I've been reading over some of the posts here and you all seem to give some good advice. I stumbled across this site quite by accident, but I don't believe such things are coincidence. So I'm going to share my long sorted story with you. Because at this point I'm ready to end my marriage and call it a day.

I met my husband about 13 years ago. I was 19 and he was 21. To make long story longer. I knew the 3rd time I saw him I'd marry him. Just didn't think it would take 11 years for me to do so. My husband before marriage has taken me through the wringer.
While dating, I treated him like my husband. If he needed me for anything I was there. Even if it was his family, there I was helping. I went to every family function, and made sure I looked the supporting girlfriend in every aspect.
What did he do for me? For got my birthdays, didn't by me gifts, cheated on me with other women, when I told him I had been raped as a child and had suppressed then remembered everything he told me it was no big deal, why was I worried about it? Told me he wasn't going to get that close to me, because his mother had taught him his family was forever, I would be fleeting. And this is only to name a "few" things that have gone down over the years.
Finally about 2 years ago I decided I'd put up with just about enough and started looking for jobs and apartments in another state. I met someone who's marriage was ending at the time and was making plans to be with him when my husband finally proposed. I stood there looking at him and it was on the tip of my tongue to say no, but I didn't. I wish I had.
But I said, I love him, and maybe this is the start of him changing. Well I'm failing to mention that right before this, his brother convinced him (and this said brother is always convincing him to do something or other) that they should start a porn site. While I was at work they would shoot these girls in my living room, wearing my lingerie and using my sex toys and lotions, perfumes etc, and not telling me. I found the pictures one day and went off on him. Again I did not leave so I am the fool here. Well he tells me he's sorry, and that he and his brother need to take a trip to New Orleans...on my birthday but he'll be back in time to spend the day with me. He didn't call..not once. He finally shows up at 5pm on my birthday with a gift he picked up at the art store just minutes before he got to the house. I told him to F--- off and was then and there again about to walk. I didn't. Again I'm a big huge fool. So that day even, we had sex, I got pregnant and then began a new set of problems. We had no money because he was spending it TRYING to make money off of said site. Now honestly, if my husband were pulling down 2k or more a week doing this, I could look at it as a legitimate business. I, being the kind of woman I am, would even step in and professional it up a bit, but no..the grand total for what he was bringing home? 200 dollars...a month. My husband is by no stretch of the imagination without talent. He's a very very talented artist. And has the god given gift of being and to do ANYTHING artistic. When I say anything, I mean he can paint, sketch, computer art, caricatures..if it's art he can do it. He would not use his gift to try to earn money...he has an addiction to porn. Caught him "relieving" himself to a few videos they'd shot and pictures. I remember watching him tell another woman how sexy she was and beautiful. Something he's NEVER said to me without us having an arguement first. This angers me to no end.
The whole time I'm pregnant I get NO pampering without my having to fight first. I mean those husbands out there who go out to get their wife things to comfort them while they are pregnant I got none of. No foot massages, no cute runs to the store in the middle of the night for ice cream, or even during the day. Hell, when I started having early labor, he stood in the parkinglot of the hospital arguing with me, and me and baby could have died right there.
All of this culminates with me having our baby alone in the hospital and afraid. (Emergency C-section) While he was at home looking at porn (I'm very computer savy and checked the time to see where he was.) His mother insisted he leave me alone to go home and put together our baby's crib which he didn't have done when she got home. I put together her bassinette a week before, by myself I might add. I was a problem pregnancy and shouldn't have had to do all that alone, with a husband sleeping in the next room.
I have had to deal stuff like his brother calling here at 11:30 to tell him that he's got some pictures of a girl he just shot and come outside to look at them.
I've had to deal with his mother talking down to me and telling me what SHE'S going to do with MY child while he stands there and defends HER. This is even after pre-wedding couseling and being told he's a mama's boy and that he needed to cut the apron strings.
Again I'm glossing over some of the worst still, but right now. I'm wanting to just get my things and go. I've mentioned counseling again, but he won't go. Again couseling is a huge sacrifice in this case because I'm pagan and we went to couseling at a Christian church. I'm willing to go again, because that's how serious I am about this. He, who is claiming to be a Christain, won't go. He now says the minister who gave us counseling doesn't know jack.
Did I mention it's a church his brother goes to? That's the other reason I picked it. He thinks his brother is god (His YOUNGER brother) so I picked there. Did I mention that their father cheated on their mother up until a few months ago when she caught him outright? Did I mention his brother has cheated on his wife of 3 years more than once?
Do I think he's cheating on me? Don't know, don't care any more. I just want to be away. I'm feeling like...honestly...what the hell am I doing with this man? I'm not an unattractive woman. I can turn heads when I walk in a room, I'm smart(not in this instance I guess) and I'm a strong womam. So why am I with this person, who finds it hard to even kiss me good morning, but swears to the moon and back that he loves me. I know he's capable of it because he shows our daughter love. But even that scares me because I've caught him "relieving" himself less that 5 feet away from her crib, with her being awake. If she did see him, I'm hoping she didn't know what she was seeing. Our office area is right outside her room, so he sits there on the computer doing this.
And this porn thing is not an every once in a while thing, it's EVERY DAY, SEVERAL TIMES A DAY. And while I use to go out of my way to wear the cute lingerie and show up at his house in sexy costumes to keep the spice and romance going, I get nothing in return, not even gratitude so I don't any more.
I can't stand for him to even touch me. I sleep on the couch as much as I can. Even when I try talking to him about all of this. The fact that I don't like having sex with him because he never tries to get me aroused and makes fun of me when I DO tell him what I like, he just won't listen. So any advice? I am trying to adhere to the for better or for worse, but all I've seen is worse and I don't think I should have to suffer anymore. I feel like I'm in hell. Sorry for the rant but I needed to talk to SOMEbody.

