I have surfed through the Q&A section of this website and have not found anything related to a controlling wife. Rather, I have found information about a controlling husband, so with that said, here I go.
<p>I have been married for 11 years. I am 32 and my wife is 43. This is our first marriage, but we have had increased conflicts over the past 3-4 years over control. More specifically, her control. Let me also add that I was involved in an extramarital relationship about two years ago. I feel that this mainly happened because my wife squelched me by her controlling qualities. I must add that I have been introspective on this and do feel that during our dating years while I was 19 and she was 30, I was looking toward a woman that knew the world and could teach me. Hence, I feel in love with her because we both connected on an emotional level.
<p>We have been in counseling for the past 1 1/2 years after the affair. We have talked about the controlling issue and our counselor has cushioned the blow to my wife as "her basic core need of security which gets threatened". In other words, when her security feels threatened, her level of questions, prying, and involvement increases. He has never come outright and told her that she is controlling, but he believe that she is and is trying to get her to see it and agree to it. She always denies that she is controlling. Examples of her being controlling ranges from many things. I will suggest to her that we start a budget so we can get a better handle on our finances, or at least so I can understand the finances better, and she flat out refuses. She handles all financial responsibilities in the family. It just happened by default. I reassure her that I am not criticizing how she spends money since she is very thrifty, but I would like to know where things go. She also asks me where I spend my money. I may have a few bucks in my pocket and spend it at work on a vending machine, a paper, etc.. She remembers that I have the few bucks and will ask, if I have it, and if it is no, where did it go. I feel like a child under the gun. You see, I don't treat her that way, I do not put any demands on her and do not request much from her. She pretty much has total freedom and want to be treated like I treat her. It almost like she doesn't trust me. I remember I purchased a stud finder a few years ago, an item that costed about $2.50, and when I shared I got it so we could find the studs, she verbally attacked me for spending money on it. I also attend a mens Bible Study group and she constantly asks me if I have done the lesson. Sometimes I get it done, other times I don't and when I don't, she asserts that I do not take my time with God serious enough. Also, when we discuss these issues, I remain calm, while her voice gets louder and intensifies, signifying trying to control making me feel less significant. Its like I am under the watchful eye of my wife and she will not let loose and I feel tired and weary. This definitely is a love buster.
<p>The affair happened while I was on a two month business trip. I let loose. I had total freedom away from her and had my own money. My being squelched definitely had a negative impact on me while away since I found "total freedom" Needless to say, that is not the freedom that I am looking for. I want my wife to respect me and appreciate me and leave the controlling out. Should I request that our counselor be more direct and tell her she is controlling? He says that she does that, it may alienate her totally, but if she will not recognize it on her own, then this relationship is doomed.
<p>JK

If she is making selfish demands and disrespectful judgements, these are love busters and they will destroy your relationship. Will she read Dr. Harley's book "Love Busters?" This may help her to understand what she is doing. I have some of the same issues, and it helped me. I don't think I would have listended to anyone tell me I was controlling, I would have shut them out.
<p>On the other hand, if you have been unfaithful to her, it is unrealistic for you to expect her trust. You have proven that you are not trustworthy. You should read Dr. Harley's Rule of Honesty and discuss it with your wife. You do need to tell her all the details of your past, your present day to day activities, your feelings, and your plans for the future.
<p>She needs to tell you the details of the budget too. And she needs to stop making selfish demands that go beyond the basic rules of honesty. Use the Policy of Joint agreement on issues like the bible study group.
<p>Good luck, I hope you can work things out.

John:
<p> As I read your post, I wondered at your statement of her "prying". My H and I have gone through a similar situation and the age thing is about the same, but I am not trying to control him. I really am just trying to promote normal conversation with him.
<p>I tell him everything; about my day, about my friends and where I've been, etc. and try to include him in all of my decisions about job changes etc. I am also a very affectionate person. We have been married for 16 years. He has always been fairly secretive; but it has gotten to the point that we don't even have what I call a normal conversation. You know, where you actually talk about other things than routine day-to-day stuff.
<br> Almost 2 years ago now, he had a relationship with a woman (he swears no sex was involved), but he said he felt like she was his soulmate and might not ever recover from it. When that was over he was more withdrawn than ever. My question is, if he feels like he has a bad relationship, why doesn't he leave? It is very hard for me to trust him now, and the less he shares with me, the harder it is.
<br> Over the past year, I've had to take a long look at myself and with the help of God and therapy, I am now a stronger person, and I do feel that it may be best for me to insist that he leave, for both our sakes. I do love him John, but openess and interaction is very important to me. I love to laugh and am in love with life; I don't feel like he is going to come back to the relationship.
<p>Thanks for listening, Jeri
<br>

