I have a spouse who to me seems to be abusing the policy of joint agreement. For example, if your spouse came to you and said,

"Honey, I really need you to stop breathing in the future."
You say,
"But, hun, I don't think that is a very healthy thing to do."
They say,
"Well, unless we can enthusiastically agree on this, then the policy says we shouldn't do anything. So I expect you not to continue this hurtful behavior of breathing until we agree on it."
You say,
"But, if I don't continue it will really hurt me!"
They say,
"I don't care! Your not obeying the agreement! You need to listen to my needs!" and off they go crying and stomping.

Now, I know, I know this is a silly extreme example. But try replacing the "stop breathing" part of the conversation with "stop seeing your family", "stop talking to your friends", "stop your career (again)". How do you deal with this? There is no way I can do these things. I mean, their reasons for wanting me to do them, are insane. They stem from the spouse's own sin and lack of abilities. They are using the policy of joint agreement to get their way and force me to stop doing certain things.
This isn't how its supposed to work, is it? I can't tell them they are being controlling, becuase they just reference this website, and say that it is working how Dr. Harley says its supposed to work, and that I am just selfish for not wanting to work with them.
I am at a loss. Can anyone help me?

KK. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Your missing the crux of the POJA. When you apply the POJA and "do nothing" you should literally do nothing until you reach a mutual agreement in which you can be enthusiastic about.

Try it after the kids are in bed. Sit down at the table and start exploring your W's feelings about an issue - say, seeing your family. After she has expessed herself you repeat back your understanding of her feelings and validate them... if you are missing her point, she explains again until you get it. You then express your "feelings" (not to be confused with thoughts, judgements or needs => "My family needs me" is a thought, "I think you are being unreasonable" is a judgement, "I need to see my family" is a need => "I miss my family" is a feeling). After you both understand and can validate each others feelings, you are ready to make a decision that takes BOTH of your feelings into account. You both contribute to presenting options and ultimately select one that maximises the positive feelings while minimizing the negative ones.

NO ONE LEAVES THE TABLE UNTIL A DECISION IS MADE!

During the negotiation it is very important that there be NO LB's or attempts to emotionally intimidate the OP. If there are, the negotiation will end and the POJA process will fail. The process cannot overcome negative feelings caused by disrespectful communication. This is why most couples aren't able to apply the POJA without coaching or having practiced a Plan A for a while.

You will find that the first time you apply the POJA you are both going to hold out for a long time... each of you will take opposite sides of the argument with an attitude that you will not give in. But after a few hours with nothing to do but stare at each other and talk respectfully, your ego will wear thin and you will both get down to the real meat and feelings that were behind your individual stubborness. This is where the best decisions get made.

You might be surprised as to why your W doesn't want you to spend time with your family. Initially she might say it is because they don't like her or they are dysfunctional. But after a while she may reveal feelings of insecurity about your marriage and a fear that they will talk you into leaving her. You then know that you have to start changing your behaviors in other ways so that she can feel safe and get past this fear. The POJA becomes a plan on what you need to change to help her feel secure. You may discover that what you really want is to let your mother know you love her. Perhaps you can do this without attending family events that make your W uncomfortable... just drop in visits. Either way you will find a win-win plan - one that meets your real need and helps resolve her fears. Does that make sense?

BTW - being insecure about your marriage is only one possible reason for your W's opposition. I have heard many. The bottom line is that there is an emotional insecurity tied to her opposition and an emotional need tied to your desire. Both need to be understood to find a win-win plan. 99% of the time, the plan will be something you wouldn't have even thought of without applying the POJA process.

I recomend you drop into the Emotional Needs forum for furture Q's. That is where most MB'ers hang out.