Signed, Not really Jillian

Hi Jillian,
I don't know how good my advise will be, but I did want to let you know that I read your post.

When you are making this decision, please weigh the effect on your daughter heavily. In most cases, I think that would mean working through things all the more to make sure that your daughter gets to have her daddy in her life. However, I'm not so sure that her father will do squat as a role model and I'm not so sure you want to risk putting your own daughter through what you experienced sexually as a child.
Do you think there is a chance your H will sexually molest your daughter as she grows older?

I guess one thing I would suggest is reading about sex/porn addictions. Even if you decide to leave your H, I think it will help you heal if you know more about what is happening with him. It seems pretty clear that your H is addicted to porn. Run a search for porn addiction in the Emotional Needs forum and also in the infidelity forums. I know there are some lengthy discussions and hopefully you will gain some insight. Whatever you do, please do not blame yourself for this addiction.

As I read your post, I just kept thinking "why the hell did she ever marry this man?" The premise of MB is to rebuild the love that was lost. Did your relationship ever really have love? By that, did you ever feel love from him? Not just the words. If you never felt love from him and he continues to treat you with such incredible disrespect, I really don't think you will be able to build love from scratch. I am definitely pro-marriage and fighting for that marriage with everything you have, but I'm not so sure there is anything worth fighting for here.
You need to ask yourself, "Have I tried everything I can to save this marriage?" If you can honestly say yes (including consistent individual counseling), then get a divorce.

You'll get more responses if you repost your story in the Emotional Needs forum where there is far more traffic.

Take care,
Smile

Wow Jillian, that is quite a story! I would have to say I totally agree with Smiles! You are definately in a tough situation. Like Smiles, I am pro-marriage and obviously if you have read any of my other posts in EN or Other Topics you'll see I am definately for fighting till the end! When I read your post it makes me wonder if there was really a beginning. It sounds like it ended long before it began.
Smiles is right when she asks if you ever FELT loved by him or has it always just been the words.
There are alot of marriages and relationships that have to deal w/infidelity and/or porn addiction problems but it sounds like your H has gone beyond a simple addiction. It is border line frightning especially considering you have a daughter in the house. We never want to believe or even think our spouse would stoop so low but there are just too many horror stories out there. The world of porn belongs to the devil and the longer you hold on to the addiction and the deeper you delve into that dark world the more numb your morals become until you have none.
As far as him saying he is a Christian, unless he has the worst case of backsliding I have ever heard of, he is far from one. That kind of sin can't run rampant like that, especially for as long as you say it has.
Once again, as a Christian, my beliefs are that there is almost no reason for divorce, that God can and does in faithful cases, work things out. But it doesn't sound like there is much holding you to him w/the exception of your daughter. Depending on how old she is she may not be immediately affected by the divorce. But then which is the lesser of the two evils, having her wonder what happened to Daddy or Why does Daddy do what he does(porn)? Or worse?
There are men out there who will treat you and your daughter with respect and love you in a proper way.
Really take a good look at your situation and ask yourself the tough questions. More importantly, answer those questions HONESTLY!
Stick with those of us here working through our own situations and we can all help and encourage eachother. Do expect that you may not always want to hear what you WANT to hear, but sometimes it's what you NEED to hear. Also read through the BASICS and other principles in this site as they are valuable nuggets of gold that will enrich your life.

