KMO Hello

I've been so busy, My company is training volunteers in two different counties right now, and we have to train at night and on saturdays.

I'm so glad to hear things are going good-great for you. I really can't complain here. The only thing missing are the words "I love You."

If I wasn't so insecure, because I thought he loved me before, but when he made his announcement, he said he had felt that way for a long time; I had no clue. Well....no clue he didn't love me, knew something was wrong, I blamed it on work, deaths and illnesses, etc; but never that he didn't actually love me.

In fact, things between us SEEM better now than they have in a long time, long time; just no verbal affirmation. I think maybe he wants to make sure "my changes" (attitude/behavior) are for real and here to stay. I Love Busted all the time regarding a job he loves. I had been very selfish, only caring how I felt, etc. etc. I was so ashamed when I finally took a good look at myself. I couldn't have been ANY fun to be around, especially as tired and stressed as he had to be. But I do now take full responsibility for myself and won't go back; so ashamed I was there before.

But because of how he is, so honest and honorable, mostly black and white, no gray. I know that He won't tell me until he is absolutely sure about how he feels about everything. And like your H, I think he was having some depression and a touch of MLC; has him confused about what he wants. But he seems so happy NOW, can't believe I was making him so miserable. After reading so much in this forum, I have to say, its ONLY been about 3 months; we've come a long way in a short time, no matter how long is seems to me, (UGH!!)Talk to you later. Tenbo

Hi Tenbo: Haven't heard from you for a while, just thought I'd check in. Things are going ok - I say ok because I would like them to be better, but think it will take time. I still feel very insecure about everything. He still says he loves me when he goes to work in the morning, but still seems moody and quiet. He won't open up and tell me what's bothering him. Does not want to be intimate but does not mind a hug and kiss, we even cuddled in the hot tub last weekend. There is a problem with intimacy and I don't want to put any un-do pressure on him but I do miss that. Hope things are going well for you. Just wanted to let you know I think about ways for us to get through this all the time. Think the way we are handling this is right - give them space but let them know we still love them. Hope to hear from you soon.

k

Hi KMO,

Yes, I definetly believe we are doing the right thing. I also believe it is going to take a long time; for the life of me I can't figure out why so long. But, like everyone told me in the beginning, there will be ups and downs. But if we are able to keep the TAKER in check, we can get them back.

I looked up some stuff on depression the other day, my H fits it to a "t". They say men exhibit symptoms differently than what we normally look for. Their symptoms are more socially acceptable; working excessive long hours, anger, irritable, needs to be "top dog", attacks when feels hurt, and several others that fit him so well lately. Someone here told me that he may be suffering from a midlife crisis, and from what I can read about this and depression, he and his moods will be completely unpredictable. But eventually it WILL be over.

For now we just have to love them, no matter how hard they make it or how used you feel, and make them feel safe with us. We have to be the most comfortable, peaceful and fun place they can find. We have to be someone they want to be with, so that when their heads aren't filled with gunk, they want to be with us. Yes, we are doing the right thing. Hang Strong. Talk to you soon.
Tenbo

i do not wish to interrupt your discussion rudely but, I am in a similar situation. My wife of 5 years ( w/4yo son) has been giving me signs and dropping hints that she was unhappy for about 18 months. I am guilty of not meeting any of her most important emotional needs. Hind-Sight is 20/20 as they say and when she didn't come home one night and then another night, I got a big eyeopener! We have had a few blowouts and I have agreed to change my ways but, I only did what it took to appease her. This time it is different, I have hit rock bottom and my past-vision is crystal clear. I have shifted back into the State of Intimacy and she came home this past friday. We scheduled an appointment with a conselor monday and spent the weekend as a family. I probably pushed a little too hard because I wanted her to know that I was aware of alot of my improper actions and inactions but, I think that this was detrimental to my cause. My wife is in a total state of withdrawl and she told the conselor that she was 90 percent sure that she wanted a divorce. the conselor saw the 10 percent and advised that we not separate and workout our problems with our needs. He commented that most of the time Separation is the first step to divorce. After we left, I walked her to her car and she told me that she was leaving. I all but begged her to stay. I promised and swore that she would not regret giving me a second chance. She finally conceded and said that she would think about it. This weighed heavily on me because it was a selfish demand. I reconsidered and decided for the sake of our son that I would move out until she was ready. I have loved my wife for 13 years and been married for 5 years... Before our problems started, She was my best friend my only friend. I value her and our family more than anything else. I want desparately for her to crack her heart open a little so that my love can reach her but, I keep hearing that i need to leave her alone. I am fearful that she will forget me rather than let her love flow again.

opinions??

I didn't give you

Dear James,

I know how awful this is; complete withdrawal is tough, but hang in there. You can get her back if you are willing to feel like a doormat for a while. First-Do you know what her most important emotional needs are? Sounds like you've read everything here and know what you have to do. Something that helped me, was the "180" I read about in someone else's thread in the Emotional Needs Forum.

