This forum is for negotiating, right? Well I need some serious advice about negotiating whether or not to have children. How do you negotiate that? I've been married two and a half years and while I'm not ready NOW to have children, I'd like to someday. My husband, on the other hand, DOES NOT want children. We are deeply in love and want to come to a solution but our goals are so contradicting! Our counselor tells us many couples decide to divorce over this issue and that's not what we want. We don't want to be without each other, but we don't want to give up our dreams. We both feel very strongly about our side. Has anyone else gone through this? How do you come to a resolution?<P>------------------<BR>

young wife:<P>This is a serious issue that can lead to divorce---you would think that you would have discussed it before marriage.<P>People change. I wasn't ready for kids when I was 20. When my wife and I were 29, we discussed this issue (we were married): I said I'd be ready in 5 years, and she said 2 years. Well, next month she was pregnant... and everything was fine.<P>I'd talk it over with your husband, continuing to brainstorm and use the policy of joint agreement. Why doesn't he want children? What goals of his are incompatible? What are the chances that he'll change? And are you willing to wait 5-10 years for him to reconsider, and divorce him if he doesn't. Or live without children?<P>It's tough. Remember, don't use selfish demands in negotiation. Try to see his side of the argument. Try to get him to see your side. Try to come up with solutions that you can both live with.<P>I wish I had a magic answer for this---it's hard.

Thanks. I know there's no magic answer but a big part of me wants someone to find it for me anyway. We did talk about this before we were married but we decided we wanted to be with each other anyway. I kind of said I'd rather have him with no children than someone else with children. I didn't realize how important it was to me. Now it's coming out and we wonder why we didn't deal with it then. <P>My profile says we're having problems and things are looking bad but the last few months have really been wonderful. We had doubts about our marriage but we've grown together lately and we know we don't want to divorce over this or any other issue.<P>He says he never should've gotten married because he knew he never wanted kids. He thinks they'll take away from his happiness and his time with me and his freedom. He says they are a burden he doesn't want to deal with. He wants to spend his money on more classic cars--as many as he can get, instead of on children. Everytime we try to talk about the issue he practically has anxiety attacks. The thought of having a child makes him so depressed.<P>People divorce for serious reasons. This is a serious issue but how much sense does it make to get a divorce when you are so in love?

Youngwife,<P>I was like you husband in that I didn't want children either. You would have thought we would have come to an agreement before we married 21 years ago but we didn't. I was 22 and my wife was 21 when we married. Well we have two kids today and actually will be emty nesters in just 4 short years. So yes he might change his mind. In fact I was lobbying for a third child when my wife had to say NO because the second pregnancy was so difficult.<P>Your husband needs to understand that love is the weirdest thing. The more you give it away the more you have to give. I love my wife passionately and I would die for my kids. This from a guy who was selfish and not very affectionate when I was young. Your H sounds alot like me when I was 22 - selfish. As he matures and mostly as he sees how important having children is to you he should shift a little. Parenting is the single most frightening and exhilerating part of life. <P>My wife and I now look forward to the freedom that empty nesting will give us. We also suffer from pangs of remorse over how soon the kids will be gone. <P>Advice - don't nag and only hang around friends and relatives with well behaved kids.

Dear Young Wife:<BR>This is such a hard situation because neither person can really be “wrong”. Both of your point of views are valid. The unfortunate thing is you absolutely have to have your husband’s 100% support in order to have a family together, and it seems he was upfront about not wanting children before you married. You agreed to these terms and now want to change the “contract”. Many times people think they can change a person’s mind over time, and this is where they get burned. Often when a person makes a statement about children, they’re not fooling around. On the other hand, it’s understandable that people’s wants and needs change over time, and this seems to be your case – and maybe your husband will come around in time. In the meantime, however, your husband still feels strongly about his position – and since he was honest about this before you married, it wouldn’t really be fair to nag or push him into doing something he just doesn’t want to do. I have to disagree with Mudder – not wanting children doesn’t make one selfish. There’s nothing wrong with not wanting children. What’s wrong is when people are forced to have them because they think it’s what society dictates or is just simply the next logical step in the grand scheme of things. Children need to be wanted and welcomed wholeheartedly. Even though you’ve reached a stalemate for now, it’s good that you guys are talking openly about this, because the minute you stop communicating, the walls go up – and it can only go down from there. Keep on communicating the good and the bad through all of this, and encourage your husband to explore his fears about children. A lot of men and even women have the same fears – they worry about being able to support a family economically, about their freedom, the cramp in their lifestyle. These are normal fears! But take Mudder’s advice and hang around with people who have children. See if your husband even likes children and take it from there. If he doesn’t come around in time, you’ll know if the statement you made before you got married (that you’d rather have him with no children than someone else with children) still rings true in your heart. Good luck!

