My husband and I have been married 2 years. We seperated for about nine months and recently got back together. I was so unhappy before, and I see the same problems coming back, after only 3 months of being back together.

There were a series of conflicts that caused the breakup.

My husband spends a lot of time on the internet looking at porn, he pays for this smut! It makes me feel like I am not good enough, like I am nothing...he obviously wants somebody else...I don't look anything like the girls he's looking at online. On several occasions, I told him how I feel about his online activities, and he defends it by saying they are just pictures. When we got back together, I told him this was a big deal to me and i wanted him to promise not to engage in those activities. He still does it, and lies to me. He erases the history on the computer so I don't know what he's doing (there are other places to look for that stuff).

My mother in law is a MAJOR source of conflict. SHe is always into our business. She makes innapropriate comments about everything from how she hates how i decorate, i don't clean enough(does her son bother to help clean? not often), She had the gall to ask me the other day if I planned to stay this time. I asked my husband to talk to her. She needs to know when she needs to keep her comments to herself. Of course he wouldn't call her and straighten things out, he actually stood up for her on some of the issues i had. What do I do about that?

I am back to feeling that I am nothing. I dread dealing with my mother in law. She watches our baby when I work, so I can't really avoid her.

I guess these are my two major issues, there are a few minor ones, but I would like to get some advise on these...

Thank you!

Dear Missy,

You are unhappy because your husband spends too much time on the computer with porn. You are also unhappy because your MIL is not polite to you, and your husband is afraid to speak up. You have a young child that MIL babysits while you work. Your husband does not help much with cleaning.

The first step is to work the positive attaboys, or WTG, Way To Go.

WTG must be contingent, based upon an improvement.

What is improvement? If you husband picks up a dish. Taht is a snapshot. Create snapshots of what your husband does, that you want more of.

Getting up from the computer. Passing by the computer room door.

WTG What does it look like? Married women could take a lesson from Female dental assistants. When there is a male patient, the female dental assistant will sometimes allow her mammaries to touch the patient. This produces a calming effect, and a reward. Walk up to your husband and hold his arm close to you, and whisper thanks. Give the clear implication of more to come. The sooner after a good move matching your snapshot visions, the more effective.

Do you have a TV in the bedroom? With a VCR? Errotic Images help husbands. Find some images as close to erotic that you are comfortable with. Find music that works for Hubby. Usually if a husband has had a highly visual climax recently, he is not intersted in computer shows.

You should be able to handle MIL. Get some books. The Gental Art of Verbal Self Defense. Many others. Post what works, what flops. Educate us.

Best wishes,

Quipper
Married 28 years and still struggling

I just read an article on verbal self defense. Here is the link:

Verbal self defense

Another good link:

peacetalk101

The first link may be of help dealing with your MIL. The second link may have some information that could be helpful in dealing with your husband.

I agree with what Quipper said about rewarding good behavior from your husband. Rewarding someone when they do something good or when they do something that pleases you it makes them see that what they did has good consequences from you. If your H is on the computer and you say angrily "get off that damn computer now, I'm tired of you looking at that filthy porn." that is going to put him on the defensive and he is not likely to do what you say. A better way would be to say "Honey I would like to spend some time with you would you please turn that off?" You are more likely to get what you want that way. He won't feel threatened because you are making a request where as the first statement is a demand and people don't respond well to demands, a demand actually makes someone want to do the complete opposite of what you wanted them to do. When he gets off the computer after you ask him nicely and respectfully you could give him a hug and say thanks dear I appreciated that.

Also I got to thinking about the MIL and her rude and intrusive comments. She is making those comments because she knows that it'll push your buttons. Don't let her comments get to you. Some people are just rude. When she asked if you were planning on staying this time, my first thought would probably have been that is none of her damn business and I would have gotten angry. But that isn't the way to handle it. Try some of the techniques of verbal self defense. Such as "I love and care for him very much." It doesn't so much answer her question but it makes a statement that she can't try to argue or cut you down about. The decorating statements she makes you could say "Well I can understand that because people have different styles and tastes." you are saying I hear that you don't like it but I do without exactly saying that, it's a closed statement. Where as if you would say "I like the decorating, what's wrong with it?" that is open ended and leaves the door open for her to criticize you.