If you aren't familiar with it, go there and ask for help. (ask for instructions with the 180) It helped me take the pressure of my H and myself. We still aren't right but we are so much better.

Just no Love Busting. It will be a while before she will even accept Love Units, even with you doing everything right. So very important-No Love Busting. Also No needy, or pleading behavior, and please no jealous outbursts. These are my only opinions, hope it helps. The Concepts here do work, but you have to work them, stay positive and work on yourself. Pay special attention to your child, very important the child not suffer or worry because of what you two are going through. Depending on age, kids will come up with the darnest thing to think, and they will blame themselves and worry about it all. Be there. Being a good, loving, nurturing Father may also help melt W's heart. But watch your motives, because they will become transparent if not at first. So stay strong and good luck to you.
Tenbo

James:

Sorry haven't post to you, but Tenbo said it all. I agree - NO LB'S, NO PLEADING, NO BEGGING.
Be strong - hang in there - it takes time.

Tenbo:

Things are going pretty well - no LB - time - it feels like forever - only been 3 weeks.

Have a good weekend Both of you

James:

Someone post the 180 list under negotiating in Marriage forum. Please read - it really does work.

KMO

Just wanted to say Hi. Hope you have a great weekend. Don't know about here, my H has to work the entire time and rain is forcasted. Still smiling though.

P.S. Wrecked car today. (Okay, not hurt, only pride-feel pretty stupid) H VERY understanding; said all the right things, etc. Called several times to check on me. I'm so confused about how he treats me. He acts as though he relly cares or loves me. However, if I ask, he informs me that he does not love me, cares as a friend only.

But he hugs me, he kisses me, we make love. What does it mean? State of Conflict, instead of Withdrawal?

Although he rarely shows me affection, he wants and almosts expects affection from me. For instance, lay down and put his head in my lap for me to rub/caress his head. He waits lingers and waits for me to kiss/hug him bye when he leaves. He days BYE, and just stand there waiting. Why doesn't he come and kiss me when he's ready to leave? Am I too available? I'm so confused. I don't know if I'm thinking logically or if it's the TAKER.

I tend to overthink my situation all the time. I need an objective eye/ear that can tell me when I'm creating trouble for myself by thinking too much. Dazed and confused. Tenbo

Dear Tenbo,

Sorry about your car accident. Hope you are able to be kind to yourself, as you seem to be under stress.

There are some books on strategies to improve depressive conditions without pharmacueticals. You might try to incorporate some of the strategies into your routines with your husband. I believe one is to point out little positive things about the surrondings.

The family strategies book I am reading, Gerald Patterson, 1987, discusses the importance of not asking for too much from a family member, and being able to give family members space when they seem to be striking out at us.

You seem to give considerable weight to your husband's words on Love vs. Friendship. I have recently better understood the Bible's admonition against adultery by reading Song of Songs. Many pages separate the 10 commandments from Song of Songs, but I believe that the Bible teaches that a wife can make it easier, or more difficult, for her husband to be true. It is more Godly for the wife to find what assists her husband to best withstand the temptations of straying.

Earlier you said you regretted some of the things you had said to your husband. I suggest you try to find peace, in achieving the feeling that you have tried to do extra, to acheive the fidelity you desire from H, to make up for any such words.

