My husband & I have been married for 2 months and have yet to consumate our marriage. We've been together for nearly 2 years and both decided to wait until we married to have a sexual involvement. I have brought the subject to discuss my feelings to him how it makes me feel that he doesn't respect my needs and that I'm insignificant. He states that he is scared (he's only made love to a woman once and it was a bad relationship!)along with his hatred for condoms. He completely understands how it effects me and we'll work it slowly together. However, in the meantime, he likes for me to be his masturbatory aid while fulfilling himself. I'm the complete giver in this marriage. I told him that it unfair that he receives pleasure while I wait in the wings to see if there's any left for me.

Hi Heather,
<p>First off, Congratulations on remaining celibate before marriage. (No, really!)
<p>Secondly, as a man, I personally can't understand why your husband won't consumate. (That doesn't help you either, I know.)
<p>(I'm gonna shoot out random ideas here, so hang on!)
<p>Have you tried "seducing" him? Low lighting, sexy lingerie, bottle of wine, soft music, etc.?
<p>How about reassuring him? You mentioned that he had a bad experience. He needs to know that you love him for who he is and that he's safe with you. Remind him that you're new at this too, that it's OK to make mistakes and he doesn't have to be "Don Juan".
<p>Is the condom issue a major one? (Is it possible he's refusing to use a condom, not refusing to make love?) Can you use another method of birth control?
<p>You didn't say how you're being his "masturbatory aid" (and you probably don't want to say). Could you change things around a bit to encourage him to pay some attention to you? Possibly mutual masturbation? Have you tried to guide his hands to the areas that you want attended to? (Getting his hands off of himself?) Possibly positioning yourself in a way to invite stimulation as you stimulate him?
<p>Sorry if any of this is too forward. I hope some of it will give you some new ideas. As I said, for me, it's hard to understand.
<p>Val<p>[This message has been edited by V.]

At this point, I think you really need to seek a counselor. This is extreme and something deeper is going on.
<p>Several things could be happening:
<p>Performance anxiety?
<br>Impotence?
<br>Lack of sex drive?
<br>A homosexual not wanting to deal with it?
<br>He's not attracted to you?
<br>He needs something additional to make him aroused, but he's afraid to tell you?
<br>He is turned off by you pushing too hard?
<p>All of these could be or none of these could be, but something is up and counseling is needed. Don't try to blame him or accuse him. Try to be supportive and suggest that you seek counseling together so you can solve it together. You love him no matter what, but this a big issue for you and the two of you need to work on it together.
<p>Melissa

You might want to both try filling out the Emotional Needs Questionnaire at this website as a way to bring this topic up for discussion. Sexual intimacy is an important emotional need and if it is not being met, it will eventually erode the love and trust in your relationship.
<p>The Questionnaire may give you the basis for a more comfortable discussion of all the issues that face married couples - and I believe that Dr. Harley would recommend that all married couples use it, even if there don't appear to be any problems in the relationship, as it could help to avoid potential trouble down the road.
<p>terri

I tried to post this message earlier but everything locked up, if it gets repeated, Sorry.<p>Ok, this is going to be a little graphic, i will try to be good <p>From the little you have told me It sounds like performance anxiety so i have a suggestion tha i think no man can resist (it works for me)<br>First, my first sexual encounter was a disater. I was young and diddnt perform very well, the girl i was with made fun of me and said that I could never please any woman.<br>Well, it was a while before i ventured into the bedroom again with another woman and this time it was what the woman done for me that made the world of difference.<p>First, it was the same, i only wanted to be masturbated (i already knew how to do that and was comfortable with that)<br>She understood why i was that way, scared to sleep with her so she started acting for me.<br>While she was "using her hands" she had her head close to my ear. She started to groan quietly and seductivly. Then she slowly moved her leg up and down against mine and before i knew it she had slid on top of me (still using her hands)<br>I tried to get her off but still whispering in my ear she said "shhhh, i am going to give you something you are going to like a lot more than this, just close your eyes and relax, it's ok, dont worry about anything" ( I will always remember those words )<br>She started making love to me while still making slight moans (mmmm's and ooh's)<br>In my mind i was petrified that i wasnt going to be any good and that she was going to leave me because of it, but the noises she made sounded as if i was doing OK.<br>She then started talking to me about how good it felt and just made the mood so loving and gentle.<br>She diddnt make any requests from me like touching her anywhere or moving anyway, she told me that i shouldnt try to pleasure her, this was just for me. She just wanted me to lay there and be comfortable.<br>It wasnt long before she told me that she was... um... "going to climax VERY soon" <br>She was faking it but i diddnt know at the time, she just wanted me to have the best experience she could give me.<br>As i reached my peak she got excited and...um... audiobly made her pleasure known. <br>After we were both done she layed next to me and held me for a while, she said that it had never been like that, it was so good, giving me sweet kisses, etc, You know, all the mushy stuff.<br>She made me feel that i did good that night and exitedly told me that she couldnt wait to do that again. It was NOTHING like my first time, now i felt wanted and loved with no pressure for reciprocation and couldnt wait for the next time).<br>I took it upon myself from then to learn EVERYTHING i could about the female body so i can be better in bed and take much enjoyment in pleasuring my mate (some say i am oversexed now)<br>This helped for me and if you set the mood right like "V" said, low lighing, music etc. I would change the lengerie to be nothing at all or something that wont hinder you when you decide to....um..... mount him (i am trying to not be graphic really i am)<br>Find out if there is a certain fabric that feels good to him, i personally like something satin that feels soft and smooth, that will just heighten his arousal.<p>Remember, make it HIS night, no demands, no requests of your own, no pressure.<br>If it is performance anxiety he has then let him believe he is the best lover in the world (but dont go overboard)<p>If a man believes that he has made a woman climax through intercourse then that will just make it a whole lot better (there arent many women in the world that can do that and it is a good feeling to know that you can bring that out in a woman)<br>If you are not sure how to fake it and not let him know then kegals are an excellent way to fool any man (that is how we really know if you are faking it or not)<br>Do you know what Kegals are? I am sure you do but incase you dont, Kegal excersizes are what you do to tone your PC muscle, it is the same muscle you use to stop urine flow when you pee. <br>Doing Kegals the same time you visually and audiobly express your climax can easily fool any man into believing it is the real thing <br>Sorry guys if i gave away the secret <p>I am sorry if this post has been too graphic for many people,unfortuneatly, i couldnt think of another way to describe the experience and the actions my lover done to help me.<br>i am not sure if they will allow it to be posted but if it is then i hope you can get something good out of it.<p>One other thing, reassuring him, telling him that you love him for what he is, and being ok to make mistakes, in my personal opinion wouldnt be the best idea.<br>He may already think he is no good and by saying that stuff he might think you have already formed your own opinions about his performance and will only make it worse.<p>Mark