Its been nearly 2 years and we are still arguing about me going to a strip club once for a bachelor party. Everyone except her is tired of hearing it. We have seen therapists who say she is beating a dead horse, that she needs to let it go. We have spent hours, sometimes talking lovingly, sometimes arguing fiercely. I admit what I did was stupid and I know I hurt her and I am sorry. It scared the hell out of me when I got back that evening and told her I had some lap dances and she told me she experienced that as infidelity, I promised her I would never set foot in a strip club again, and I have not, nor do I have any intention of doing so. She seemed fine until 10 months later and now she cannot let it go and continues to bring it up frequently, I have been inconsistent in being supportive about her feelings largely due to the hours spent talking about it, being grilled about every detail. This topic has ruined too many evenings and weekends. I have asked her to stop at times because I had either just woke up in the morning, or because I wasn't feeling well with a headache etc., or because we had been talking about it for hours and my patience was running out, and she cannot. This is from a woman who dumped me 13 years ago, and was married 6 months later, to someone she hardly knew. She's currently getting divorced and has three young kids, so is under considerable stress from that, and obviously was greatly disillusioned by what I did. I think she is ruminating, obsessing, etc. and may very well have some sort of OCD or anxiety disorder. She is always looking for reassurance. We are not married and I am really beginning to think we may not be a good match because of her inability to let it go, and her inability to stop when I ask her. We need to resolve this. I can't help but feel what she did to me, (dumping me and subsequently getting married when I was literally half way across the country to move in with her), pales in comparison to one evening in a strip club. How do we resolve this?

Rollin,

Welcome to the forum. How about cutting and pasting this over on GQII....this board hardly gets any traffic and I'd like to see you get more answers. That board is very active and has very knowledgeable posters who can help.

Good Luck. I'll catch up with you over there. In the meantime...read as much as possible on the home site and keep posting.

Let me know if you need help moving the thread and I'll do it for you.

Rollin, Remember that the one thing that forgiveness and recovery take mast is ...TIME. My W reminds me of things that occured over 20 years ago on ocassion. Once she see's that you are committed to her and to your vow of not going to a club again, she will gradually stop talking about it and it will pass. Also, as she grows spiritualy, she will come to grips with it and learn to forgive. Remember that you cannot make her change, change yourself and she will see the results and follow. Best of luck with this and God bless.

rollin, this lady has obvious problems. going to a strip club is something that most girlfriends/wives wouldn't approve of, but to bring it up over and over again is not correct. all of us make mistakes and most of us learn from our mistakes. i am sure you have learned that your girlfriend does not want you to do it again. tell her in a serious and stern tone that you have learned you lesson about this and it will not happen again. let her know that it is time to drop the subject because it will cause problems each and every time the conversation starts. i am sure the two of you have many more important things to do and work on than a mistake you made years ago.

As someone who lived thru this for almost 20 years <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ......it's not going to go away by you telling her sternly to leave it alone and get over it.
that approach will not accomplish what you hope for.

i imagine you want the issue resolved.
i bet she does too.

Do you want her to believe you when you tell her you are sorry? Believe you when you say you won't do it again? DO you want to feel comfortable that she trusts you?

she does not trust you or your feelings for her.......and i doubt that she even really understand why.
but, treating her like a child isn't going to help her trust you again.

Do you care why the issue bothers her so much?
or do you not want to face it?

<small>[ January 30, 2004, 01:09 PM: Message edited by: nelly ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She's currently getting divorced and has three young kids, so is under considerable stress from that, and obviously was greatly disillusioned by what I did. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WHOA!!! HOLD THE PHONE! THIS WOMAN IS STILL MARRIED? You realize this board is dedicated to saving marriages, right?

She is still upset about an incident that she viewed as infidelity when she was dating you and married to someone else (I mean, this was 2 years ago)???? AKA: While she was having an affair with you. You are an affair partner, what is referred to as an OM out here.

I'm deleting my previous advice. You need to break off your relationship with her until she is single.

You do realize that 90+% of marriages that result from extramarital relationships end in divorce, right? I think you need to read up on these relationships and really give serious thought to your relationship with this woman.

<small>[ January 30, 2004, 12:58 PM: Message edited by: *Takola* ]</small>

I dont think it helps to judge their situation or throw statistics around.

What R needs to do is really understand why it hurt his wife so much. She probably isnt trying to hurt him, it may be just that she has low self esteem, and it hurt her that her husband was admiring beautiful women so close to their wedding day. She probably has an image in her mind of her husband with these lapdancers that she cant get out of her head. She realises the qualities they possess that she doesnt have. She thinks she cant possibly be enough for her husband if he visited lapdancers. Also, she may have been hurt by men in the past and has difficulty trusting her new husband, whether he is trustworthy or not.

If you can show her that you understand how she feels, and she percieves you as making real effort to dispell these thoughts she has, she may realise she can trust you and she may be able to move past this.

Good luck, be patient with her and remember why you love her.

I would consider my going to a strip club and getting a lapdance to be cheating.

If my SO had done this in the past, I think I would have a hard time disconnecting the past action from the implied attitudes and behavior such a thing suggests. If my SO did this during our marriage, I would be devastated. And knowing that going into a relationship or even in considering the future would make me step back and wonder if it's going to happen again... and again... and how many times?

The implied attitudes being:
- If it's for fun, sexual impropriety is okee dokey.
- It's okay to pay for sexual titillation.
- The rules of monogamy change, apparently, when you're at certain places (strip club), in certain situations (with friends or horney), or with certain people (strippers).

From a woman's point of view, there is also the implied perception she'll feel that there is an "ideal" female form for sexual attractiveness to you. Most "normal" women feel a bit put off by the plastique look of strippers and porn stars. And, I agree, why should they have to compete with all that plastic surgery?