God bless,

Quipper
Married 28 years and still struggling

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by tenbo:
<strong>I feel I'm going crazy. two months ago my husband of 9 years and I had a late night discussion (not even a fight) because I was upset that I never get to see him. He's a county cop, works almost 24-7. He sleeps, gets up and goes to work. comes home between 2:30 and 5:30am. I work days. I wanted him to take some time off so we could do something. he said he couldn't because they are short handed (its been this way for a year now) I asked that he work something out. He felt I was being unreasonable, used a tone I took offense to and said some smarta**ed things. after a while I decided that I wasn't important to him and suggested that he go stay somewhere else for a while. I was hurting regretted it almost immediately, but didn't know what else to do. He relunctly agreed and made arrangements. that evening when I got home i called him at work and told him that I was sorry, just too frustrated and that I didn't want him to leave, that I loved him and would be happy if I got to see him sometime. He agreed to come home, but when he did he informed me that he didn't love me anymore. that he only felt for me like a friend and he didn't think he wanted to be married anymore. All very shocking to me because we have always been so happy, so in love, so affectionate, even earlier before the discussion. Now for the last two months, after reading everything on this site and trying to be patient. he still won't even kiss me. we still sleep in the same bed. we've made love (had sex) a few times (kissing sometimes) he says he doesn't feel anything for me. He has been coming home for dinner most nights, work permitting. I've printed things off for him because he thinks it's hopeless and that he can never love me again. its so obvious that he tries to ignore me. He acts like he will get cooties if he touches me. But we have had sex 1 -2 times each week. he says "bye" as he goes back to work after eating, hesitates like he wants to kiss me or me kiss him, but he refuses to make a move. I go and kiss him - he doesn't kiss back. I've been trying so hard to stay positive, but its getting harder. two nights ago I get up at 3:30am to talk to him. he tells me again that he doesn't feel anything for me, he wants to leave, but feels traped because of our finances-neither one of us can afford to be on our own right now. He says he resents me trying to get him to look at this site and that I am not going to force him to try and make this work. he afraid to try because he said he's been trying for 4 years and he still don't love me. I open up about my fears that caused me to ask him to leave and asked for forgiveness. He states again that he doesn't care for me except as a friend. then he initates sex before I leave for work. now today he gets the evening off and he leaves to go to a rodeo in another town. He's had a couple of other days off here and there the last couple of months and he spends them in another town. I want him to have time off and to de-stress because of his job he needs it bad. but I can't stand it that he won't spend 1 hour with me or our son. He won't even talk long enough to make a joint agreement. He won't even look at the emotional needs assessment. Nothing. he lets me meet some of his needs but he refuses to meet any of mine or even conside my feelings about anything. Am I wasting my time. Or is more time need? a different strategy? I'm lost. Please help me. I don't know what to trust. we've always got along great. No real problems except when he works, he pours all of himself into it. I can wait this out if he will ever come around, we're worth it. but I can't tell if he ever will and I don't think we can get it back if he never becomes willing to help me work at it. Please help, tenbo</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

[QUOTE]Originally posted by tenbo:
[QB]I feel I'm going crazy. two months ago my husband

Dear feeling helpless: I HAVE BEEN THERE. Wished someone would have told me the following: Leave him alone. Just focus on changing yourself--even if you think you are perfect. As St. Augustine said, "Our soul will NOT rest until it rests in Him." Your husband will want to be around you when you are happy--really happy. You will be a magnet. You MUST NOT force him to be the source of your happiness. Women make that mistake ALL OF THE TIME.
If you are Catholic, even if you are not, go spend time in front of the Blessed Sacrament--all by yourself. Let that indescribable peace fill your soul and heart to overflowing. Learn to LISTEN for HIS voice. YOU WILL FIND INCOMPREHENSIBLE JOY and everyone--including your husband will want to be around you.

THis is advice from a once miserable soul who had a husband who hated her and she hated him (advised by counselors to get a divorce--"too much animosity between us) and NOW--(it did not happen overnight)--am in love with that same husband. He grabs my hand every night and every morning. I still marvel at how our Creator transformed our marriage--but I had to be a willing partner with God.

Dear Q & Sayno

Thanks for your thoughts. Lots of wisdom in your words. I've been trying exactly what you both said. I have been concentrating on me, (I had a real eye opener about myself) and on taking care of my H. He works very long hours at a high stress job; he needs my support not complaints. I learned my lesson and it seems to be taking forever for him to believe my changes are for real. However, for all my whining in my earlier post, things are good with us. He is no longer sure he wants to leave-not sure he wants to stay, but at least not sure he wants to leave. Great improvement from early summer. I know we'll make it.
But please feel free to keep tabs on me, and when I start sounding out-of-sorts, (and I will from time to time - needing to vent) line me out and reel me back in. You all are the only people I can talk to. Thanks for being there (here).
tenbo

Hi Tenbo:

Hope you are feeling better. We had a very good weekend except for the fact that it rained all weekend. Things keep improving and in fact we have made some plans to celebrate our 20th ann. We usually just go out to dinner- normally take the kids - but thought it would be nice just the two of us. I still feel very tentative about everything - probably will for some time - but H assures me he loves me and does not want to leave. Sounds like yours is still undecided - hang in there - maybe he doesn't want to admit he was wrong about leaving. You never know what is going through their minds. Anyway, vent as often as needed - it does the soul good just to get it out. Hang in there - Stay strong!!!

K57mo

KMO Hi,

I am feeling better, thanks. It appears I will have a spaz-attack every couple of weeks; guess I'm too impatient. I DO believe he wants to stay more than he wants to go, if he still wants to go. Like you, if I weren't so tentative, I'd be blissfully happy; everything really is good. Only no verbal confirmation from him. I keep telling myself that actions speak louder than words anyway.
WOW, look at you. The 20th. Congrats. Sounds like you two are on the right track. Trust it. And despite all my whinning, I really do trust it.
Gotta go, good hearing from you and that things are going so well. See you in a couple of days. Stay Strong!!! Tenbo

Tenbo:

Thought I'd post once more before the weekend. Things seem pretty normal at home - made hotel reservations for next saturday for our anniversary celebration - gave H details and he seemed pleased. I agree with you that actions speak louder than words and after reading different posts on this web site think that we don't have it too bad or that things could be worse. Anyway, have a good weekend. Talk to you soon. Hang in there girl!!