It's all in how you respond to someone's statements. Listen to what they have to say and don't self talk as they are talking because then you lose half of what they are saying. Listen completely then come back with a non-confrontational statement that they can't attack. And when she criticizes you just know that she does that because there is something missing within herself and she is just trying to bring you down to make herself feel better. Never attack back because it just doesn't work, it only makes it more heated.

Read those links I posted before, they have a lot of good information and to me the techniques make a lot of sense.

Missy,
I can feel your pain. Right now my wife left to go live with her parents who are constantly badmouthing me. Even though she used to stand up for me earlier in the relationship, their consistency I think has won over and she too resents me.
I think the first thing that I did after she moved out was to try to realize what was going on. It took a lot of time to read through a lot of material, but I feel it is working for me. I suggest the Mars and Venus books (particularly Mars and Venus, Together Forever), Relationship Rescue (by Dr. Phil McGraw) and the numerous articles on this website to help ease your pain.
I think the biggest thing I've gotten from all this research is that you can't change a person. I know that sounds kind of cliche but I feel that it is true. After doing all of this reading, I realized that I've been trying to change my wife for a while and it obviously doesn't work. If it does work, it only works for a while and things go back to "normal" and we're unhappy again.
That said, what you can do is change your relationship. I've realized that people are individuals but when brought together as a union, you are now a team. They still have individual traits and personalities, but now as a union, a third personality and trait needs to be made (whether you realize it or not). Sometimes we don't realize it and we make a bad personality and bad relationship traits. I now realized that I've been very complacent in my marrige and didn't actively do anything to improve it on a daily basis. I felt I always had to be right and "ruled the marriage on logic", thinking everyone is as logical as me and my wife doesn't need emotional support, she needs me to solve her problems.
For about the last 6 months before Megan left, I got increasingly interested in Porn. Especially before we had sex (it "got me going"). In hindsight, I realize that when we were about to have sex it was very routine and felt like a task..like cleaning the dishes (no pun intended). I usually had to initiate and said something like "do you want to have sex". She would say OK, get the contraceptive taken care of, then come back to the bedroom already naked and we would just do it. It satisfied our need for sex, but not our emotional need for sex. I got in the routine of watching the porn (it's amazing what's on cable at night) while she was in the bathroom before we had sex so that when she showed up, I would be "ready". I didn't do this consciously...it just happened. I think if I had asked her in a different way, or just maybe started "getting her in the mood" naturally, I would not need porn to satisfy this need. But, on the other hand, if she had made it clear (through actions) that she was there to "get me going", things might have been different. It will take a long time to turn that boat around, but I think that if you start "getting him going" like you did when you were dating...eventually (again, it will be a long and maybe hard process) he won't need the porn...he'll need you.
About the parents...again, I feel your pain. Megan and I have had most of are arguements like that in some way, shape or form, and were a result of something her parents said or did. After reading numerous articles on this I realized that I have to let her have her relationship with her parents, no matter how messed up I feel it is. If I try to break that bond, they will win every time. She didn't choose them, they were issued and you can never get rid of them....in some sense, she chose me and can rid herself of me if that's what she truely desires. Although painful and very difficult, I need to "earn" my way into her life again. I need to let her know that I accept her parents as her parents, whether I like them or not, and if I have an issue with something they have said or done, I just need to bring it up and not argue about it(again, not an easy task...but what's the alternative). Maybe start out by saying, "I know your mother probably means well and I really don't want you to do anything about it other than just listen to what I have to say" and state your problem. If you always argue about it, he will probably feel like you are nagging and unconsiously defend his mother because he feels she will listen to what he has to say (again, I'm in the middle of this dilemma right now).
I think the bottom line though, is to think of this concept of the "love bank" that Dr.Harley uses on his website. Every time you have an arguement about your parents or porn, you probably make huge love bank withdrawls. From a guy's perspective I can tell you that the more you make it a problem, to worse it will get. I'm not saying you need to ignore it, and I'm certainly saying it's not right what she is doing but to quote the great Dr. Phil, "What's more important to your relationship, being happy or being right". Another great quote came from the Mars and Venus book(this is not verbatum..just what I got out of it): "Winning a fight by proving your side, presenting the evidence and cross examining your partner will only be practice for divorce court". Believe me...I was/am that person. This is what I mean by changing the relationship...not me. I want to prove my case and be right (that will never change), but at what cost...obviously that hasn't worked for me. If I realize that listening to her is more important than proving my case, then she will feel more comfortable coming back and doing it again. So the next time your MIL badmouths you, instead of your husband feeling that his mother is attacking the "nag" and feeling good about his mother, soon he will feel that his mother is attacking the one he loves and may feel that his mother isn't being fair to her and take the initiative to rectify the situation himself.
Again, this is what I have read and I'm trying to put it into practice right now. I don't feel that anything I've talked about will happen within a week, but just like losing weight, consistency and determination will win out. I think it will take a lot of time and a lot of personal hardship along the way (just like sitting on the treadmill for 1 hour 3 times a week....pain each time you're there and after, but great results in the long run). It is important to realize that in the long run, I haven't changed, but our combined relationship attitude will. Once the love comes back (again, not an easy or quick task), your husband will want to make you happy as you will for him and that's where I think we all want to be.
Sorry for the rambling and long response, but I think a male's perspective could help out a bit. Hope it helps!!

