My story goes as follows,
I dont know if my story is familiar to any of u but ive posted before.Ive been married less than a year and my H has in the past been very abusive only god knows how we have come to make it this far. In november i found out that he was having an affair and that the girl knew nothing of me.I recently had an accident and my husband was involved(if U know what i mean) he was on the run and the police were looking 4 him. They finally caught him and of course because i refused to cooperate he did short time and then was released. while on the run as well as while away i did everything 4 him. I gave him everything that i had and then some. I provided money, clothing, and anything else that he needed. Only 2 find out when he came home that he had still been seeing this other woman. He has told her all of our business, she and i have fought, and now he is obviously living with her.

Now my thing is what do i do? Leave? How? My feelings are so wrapped up in this man that i dont even know who i am anymore. all i do is sit around thinking and waiting around 4 him 2 come or call, and when im not thinking about him <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> im thinking about a way out permanately. Im just 2 the point where i cant take it anymore, and 2 be honest i cant even blame all my ups and downs on him. im so desperate that i would do anything just 2 have him near, and all he says is that im his wife and that he would never leave me 4 no female. but in the same breath he does not come home and he anly comes around when i have money <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

All this and i still wont change the locks, i still wont change the number, i just sit around hoping and praying that his key will eventually turn the lock. I go threw this every night, and everyday. Its 2 the point that i cant even take care of my kids. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> and i dont have anyone to help me. I dont wanna be so blunt, but i try, i try to tell my family and friends that i feel like this, like dying, like i dont wanna be here anymore. But they just brush me off as usual. and i cant take it no more.
Last night i took a bunch of pills, and everytime i sit on my bed all i do is look over at my window and ask myself is today the day that im going to jump off the fire escape? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Im so scared and i dont know what 2 do <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I really need help bad because im feeling like this might be it 4 me, i dont wanna be here anymore, i cant take the pain <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> ..........

If there is someone out there that can help me please HELP im in desperate need. I wanna get away, sitting in my house just depresses me more all i do is look around and see him <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> i have a number if anyone wants to call.If not thanx 4 listening anyway <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<small>[ January 27, 2005, 11:01 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Thankx..... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I know you are in a lot of pain right now, but the answer is to figure out how to get yourself in a healthier situation. You are down right now, but that is no reason believe you will always feel this way.

Please do as Hanora suggests...call a suicide hotline and get some help.

Kathi

KYTEDREAMZ,

I would like to encourage you to call 1-800-SUICIDE.

While the Marriage Builder's website cannot legally become involved in threats of this kind, please know that your pain is taken seriously.

Also, please take to heart the replies of hanora and Kathi.

Thankz 4 your support,
Hanora,Kam,and Raizel today 4 some reason i feel a little better, well at least i dont feel like dying anymore. I dont know what it is but, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> im still down just not as much. Just looking 4 some sense of direction, and support. But once again thank u, your kind words are greatly appreciated.......... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Hi!

I just wanted to give you some encouragement. There is hope even if you may not be able to really feel that hope right now. Get help from a professional and/or friend. Trust me that it can and eventually will get better.

I attempted suicide last year on my birthday, Feb. 17, 2002. My husband was being very verbally abusive and I thought I couldn't handle it anymore and in my illness thought suicide was the only way out. Through medicine, counseling, and my faith I feel much better now.

In the process of my recovery when I felt suicidal, I reminded myself that I was ill and that I couldn't trust my own feelings. When I got better I would be thankful that I didn't do anything permanent to solve a temporary situation.

Well, I won't rattle on any more. If you want to correspond privately I will be more than happy to do so. saferbetterproducts@yahoo.com

Take care and I will keep you in my prayers.

Heather

Heather-

I would HIGHLY recommend that you get yourself to the hospital! If there is no one to care for your kids, then call that hotline!

You are suffering from SEVERE clinical depression. You need MEDS. ASAP.

I have been in the darkness that you now reside. I promise you that if you hang on, and get the meds. things WILL get better.

You need to be there for you kids. If you take your life, then your kids will be left to the man that HURT you.

Please, take care of yourself and know that there ARE people out there that can help, that care, that are willing to offer you that hand that you so desperately seek.....

Kytedreamz,

As mentioned above several times, call a suicide counselor. You may feel better now, but there's a chance that whatever triggered those feelings before might present itself again.

Heal yourself so you can make rational decisions about your marriage, family, etc.

Sometimes stress, sleep deprivation and other factors make a very bad situation seem unbearable. I've been there, please hang on. Note my signature, there's a reason for it.

Keep us posted.