Dear Not Really Jillian:

Call the nearest Women's Center and find out what kind of services they offer. They may have legal counsel that will give you free sessions just to figure out what to do first. They may have some counseling services at reduced or free rates for you alone, where someone who has talked to many other women in just your situation will be able to give you the best advice.

Obviously, you must decide what to do yourself. I am 39, have been through divorce-no kids at the time, am remarried, now have 4 kids, separated and going back after my kids school lets out in this school district. That's my short bio.

A book called Every Man's Battle will give you insight into you H's addiction. As far as loving you, those are nice words, but actions naturally represent truth. The truth sometimes hurts. If I had just one child and was in your situation, I would write a list of every available "help" option I had, including every friend who ever admired your baby, every friend who pays for childcare, any family member you trust who would be willing to donate their time to helping you with your daughter. Get a job, as good a one as you can. Get a divorce. Get an education-perhaps nursing?-that pays bills, gives you flexibility and has security. Get as much child support through the divorce as you can. See what kind of visitation rights he can have and under what circumsrtances, depending on what kind of custody you can win/agree on before going to court. You procbably do need counseling to serve as support in this very trying and disappointing time. Get a financial counselor to help with short-term and long-term financial planning for you and your daughter. Take the best care of yourself as you can. See a nutritionist (once?) to find out about healthy eating for now and for life. Exercise 1/2 hour daily (I know what you are thinking, but you are smart enough to figure out how to do it).

Your story is a sad one, but doesn't have to read like a long tragic tale at the end of your life. Your daughter is depending on you to be strong.

Do not turn around and start dating other men because you feel lonely. Give yourself at least a year after the divorce is final before you date anyone. You will have your hands full with your daughter anyway.

Never say anything bad to your daughter about your father when she is young. If it turns out that he wants to be part of her life despite the inconvenience of logistics, you make sure she is safe. How? Be present or send along someone you trust as chaperone. If he fades out, then explain it when she is old enough to understand that her worth as a person is not determined by his presence and love and support in her life or the lack thereof. She has intrinsic value apart from him, apart from you.

Be strong, but not bitter. The bitterness will make you old and the anger will eat at you. Be strong by telling yourself there is help, all you have to do is find it. That tomorrow is another day, one that offers new hope because it holds new possibilities. Good luck.

-Christeen

Ditto to what Christeen said. I think that's some pretty sound advise.
I have read the book she suggested and once again I agree, it will give you some insight as to his state of mind and where it may lead.
Keep looking up! A bad marriage experiance is not the end of the road, sometimes it's just a U-Turn to a new & better place!
Till next time!

Thanks all for the advice.

