I have been married for 13 years with three (3) children born to our union. I am in the military stationed overseas and recently was faced with being apart from my wife and kids for an extended time due to marital problems and unforseen military problems. During this time away from my wife, we started having disagreements over the phone which turned to harsh word being thrown at each other. Since it did not seem like my wife wanted to work out our problems, I suggested a divorce. Being in the military overseas, you cannot get a divorce. Well, my wife as since filed for divorce on the grounds of "extreme and repeated mental cruelty". By being in the military, I am protected by the Soldier's and Sailors Act, which means nothing will take place until I return to the US. I recently returned to visit my kids and to work on my marriage and was served with the divorce summons. Since I leaving to go back overseas,I will be requesting a Stay of Proceedings until I can come back and settle the issue. Problem is that my wife expressed that she is just afraid of the verbal things that I can say to her to hurt her. Things have been very good between us lately, but she is afraid to go back overseas with me. After reading Dr. Harley's 3 Negotiating Stages, I feel that my wife is in the Withdrawal stage. I was in the Withdrawal stage, but now looking to get back to the Intimacy stage. I also feel that her lawyers have influenced her tremendously in preparing the summons for divorce. It mentions nothing about visitation rights which my wife said that would be in effect. In fact, if you read the summons, it sounds as if I was to agree with everything it says, I would forfeit ALL rights to my kids. So the place that I am at is to be a GIVER towards my wife needs and not even allow myself to go into the Conflict or Withdrawal stage. I would like any suggestions on dealing with my situation. <p>[This message has been edited by wildere (edited 11-05-98).]

wildere,
<p>Since you are reading Dr. Harley's book(s) now and seem to be getting a better understanding of your situation, why not make a present of a few of his books to your wife - along with a carefully-worded letter expressing your continued love for her and your desire to resolve the issues that have arisen during your duty overseas?
<p>Attending to her needs for conversation and affection from afar can be difficult, I'm sure, but if your were to write (or continue to write) to her, expressing your love for her and how being separated from her is affecting your life as well might help fill this need.
<p>Keep communicating, and make sure that if you send her the books, that you explain that they will help you understand each other (as well as herself) better. Everytime I pick up a book about marriage, my wife thinks I'm going to start telling her what SHE's doing wrong. I try to tell her that I'm reading to find out why I'm so good at driving her crazy!
<p>Val