatically fix things- that you just need to figure out. It ain't like that.

What I can tell you is that you will have a better chance getting her back just walking away. I wish I'd done that when I got dumped. Instead, I was completely available- she would come see me like once a month if she was upset. What I did was enable her to get over me more easily as she had the opportunity to gradually go away and use me at her disposal. She also lost all respect for me as a push-over.

As far as God is concerned- I would be careful in assuming that God is going to make someone love you. Remember- she has been given free will just as you have.

Another thing to consider. You may not really love her but may just be upset that you have lost control of the situation- as I did. It was better for us to be apart partly because of how I treated her. I wouldn't be suprised if soon after you got her back that you would be asking yourself if you really do want her anymore.
Go out with someone else!! If God wants to be back together it will happen- right?

As far as 'the divide' as to who is harder to understand- I'd say that the problem arises when neither side is intrested in understanding the other side or improving relations but are more intrested in what 'goods' they can 'extract' from their counterparts. Men and Women are more content to feel they are right and the other is crazy than to admit they each have unhelpful tendencies. What we have is- "you are this" "Oh yeah? well you are that" "Yeah- well, you are this...etc" as seen in this list.
Ex
Men may have a tendency to be overly physical in relationship and view of ladies and they excuse it as biological preset.

Women may have the tendency to be inconsistant and purposefully secretive and excuse it as "the mystery of women."

In any case the focus is on others and not ourselves. Look for my book "the divide" I will be writing sometime this century...