-Mike

Missy

I have no advice about MIL, except, don't hold back. Say what you are thinking when you think it. Sounds as if thats what she understands.

Hubby likes porn. SF must be an important emotional need. Don't fight it; use it. Sounds like a good way to get your SF. Don't take it personal that he goes there. No one person, (not even our spouse) feels the same as we do, knows what we really feel/think (even if you tell them, especially men); they are in their own world, sees and feels with a different lens. It's NOT personal, no matter how personal it feels to us.

If you enjoy sex with your husband, consider considering his computer time foreplay. Work with it. You say these women don't look nothing like you. Well...No published women, magazines, TV, computer, etc. looks like a REAL woman; he has no chose about what they look like. So don't take it personal. Let it work for you.
I know this doesn't solve all your problems, but once he feels you and he are on the same side(not disagreeing about sex), he may actually speak to MIL on your behalf, and if not, OH WELL. If you are meeting in SF need and others, is he going care if YOU line MIL out. (If he's getting everything he needs from you, he will defend/protect you).

What you can tolerate in your life will determine how you go. Consider carefully and deliberatly. But most of all, be true to yourself, to who you are and who you want to be. Said with love, Tenbo

[QUOTE]Originally posted by didimisssomething:
[QB]My husband and I have been married 2 years. We seperated for about nine months and recently got back together.

DEAR YOUNG MARRIED WOMAN,
Many men have found porn to be addictive. But men have other needs besides the physical. MEN need to be respected and esteemed. They also NEED their space. They dislike women who are needy and clingy.
Focus on filling your own life with peace and happiness (and you won't be permanently successful without a deep relationship with your creator). Find your interest in life and find a way to make others happy by doing what you love to do.
REGARDING YOUR HUSBAND: Be happy in the morning when you greet him. Wish him a great day. Thank him--sincerely--for the littlest things he does--and then be on you way. DON'T CLING.
DON'T LOOK FOR ATTENTION FROM HIM. SAY NOTHING, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING if you cannot be positive. SILENCE is a marvelous healer as long as it is done with a smile and not a vindictive look.

LEAVE HIM ALONE--except to smile and say hello and say goodbye. DO NOT TRY TO CHANGE HIM. He will AUTOMATICALLY CHANGE when YOU change yourself--and YOU CANNOT CHANGE YOURSELF until you look within--HONESTLY--and ask for HELP from above to become less selfish, less needy. EMPTY YOUR HURTS AND ANGER EVERY NIGHT into an imaginary bowl. Lift this bowl to the heavens and ask the angels to deliver this heavy bowl to the Father. Then, ask for the bowl to be returned with love, joy and peace and then get the angels to help you scoop it up and fill you up and then have a peaceful night.

SWEEP AWAY THOUGHTS THAT ARE NEGATIVE AND DEPRESSING. It takes a lot of sweeping in the beginning, but you have to practice OPENING YOUR MIND TO YOUR CREATOR. LOOK AROUND AT ALL THE BEAUTY. Check out those BLUE SKIES and LOVELY CLOUDS. Check out the SUNSETS. Stare -- yes stare at some lovely flowers. Go buy a rose and let your heart be filled to overflowing with thankfulness for its beauty.