Hi, my name is Shellie and I want you to know first off that I will also pray for you. My situation is somewhat different from yours but sometimes I feel the same way. When you love someone with all your heart it is hard to be apart, you feel hopeless and desperate, you start to feel like no one cares, no one wants to hear about it anymore and that no one understands that all you can think about is the love of your life, therefore, that is all you talk about, trying to figure out what to do, how to do it and hope someone gives you a clue on how to cope. You start trying to keep it all inside and that makes it worse. I do understand, and if you ever need anyone to talk to, know that I am here for you, just e-mail me or IM me. Your children need you!! Please let me try to help you, we can lean on each other and someday we will be happy again.

Kily& Drive time,
thankx 4 your response

HEATHER & SHELLIE,
Thank you so much 4 taking the time to share your own personal experiences with me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> This means alot, to know there is someone out there who knows what im going through because there own past experiences. If possible i would like to chat with both of you when either of you gets a chance <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> my email Kytedreamztoo@yahoo.com or i can also be reached at aol instant mesg. Kytedreamz2. Once again thank u 4 taking the time 2 listen.... it really means alot because i dont have alot of supportive people in my corner right now... anywayz hope 2 hear from u soon....... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

There are many people out there who know how you feel, I have considered suicide several times over the years. Life can be better and it will be someday, but in the meantime you have to get some help. You will be amazed at the difference in perspective after being on medicine even after a week or so. (Doesn't work overnight and is not a magic pill.) One thing I've learned is that things seem 10 times worse when you are depressed than they really are. This prevents you from thinking rationally.

From what I've read (I'm new to all this forum stuff) you have some major issues with your husband. Unless you want to continue to live in turmoil, you are going to have to get him out of your life. He doesn't want to change apparently, and you can't do it for him. IF he wants to stay married, then he should decide to make a full committment to you and your family and that should include counselling. Frankly, it would be extremely hard to have any trust in him, and that is needed for a good relationship.

You (or anyone for that matter)deserve better than him and once you get on your feet, you will see things much better. He is like salt on an open wound, every time you deal with him you will go through this misery. He is a loser. He may have been Mr. Right at one point, but now he's trouble.

Like several others have said, call the hot-line. They are trained to help you. Suicide is not a solution, it is more problems for the ones you love the most, like your kids. Suicide runs in our family. The kids can never understand why, even other family members, who know what you are dealing with. don't understand. Also, something else to think about...my husband is an EMT and has gone on MANY suicide calls. Do you know that it stays on their minds and it frustrates them because they wish they could have done more.

Even if you have to be hospitalized, do it. Your doctor will help you, but you have to do what he says. You have to let him take control of your situation for you because you are incapable of caring for yourself (or your kids) right now. He will have your best interest in mind.

One last thought...once you start the medicine, stay on it, don't skip a dose. Well-butrin works well for me, but there are many which are very effective. Do this for your kids, if not for yourself. Call the hotline over and over each time you feel like doing something drastic. They want to help you.

I will check again soon to see how you are doing. Listen to what everyone has been saying, seek help immediately.

Sadly, I know exactly what you're going through and it's nothing short of obsession. The thing that probably helped me the most was saying things to myself like "I'm worth more then this" "I'm a good person" "my life is worth living"....and believe it or not, you will look back some day and say "what the hell was I thinking". I was in two relationships that ended up leaving me feeling like you're feeling. Both times I thought that I couldn't go on, or live without this other person! I needed to have control and he had taken all my control away. So, I had to take contol of myself!! You can do it, we humans are born fighters. You will love again, and you might just discover real love the next time around by being in a relationship that is completely fulfilling to YOU. You want to be adored, cherished, loved unconditionlly? Then it's time to start now. Tell yourself you're worth all of that and more! Don't settle for less. Ok? Once you become strong and self assured they usually come crawling back with their tail between their legs. Look forward to the day when you'll be able to tell this man "I'm better then you, and I deserve so much more then you have to offer".

Kytedreamz,
Just wondering how you are today. Have you been to a doctor yet? What is your situation like now? Are things better for you than they were last week? Let us all know how you are as soon as you can.
It is important that you keep in contact with some friends or your doctor frequently right now. Let all of us who are concerned about you know if you are ok.

Hey KytedDreamz,

I was checking up on you. I'm still kinda new to the MB thing and couldn't find where you were until today (even though i've been checking). I'm not really good on these computer things yet.

Have you seen a doctor? Have you talked with Stunned in San Diego? Have you checked on any assistance? From the responses you've gotten you should know that people DO CARE ABOUT YOU!