First I wanted to add a few things. I do have a job. I work at home. No not selling Avon, but real bonafide job. Have an education and everything. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Well partially. I'm still in school, but I will hopefully have a degree by next year.
Right now the only close relative I have is my grandmother. And although I've mentioned to her a few times that I want to leave him and she's said me and baby are welcome there...my grams has her own issues. I don't want to have to deal with her, as in live with her right now. I am thinking that I may move back into a smaller apartment in this complex, just so I don't remove the baby from her father altogether and just hold on to my money for a while.
And let me say this. I have my own faults. I'm not trying to make myself out to be a martyr here. But I basically can't talk to him and if I do try he'll say something like..well you do stuff to me. Honestly, I react to how I'm treated. Like for HIS birthday I bought him a cake and a gift. For my birthday he the day before said he was doing all of this special stuff. Had a day planned for him the baby and I...so I get up. I go get a haircut, come back and we do...nothing. He takes me to lunch then leaves me at home with the baby for a few hours. Then came back looking at me like..what, what did I do? I feel very alone to be honest. I'm trying to adhere to my wedding vows and not say anything bad about my husband to my girlfriends, because during pre-wedding couseling I was told to uplift him in front of others TO others, and he was to do the same with me. Instead what I hear is...take today for instance. When it was time for my lunch break I went out to get the baby and I something and this lady and I got into a fender bender in the parkinglot.
Nothing serious, our signal light was busted and she had a scrape and we agreed to just let it go. I called and at first he was like are you ok? Then when I got back here, he's yelling at me and rolling his eyes. I'm asking him what's his problem and he's like Now I have to fix that, why didn't you get her insurance? Blah blah. After I said before I even got back here I'd pay for it. It's the signal light and cover. What's it gonna cost? 5 million dollars? He then gets in the car and starts to discuss it with his brother and calls me from his cell to ask me something about whatever. He's always discussing OUR life with his brother. And even my brother in laws wife has told him that they are too close. As in, nothing is off limits. His brother can call here at any time of the night (they have no children) or say anything he wants about me, make decisions as to how OUR household should be run. And my husband thinks nothing of it. He'll discuss what he should do (like our buying a house) with his brother and THEN talk to me about it. It's almost like THEY are married. He will always tell his brother where he is, use to call him first thing every morning when he got up. Hunt all over town to find him the perfect birthday present...just everything that he should be doing for me.
In case you all hadn't noticed, I'm extremely angry. I'm angry at myself and I'm angry at him. I've even brought up the subject of divorce and then he gets angry saying stuff like..I've never hit you! How can I be mistreating you? And no my parents stayed married..so no I don't want to talk about that. So now..I just don't talk to him. Literally. I just pretend he isn't there. Last night he went out-to his brothers again-and stayed gone til midnight. He says he tried to call me, but he called only after he'd been gone an hour and a half to say he'd be late. He went so say to get a movie.
Is there any way to get a divorce without him having to sign? How do I do this? I've been to the Women's Center here and they don't offer much to you unless you're battered or raped. I have an attorney but I don't want him to call here and the husband answer. I just want to do this and go. I'm not afraid or anything, just want to go. I do suffer from CFS (another source of constant arguements) so I want to keep the stress minimal, less I aggravate it.
I'm taking decent care of myself because I know no one else will. I learned that about him a while ago. If I get so much as a cold, what I get instead of meds, soup is yelled at, how did I get sick, sighs and facial expressions basically saying how irritated he is to have to do anything for me. Nothing nice is ever done for me without there first being an arguement. Not ever.
anyway, last hour of work crunch time.

Jillian, are you ready to get divorced? Do you feel that you have honestly tried everything to save your marriage?
I understand how miserable things are, but you ARE at a marriage building forum. If you are dead set on divorce, I encourage you to move your questions over to the Divorced/Divorcing forum.
If you want to try and save your marriage, move over to the Emotional Needs forum (lots more traffic in both of those forums).

Take care...good luck.
Smile

I'm sorry, I was venting and asking for advice. Wasn't meaning to be a bother.

No one said you were being a bother. There are different forums for different issues. If you want people who can give you support through a decision to divorce, you will get many more responses from the divorce forum...as well as responses from people experiencing similar situations.

This forum doesn't get much traffic. I was hoping to redirect you to the right forum for your needs. The divorcing forum is the best place if you are ready to move on. Pretty much all the other forums are geared toward saving the marriage.

Smile

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Because at this point I'm ready to end my marriage and call it a day.

I am trying to adhere to the for better or for worse, but all I've seen is worse and I don't think I should have to suffer anymore. I feel like I'm in hell.

Is there any way to get a divorce without him having to sign?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">MB concepts will be difficult if not impossible to adopt successfully since there is an addiction present. Drinking and/or drug usage would mean addictions plural and that much MORE difficult.

Jillian, if you'd like to discuss possible ways to work on your marriage we'll be happy to try to help, but I'm taking your post as a plea for suggestions on how to end it, not how to save it. Please redirect us with your thoughts if that is not what you want.

Find out if your state is a no-fault divorce state (meaning, you don't have to prove abuse, infidelity, etc, one party just has to want a divorce and file). Your H would have to be notified legally of a divorce action, of course, but technically he doesn't have to sign anything for a court to grant you an eventual divorce, or bifurcation. And there are ways to either agree on issues such as living arrangements, custody/visitation and support (mediation either with third party moderator or through attorneys), or ask the court to decide and issue an order. Does that answer your question?