I have been married to my second husband for a year now. I have three kids, ages 13,12,and 8 from my first marriage. Their dad was killed in an auto accident 7 years ago, so the only father figure they have right now is my husband. He is only 28 years old and this is his first marriage. We don't have a child together, and we won't have since I had my tubes tied about 4 years ago (I dont want anymore anyway). My husband openly (to me) doesn't care for my kids. He rarely interacts with them. He would just as soon stay away from them. I'm not really sure why he feels this way towards them. They are not bad kids...but they ARE kids! He has told me that he will probable never be close to them. But that was one reason why I decided to get married, so to have a "father figure" for my kids. He says it is only his love for me that keeps him here. He stresses over them all the time. Maybe it's an attention issue. I feel pulled in both directions because they both need me. I just wish he would give them half a chance....they NEED it!

Donna,<p>I'm sorry, but what kind of a father figure can he possibly be? Kids need a lot of things, the most important of which is love. I don't doubt for a second that you love them, but to have someone who doesn't love them in their lives can only lead to disaster. Surely he knew you had children before marrying you. It's a shame he kept that from you. To build a marriage on that kind of deceit is unforgivable. Hopefully, he can learn to love them and be the father figure all kids need, but until then only emotional harm can come to them, and maybe much worse than not having a father at all. These may not be the words you wanted to hear, but for the sake of your kids, communicate to him your feelings(surely you agree with what I'm saying), and seek some sort of professional help, quickly. But I have to say, a mother who loves them alone is far better than a couple who doesn't love them together. Think, Pray, Talk, Grow, & Learn. We all must do these things for the sake of mental health and happiness.<p>Good Luck,<p>John

John,<br>I agree with you whole-heartedly. I have talked to him about how I feel about it. All he says is that he will probably never be close to them. I believe he is either afraid to get close (his father left him and his mother when he was 10) or he just plain doesn't love me enough. I thought that if he really loved me, he would love my kids, because they are mine. I was in a similar relationship with a man who had a daughter who drove me up a wall! But I loved her because she was HIS! When you love someone, you are supposed to love everything about them, aren't you? He knew what he was getting into because he lived with me for several months before we got married. I hope you're right, and he will learn to love them. It is damaging to them, I agree. They want and need a father figure so badly. I really feel for them. It may come down to choosing between them, though I hope not. Thanks for your support John.

I disagree that falling in love with a mate requires one to fall in love with the children, as well; there is no natural paternal bond there, and one is no more likely to happen to like or be compatible with these kids than with any other. Some people are just not particularly into kids. Is she receptive when he offers input? This marriage can work if the limitations of the arrangement are accepted and acceptable. Did she have ulterior motives for marrying him (other than for love of him, i.e. to recruit a "father")? Perhaps he feels he's being pressured to fulfill a role which, in choosing to bond with her, he didn't bargain for. They will presumably be together after the kids are grown and gone. If love between him and the kids evolves, fine, but it cannot be called up on cue and I maintain that it's not mandatory.