Jeri,
<p> It is hard to be sure what the best move for you to take is right now. When I mention "prying", I truly believe that it goes beyond normal intimate conversation and goes more into a desire to have to know. When things are volunteered on my part, then I seem to get zapped by her. Like she is waiting for something to nail me on. It isn't casual conversation to build intimacy, rather it is too destroy it. I guess I need to read more about Love Busters.
<p>I know in your situation, you said that your hubby does not seem to talk much anymore. If you are to look at the reasons, what would he say is the reason he doesn't talk or share? How about you? Are you two extremely busy in life and job that it is hard to find the time to meet together to build intimacy. That is what is happening with me I'm afraid and I throw that out to you to consider. Just remember that I man's needs is to be built up and respected, and if he feels that those needs are threatened, he will feel vulnerable in sharing and talking. That is my take on this and I hope that this may help a bit.
<p>John

John:
<p>I've thought a lot about your question, Why he doesn't talk or share? As best I can determine, w/o any input from him, he has turned to introspection and perhaps he is having a hard time accepting what he sees about himself. 1)He betrayed me, after 15 years of faithful marriage. Yes, he's like any other male, the lust for others has been with him, but he never acted on it, either sexually, or in an intimate friendship. He now realizes that I will never truly trust him again, after 2 such betrayals. I can have a certain amount of trust for him, but according to therapists, that original trust may never be restored.
<br>2)Those relationships may have really (and this is hard for me to say)opened his heart to love and he is struggling with those feelings, as well as how he feels about me; and to share those feelings might hurt me.
<p>No, we have plenty of time to spend with each other. He is always at home. I have healed enough to want to experience life again, but I don't observe that he has. He is still in deep introspection, and who knows what else he is feeling. While his feeling are important to me, I can't force him to share.
<br>At this stage, I find myself strong enough to face the part of my self that was blinded by love, and rip all the romantic love away. If what I find there is unconditional love for him, and if in his introspection he can grow and find that love for me, we have a chance at an even stronger partnership, with honor for one another. There is no way to rebuild something that may not have been there in the first place.
<p>I feel I can best help him by honoring us both. Yes I understand that a man needs to be 'needed' and his needs must be met also. If my actions or words threaten his needs, then to me, that means that he is dependent on my energy for those needs. And that's OK, but not to the point of depletion.
<p>Are you in the same state as my H? Do you share your day and your feelings w/W? Or is it that you have learned from experience that you will never be able to answer her questions in a manner that 'shuts her up'(no disrespect intended)? I have lots of questions for you...Does she have a life that she is happy with? I mean her own life, hobbies, a job, friends, etc. Does she rely on you to entertain her? You mentioned busy schedule, and lack of intimacy. Maybe you have just grown away from her. People change as a marriage progresses, and acceptance of that change by each partner is important. If that change causes one to grow and the other doesn't accept that (but sees it happening) fear begins to creep in. You are not responsible for your W's feelings, you don't own those, they belong to her. Look into your self and if you open your eyes you can see the answers you seek. You may not like them, but there they are.....
<p>I send my love to you, John. Just remember that you can't save your marriage by your self. Before you even attempt that, as the Bible says, To Thine Own Self Be True. Look inside and see what you need to grow and to experience life more fully. You may find that going on to 'greener pastures' is not what you want at all. That would be awfully easy wouldn't it? I often wonder about people who say they were so much happier after they walked out on a bad relationship. Was it really bad?? Did you W or H abuse you; were they alcoholics or drug addicts? Most of the time, it is just change within that can no longer be contained, and who knows how long a new relationship will last before change occurs again? Sometimes you just have to be alone for a while to work things out with your self. How can you do that and rebuild the relationship at the same time? Sounds like 2 seperate problems to me....
<p>Love and peace, Jeri

Hi Jeri,
<p>You certainly have reason not to fully trust your husband after his "betrayal", but I'm wondering if this in itself isn't an obstacle to your getting fully back together.
<p>If he can't even earn your trust, what motive does he have to try? If you are trying to follow Biblical standards, shouldn't you not only forgive him fully, but trust him fully as well. (Not to be one sided, if the situation were reversed, he should do the same for you.)
<p>I think if you're talking, you've got a good chance. Keep it up! I know that if my wife approached me - with an attitude of non-judgemental love and acceptance - I would tell her anything she wanted to know.
<p>Not to place blame, but a straying husband isn't totally at fault for his actions. (but not to absolve him for what he did.) I'll bet you'll find out that there was a need of his that you were not meeting. I like to think I do everything that my wife wants, but unless I ask her, I might be doing the things I THINK she wants as opposed to what SHE wants.
<p>Val