My wife and I have two children, and she wants another one. I personally don't feel this is wise.

I've arranged an appointment to have a vascectomy, which upsets my wife. Her reason for having another child is that "she doesn't feel she's done yet". Which is a hard reason to deal with -- it doesn't help one understand her interests behind having another child.

My reasons are -- the impact on our relationship (probably negative), my age (I'm over 40 now) as well as my Domestic Support neeeds, which get more complicated to meet with a greater number of children around.

The Policy of Joint Agreement says "Don't do anything without the ENTHUSIASTIC agreement of your spouse."

This means I shouldn't have the vascectomy until she agrees not to have any more children ENTHUSIASTICALLY.

We can't have half a child, it's all or nothing.

How do we solve this one?

sherlock

The vascectomy would sure be a bad idea right now. This would be taking away her chances at what she may want as well. I don't think you should go ahead with it until she agrees. Not just to not have more children, but for you to have this done.

W and I decided not to have more kids a few times. After the 4th is when we both decided that a vascectomy. We still talk about it at times and agree that each time we changed our minds and had another, it was the right thing to do. We also agree that the vascectomy was also the right thing to do and neither of us have ever thought otherwise.

You may find yourself changing your mind and she may change hers. There is always the chance of a reversal, but it's not sure to work and if you're like me, there is now way ih h3ll that i would let a knife down there twice. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Sherlock,

I, too, suffer from the same question. As a matter of fact I came to MB to find an answer to this question. Of course I received some good advice but there isn't much others can do to remedy this problem.

My wife still feels the need to have more children. I am finished. My reasons are similar to yours.

What is even more difficult for me is that my wife has some of the same reasons as I do for not wanting more. She just gets real depressed when she hears the words 'we're not having anymore kids'. I think in her case it is an issue of how she defines her self-worth. She's thrown herself 100% into the 'mother' mode and she is a wonderful mother at that. So she defines herself as a mother and finds comfort, respect and a feeling of worth doing just that. Unfortunately it is at the expense of everything else that she throws herself into this mode. For awhile and even occassionaly now and then our relationship has been and is suffering because she forgets about us. I've been communicating to her her need to become, once again, something more than just a Mom. She is a beautiful woman who has a lot of wonderful qualities and I let her know it constantly. She's been making some changes and things are getting better for us. As you know marriage is a journey and we seem to be moving toward a common goal.

In the meantime the topic of more children is being ignored. I'm hoping there will come a day when she agrees that the logical reasons for not having more kids far outweighs the emotional need to have more.

Does any of this ring true for your wife? I'd like to hear more about your situation.

Here is a link to my initial post on this topic.

She wants more kids, I don't

<small>[ December 30, 2003, 12:44 PM: Message edited by: MyAlias ]</small>

Your observations are right on! Your W is making a huge mistake by prioritizing the kids over you. The day will come when they are gone and she will be forced to concentrate on you and expend her energies on the M. My W couldn't, or wouldn't, make that transition. Please read my story "Unusual Marriage Situation" for my perspective on this issue. Better yet, ask her to read it with you. God bless!

Hello sherlock!

Any new news?

I was hoping to get a little banter going back and forth between us. Maybe we could help each other to find solutions for each other.

I, too, would like to get the big 'V' but I know better than to even ask that question right now. Plus I live in WI so wife has to sign consent to have this procedure done. I'm sure she won't go for that.

Drop a reply if you get a chance.

Thanks.

Sherlock,

I think it is best to hold on the Vasetomy, because you would be violating the POJA.

However why don't you both agree to disagree right now, because this is a very important decision.

Instead both of you make terms to agree upon for now. Such as you using a condom or her using other birth control (if she isn't already) until you both agree to have or not have another child.

Then why don't both of you take the effort of reserching how it would benefit or not benefit you. Find issue on the internet about it. Talk your your medical care professionals and so on.

Or do something together that will help you both come to a decision.

One more thing, Sherlock.

This may or may not apply to you. While discussing having another child with wife it may help to be sensitive to wife and make sure that you understand her reasons for wanting another baby. Maybe she feels lacking in another area of her life that you can help her with. But try to listen attentively and validate her concerns simply by acknowledging what she tells you. Not agreeing, but ackwoledging.

Try to be calm and not stubbornly resistant to her desire. Sometimes people insistently try harder to get what you don't want.

Also, if she feels that you are patronizing her or ignoring her she may feel that you really don't care which may cause her to want to push having the baby more.

Here is a page on resovling conflict and restoring love from this site that might help. How to creat your own plan to resolve conflicts and restore love.

Just my thoughts.

Sherlock -
I am much younger than you but face a similar problem. My husband and I are on our first child (4.5 mos.) and he always talks of having more. THis is something I always wanted until I saw what kind of a parent he is - which makes me shy away from having more children with him. It effects our marriage because we fight about the fact that he spends little time with our son and feels that I as the wife should be the primary caregiver at all times. Anyway, you should wait on the operation but speak to your wife about how another child might effect your marriage. I cant get my husband to understand that he needs to do more as a father but you may be able to explain to your wife that having children is a big decision that does require significant time, effort, and enthusiam on BOTH your parts.