Please let us know how you are doing and hang in there . . we're pulling for you.

vmfwdc & irrek,
how are u? ive been o.k. 4 the most part anyway. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> but im still going through alot of emotional up and downs and being confused <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> my husband and i are seperated and it felt good at first <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> but now im feeling a little down <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> but i just really need someone to talk 2, and i dont really have to many friends, but anyway i just wanted 2 say thank you 4 everything.....hope to hear from u soon <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

please pray 4 me......... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

KiteDreamz,
I just finished reading your thread and the people that did respond. They all were kind and good to you.
Though, what you said that you and your husband are separated and it felt good at first.
His presense while with you and when separated you felt a pressure release from the ever growing reality of his undesirable attitude toward you.
For that is not what you wanted and needed from him. You needed his love and respect for you from him. He didn't give you that what you most needed from him, so as the separation happened you felt a sort of release from the tension of his bad behavior toward you.
Which is good! Yet as the days went by you became depressed again for the lack of your needs as a woman and a human being are not being met.
This to me in my HONEST OPINION, is normal feelings. As awful as it is to go through. You are a good person, and deserve the love and respect that you desire. It is not you that is lacking, for it shows that you are a wonderful person capable of giving love and caring for others.
It is him that is wrong and as reality does bare down on a person that is still in love with a memory of what was okay before is not any longer.
This means that he does not deserve YOU. YOU deserve better treatment and some people turn out to be lacking with the QUALITIES that are most important for a better life. It's obvious that he is shallow and will most likely do this again and again to another undeserving person. To him his character is lacking serious morals that make a relationship worth more then his sexual fulfillment. He is not capable of loving another in a true meaningful way. Character is very very important. Knowing the lack of a person's character is crucial. And can save you alot of grief. It takes a serious look at a person and time to under cover the weakness of these types.
That is why dating is important and going slow and not getting into too quick. Time with these types will reveal their true character. For they can't hide the truth of it for very long. After a time they start showing the RED FLAGS.
I know it is painful for he had to be at his best behavior in the beginning for it was all new. These types tire easily and boredom takes over them why, because they lack the knowledge of what to do to hold a relationship together, for them it is simply easier to go on to another.
I do beleive you will meet another and there are decent men out there. It takes alot of time to pick and be choosy of who is worth your time and energy. A true GENTLEMAN with class....
Since you are separated what you are feeling is the pain of loneliness, it can be replaced with your help, by remembering what in the world did you do before he ever stepped into your life.
I remember going through this many times. Each was just as painful. I remember, wallowing in this pain, what I realize now is that I could have cut the pain out by half, not allowing myself to wallow too long and too deep. IF I had told myself then that I would love myself by not giving the pain of grieving all my time, that each time I did allow some grieving I would also, start thinking of replacing it with as much time I gave to the grief, I would give the time to looking for pleasure and pleasant activities to replace the time I had given to him in taking care of someone that wouldn't give me the love in return that I wanted and deserved.
I know it will help to take this into consideration that after you allow your self to grieve and feel the pain of lost love, an hour is okay.....the next hour you will give yourself a present to yourself of self love, as in thinking what if I was Happy what would I do right now. What do I want my life to be like make a list and look at it every day after your allowed grieving is up.....one hour that is all, make a appt for counseling to aide a couple of times a week til you feel better stronger and get your confidence back. YOU are a woman no matter what you can get back on track the right path, now that you know the wrong path, you will recognize the pitfalls to avoid you will recognize in another person the similarities of the wrong person. So there is a start in the right direction.
Get into a church group for the kids, or Parents without Partners, they have alot of events to do with others so not to feel so alone, I did not do this, myself I had wanted to however, I was too deep into depression it wasted alot of time I could of saved myself and my girls alot of painful after affects. I didn't have a car either and I did take the kids to the library alot 2 to 3 time a week. For the walk and the learning expereince for them they enjoyed and books for me to get it back together....get into Parents without Partners.....I think it will at least give you real people to talk to and a sort of family to take the kids out for ice cream and movies etc. I heard they are wonderful, make sure the one you join is in a good neighborhood.
Also, they have date night ....... at least it's a night out....hope all this has helped you think of a more brighter idea of the light at the end of the tunnel thoughts. It is possible to be happy again and have friends to share in your life no matter where you are right now. Get positive, think positive, for this is your life and you can make it a hell of alot better then his way or the highway ......I beleive in YOU and KNow you can do this, get out of that hell hole he put you in, it's really not where you belong, and just the positive thoughts of that will bring up all sorts of things you would like to do and places to go......do it show him he can't hold you back anymore.......there is a life out there for YOU, and someone that is much much worth loving again.......now go girl......updates are good.......lawyers, and dating again as in very very slow........but enjoy enjoy enjoy for life is way tooooooo short ......this I know for fact.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ February 28, 2003, 12:01 AM: Message edited by: BarbT ]</small>

Kyte,

How are you doing?

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

H in PA