My boyfriend of four years has full custody of his two middle-schoolers. Complicated factors (abandonment by<br> the mother, a disfiguring accident involving the girl, a protracted period during which he didn't date) has<br> resulted in an unusual degree of closeness (even enmeshment) among them. This has made our relationship<br> exceedingly difficult for me. Because our child-rearing philosophies differ markedly (he's very lenient, I'm<br> authoritative), we decided early on that marriage/blending would be too problematic and that it would be best to<br> leave things as they are for now. However, I feel increasingly left out and even pushed aside by the intimacy the<br> three of them share. Although he claims to love and respect me, any suggestions or opinions I offer (even my<br> feelings, it seems to me) are dismissed as those of one who "doesn't understand kids." I'm continually told that<br> the kids (discipline, etc.) are his concern alone and that I'm being hypersensitive, but this sense of exclusion<br> hurts and angers me to the point that I very much resent the kids (they're constantly competing with me for his<br> attention - and winning) and every little thing sets me off; the tension is taking a toll on our relationship, and I<br> fear we won't survive if we can't reach some resolution on this issue. Help!!! <br>

Step - You did not tell us the age of the children, but there are several factors that you must consider.<p>I met a my wife 14 years ago. She had a 13 year daugther, who from the first minute she met me challenged me. For over one year she would talk to her Mom and says: "Shall I tell HIM. . . " "HE said. . ."<p>I felt the daughter was going everything to get between us. For 11 years her mom was both mother and father to her, (her dad has never been seen or heard of since the divorce, not even his parents, her abused both the child and mother).<p>Suddenly, I was coming between her and her mother, I was taking time away from the two of them, I was the intruder. (Even though she was now in jr. high and had friends that she spent time with, over their homes and on the phone -- always on the phone.)<p>I made it a point of NOT getting between them, they were a team. I NEVER disciplined her. I was there to PROTECT her from getting hurt, but not to discipline her.<p>You can only discipline if you become the parent or adopt.<p>Be patient. Within two years, her daughter went from calling me HIM and OLD MAN to DAD.<br>Two weeks ago I walked her down the eisle and she selected "Unforgettable" (by Nat King Cole & Nataalie Cole) for us to dance to.<p>Two good books to read, one for you and one for him are:<br>Letters to Karen, and <br>Letters to Philip<br>by Charles W Shedd.

Thanks for responding; a 13-year-old stepdaughter! You really DID have it rough! I don't discipline (or even correct) the kids, but I do make my views known when it's something that really bothers me, and he makes it clear it's none of my business (which makes me feel like keeping them happy matters more to him than keeping me sane or keeping our love alive). He prefers to raise them alone and they are a very tight unit, spending virtually all of their time together (I feel I get leftovers). I'm just having a very hard time with feeling excluded and resentful when the kids do manipulate him to keep him close/us apart (don't they all, in this situation??) and jealous of the special bond they share. I know they'll eventually separate from him (surely!), but don't know how to deal with my hurt feelings and resentment in the meantime and afraid they'll be no love left between us when that day comes at the rate we're going...<br>