FILL YOUR MIND with lovely thoughts. RENEW YOUR MIND by CONTROLLING YOUR THOUGHTS! Keep the FOCUS on the needed changes in YOUR life.

YOUR HUSBAND WILL FIND YOU TO BE A MAGNET!!!!!
Takes time. But time goes by anyhow. Live in the present moment.

Dear Avoiding Divorce,

What nice vivid images you have displayed. Read some of your other posts today. Your replies are are a real addition to the discussions. Thanks for taking the time and devotion. didimisssomething has no other posts besides this one, accordng to my search a minute ago.

Quipper,

Married 28 years and still struggling

<small>[ August 31, 2003, 11:28 AM: Message edited by: Quipper ]</small>

Ok, I can't relate to you on the mother-in-law issue because mine is wonderful. But, I can tell you that how you are feeling about the whole porn issue is SOOOOOO normal. I would say that a large percentage of women feel this way. I AM ONE OF THEM. If makes me feel inadequate, angry, extremely hurt, and makes me wonder who he thinks about when we are making love. Is it me, his wife, or a sleazy ----- on the internet? Well, I sat down and calmly discussed with my husband how this makes me feel. He could not understand why it hurts me so much, but he agreed, for our marriage and through his love for me, that it would stop. My husband can be trusted and I believe him 100%. I brought up the Love Bank and what it was doing to mine. Don't let anyone tell you not to FEEL the way you do. We are ENTITLED to these feelings and we deserve to have these feeling RESPECTED!!!!! Have you read Love Busters with your husband? Try laying it down somewhere that he MIGHT pick it up and read it. I hope that you can work this out. I will be thinking of you.

Dear Katy,

Congratulations on arriving at POJA on errotic art with your H. However, I am not sure you came up with the ideal win-win situation.

I am curious if your objections were to errotic art viewing by your husband in private,outside the home, in the family home outside your presence, or as part of the shared marital relations? I restrict my viewing of errotic materials to foreplay with my wife. I look forward to our private bedroom time every night for several reasons, including the pleasure of viewing errotic art.

Your feelings of anger about your husband's viewing errotic art seems to be from jealousy. You, and all individuals, have a right to their feelings, and have a duty to themselves, to find a positive manner to express their ideas and wishes. I am curious, though, what sources you might feel contribute to the intensity of your feelings, and whether you feel that all women have the level of negative intensity of feelings that you have about errotic art?

Your husband appears to have completely surrendered his desires, to serve your wishes. Is there any way to find any middle ground? I find massage instruction videos inspiring to a degree, and my wife has rarely raised an objection to them. Would you have a problem with a view of a back rub or foot massage on the tube during foreplay? Is there any type of art form that he finds errotic, that you can feel OK about? Opera?

You mention that your husband is 100% trustworthy. What percentage is his will power, and what percentage is his satisfaction with the marriage making him uninterested in extra-marital excursions? If you are interested in fidelity, then it seems that you would want him going out each morning, feeling filled up with love, with no interest in skirts.

Speaking personally, I am more fulfilled when errotic immages have been utilized during foreplay.

There is a love song, YOU ARE EVERY WOMAN IN THE WORLD TO ME." I occasionally have images of other women come up, and fade, when I am loving my wife. Sometimes tehimages are women I have met at work, at a restaurant, or on the bus, and I visually undress them when I am loving my wife. But I take my wife as the representative of any one that comes to mind, and merge the image of the other woman, into the presence of my wife. I feel that this is a healthy process that helps fill up my needs for love, and fulfills the lust that arise in me. I am fairly resistant to temptation, independent of my will power. I am not sure that limiting or managing the images in your husbands mind during foreplay is in your best long term interests of fidelity.

I suggest that trust is a matter of degrees, and is never 100%. As a wife, you have the option of having your H walking around more fulfilled or less fulfilled. I feel it is important for you to recognize that your curent Agreement probably leaves your H wallking around less fulfilled.

Best wishes,

Quipper
Married 28 years and still struggling

<small>[ September 04, 2003, 09:03 AM: Message edited by: Quipper ]</small>