Spotlight,<P>I never said that not wanting children means a person is selfish. I did say that selfishness was a reason I didn't want children. I also stated that it appeared to be a factor with youngwife's H because of the reasons her H gave for not wanting to have kids. Wanting to have as many classic cars as possible sounds a little self indulgent to me. Just MHO!

Mudder,<BR>You were right about my husband being selfish. He feels like the world has always been against him and nothing ever goes his way. Now that he's an adult and can make his own decisions he tries to do what he can to fill his life with things he thinks will make life better. Having a child threatens that freedom. <P>Thank you for your post. I hope we end up in your situation down the road and HE'S pushing for more children. I do wonder how you and your wife came to the decision to have the two children you did. Was the first one unplanned or did you decide you wanted children? Sometimes I think my H will change his mind when he's more settled but I'm afraid to depend on that. He says he'd definately stay with me and make the best of it if it were to happen accidentally but I'd rather we plan it together.<P>I know I just have to ignore the pain and see what happens-but it's hard. It hurts me to think of us never having a family. Nobody can give me an answer but it helps just to hear how other's lives have turned out. It helps me feel better to talk about it with you guys. Thanks.

Youngwife,<P>I don't remember actually saying ok lets have kids. It was more of an acquiescence. I could defintely tell when she was trying to have kids because sexual activity was stepped up considerably by her. My only regret is that we got pregnant so quickly. I would have liked to have kept "trying" for a longer period of time(wink). <P>You should be looking for signs of him softening on the issue. I was glad to hear him say he would make the best of it if it happened. That is a good sign. He is not threatening you with abandonment. I looked at your profile and see that you guys are pretty young. We had our first when I was 25 and W was 24 and we had kids plenty young. My sister has had 5 and she didn't start till she was 30. So take a breath. In all likelyhood you won't be having more then a couple of kids so you have time.<P>I also noticed in your profile that you two have been having some problems. I would recommend you spend this time working with your H to improve how you two meet each others needs and communicate before pushing further on the issue of kids. Read some of Dr Harley's books together. Enjoy this time of just the two of you. Your H is right about one thing. Children will change your life and your freedom. For the health of your marriage and the emotional health of your future children waiting for you and your H to grow a little is best right now.<P>All the best!

Young Wife,<BR>hey I can relate. When I was only 19 years old and my H was 20 we started dating. It was nothing serious, we became best friends. After a while it turned into love. We had not talked about family or kids up to this point. when we did it was a little difficult,(not as hard as your situation though). I had definite plans that I wanted to happen in my life. by the time I was 21 or 22 I wanted to have atleast 1 child. I looked forward to a large family and involved husband. Well my boy friend (whom I had fallen in love with) had different plans. He didn't see himself having children until he was in his 30'S at least 10 years down the road. I didn't put a lot of energy into fretting. We dated for 3 years and when I was 22,and H 23, we got married. We contiued to be Married with out children for 3 more years. We finally had a baby when I was 25. I did not pressure my H. His wants, needs, and views just changed over time. It was not all peaches and cream from that point though. My H had issues that cropped up. He was very stressed out about the future. College and other finacial needs. It took time for him to enjoy being a dad. <BR>there is a saying I think it goes something like this: The best laid plans of mice and men are left asunder. basically it means people can have a plan for there life and have it worked out to the very last detail, but it does not mean that it will come true. The future is not known. All the "plans" your husband has now may be just a memory to him in the years to come. I would not count on that, but I do know that as we age and mature our views, and life goals also grow. He may just have a change of attitude in time. <BR>If he does not you will have to be prepaired for that too. It is a very difficult issue. Eg: I know I want more children and if my H said he did not want any more I would be devestated. I would probably have to go through a time of mourning. Because knowing my dream would never come to be fulfilled would make me very sad. <BR>You may have sadness simmilar to that. I hope it does not lead you to resent your husband. It is easy to go that direction. I hope you will make a conscience effort, if you see your self starting to resent, to stop it emediatly. It only leads to unhappiness.<BR>My best wishes are with you.<P>------------------<BR>Infatuation is a "feeling"<BR>True Love is a "choice"<P>