How do you get your husband to listen to what you are saying without arguing or getting angry or telling you what you feel or think? I am remarried to a wonderful man ( at times)most of the time. When I get frustrated and try to talk to him about my "feelings" he gets angry and then he starts telling me how I feel and think and how I like to argue and how I am hard headed. I do not disagree about being hard headed and I do argue if I know the fact is 100% true otherwise I say I am not sure but I think... I just feel like my feelings, thoughts, wants and needs are not important to him sometimes. Then we get into an arguement and time passes (a hour or a day - depends) then he is the nicest person in the world and wants to take me somewhere (from out to eat to out of town) or he buys me a gift ( something small (flowers) - to something big ( jewlery) when all I want is him to say he is sorry for the way he acted and not do it again. I have told him that before and he still does it.
Any ideas or help. He won't read books or he doesn't belive in counceling...help

I honestly don't have any answers for you but I have an opinion on the way that he TELLS you how you feel and gets angry when you try to explain your thoughts and how he acts like nothing ever happened and then he is nice in a few days. That sounds to me like he is a bit controlling. I just read a very good book on the subject because I am in the same boat as you. They tend not to see your true feelings because they think that they KNOW how you feel better than you would know how you feel. It happens from childhood....maybe a parent always defined his feelings therefore he thinks that others should know the other persons feelings. It could be that he feels a certain way about something so he thinks that you should feel exactly the same as him and that his feelings on the matter are the only feelings there should be and that his feelings or thoughts are right. The book I read is "Controlling People" by Patricia Evans. It is sooooooo frustrating because you are entitled to have your own thoughts, opinions and feelings and not have to constantly try to explain why you feel that way or defend why you feel that way, your feelings should just be accepted whether he agrees or not. I wish that I could tell you how to get around this but I myself am at a loss with this now. It always turns into an argument because he won't see that I am an individual with seperate feelings and thoughts. I try to explain something and he completely changes it around to what he thinks which normally is totally not what I said or meant. The niceness faze that comes after a few days is because he knows that he was wrong but he will never admit that because that would be telling you that he was wrong and then he would lose some of the control. Does this sound like he could have some control issues? There are many different types of control. When people hear "control" they think it's someone telling you what to do or when to do it but it can be about emotional control too, like someone telling you how you SHOULD feel or what you should think. It is hard to make someone see you as having your own thoughts and opinions and feelings and that your feelings or thoughts don't have to exactly match theirs. Everyone is different and if you have a feeling different than he does about something it doesn't make your feeling wrong..........just different! But how to make them understand that is beyond me.

Hi

Perhaps it is the tone of the delivery. Some people have a very hard time hearing the words, but rather just hear the tone. Or it could be that you are approaching him at an ackward time. It could be also that he perceives that he is to blame for your frustration and wants to avoid conflict. Avoiding the issues may be his approach to making them go away. Mama always said...if you ignore it long enough..it will go away.

Anyway, maybe you should have a look online about different ways to approach someone with issues that you would like to talk about.

Good Luck.

Thanks so much for your advice. I think I will get the "Controlling People" book. I think he has issues and so does my mother. But I have been married more than once, he is in fact my fourth husband. And I have discussed with him that the first and third were controlling and we have discussed it in great depth and he always said he wouldn't do that but he is starting to act just like they do. I wanted to go to my sister-in-laws house last night for a pampered chef party (all women) and he didn't tell me know but his attitude got ugly and distant like I was doing something terrible. but he went golfing yesterday and he has gone to las vegas with a friend of his without me and I encourage him to golf and do a few things without me but anytime I want to do something as small as the grocery store by my self - no kids - I get this bad feeling from him. his mood changes and he gets ugly and distant. When I try to talk to him we get no where but a fight. I just don't know how or what to do next. I think i may talk to our pastor at church and see if she can help me. I do know this - his father was and still is a very controlling man. I see some of the same behavior in them. My husband has resentment towards his dad but is now acting just like him. I have hit a BRICK WALL. If you think of anything or read anything or hear anything pleeeeease share with me and I will with you.
Hope you all have a great weekend.

helpmeee there is a board that I post at that is specifically for abuse and control issues. Many have a lot of good advice and you are welcome to come there and ask advice. The MB forum is helpful but it isn't really meant to deal with the issues that we have.

http://members3.boardhost.com/abuseissues/

hope this is what your looking for. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
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when we love to much

When violence comes home