Help. I just read the example of Greg and Sally about control and dependancy. Early in our marriage (7 years ago) I felt controlled because I had been beaten physically and emotionally by my ex-husband and also emotionally abused by my step father. My new husband (Richard) "saved" me in a way from my ex-husband. Early on I felt saved and later after about 2 years, felt controlled by him both financially and emotionally. At first, I gave and supplied every need (I like to say that I DOTED over him). He seemed to give to me too, but with a controlling, arrogant undertone that I began to resent. Finally, we went for counseling. It got better and now I feel independant and more in control of my life and my identity. Then, he had a one-night stand and cheated on me. I forgave him and off we went to counseling AGAIN. I'm still recovering from that 3 years ago. Now, HE feels I control him and he has no identity. Our personalities are very different. He is a debater, confrontational and direct and I am not direct, I hide my emotions, I dont' like to confront and I hate to debate or when others debate around me. Lately I DO DEBATE or fight with him over EVERYTHING. I fight to get "my way" till I'm blue in the face and he just gives up. I win the fight, but I loose the battle because then he has resentment toward me. Can anyone help me understand WHY I fight like that and how to stop this nonsense? Also, your JOINT AGREEMENT theory doesn't work with us. If I agree with HIS solution, then its' not a good solution. He wants to go with his decision only if I totally DISAGREE with it. What's up with that? HELP! I'm also completely frustrated and ready to leave the marriage and don't understand why I look at him and dont' like him. <P><p>[This message has been edited by Ladel (edited September 05, 2000).]

Sounds to me like you are fighting as to not lose the upperhand in your life again.Is that about right? It seems like a normal reaction to me.You do not want the table to turn on you again.I also had an abusive stepfather[ mentally and physically].I understand how it feels to be manipulated w/mind games and emotions.I will never understand the way men think,I'll leave that up to god.Ask God to protect you from that ever happening to you again and let go.I went to a ladies retreat in ark. last year,I returned a new woman.God showed me I was not the same woman I was before he saved me.I had to start seeing myself as he does.He sees the child he created,not the sinner the world created.He knows us each by name.We were created for his pleasure in the beginning,and god dont make mistakes.Godbless you,Tee

I am also going through this. I was not really abused by a boyfriend but I saw my mother get abused many times by men and my step father now is controlling. He does not hit her or say mean things per say. But he is controlling. She does whatever he wants whenever he wants. I guess I just made up my mind to NOT be that way and stand for what I WANT. This is ruining my marriage now. We have been together for 7 years and married for 4.5 years. We have three kids also. I know that I love him but I just want things my way. He enjoys drinking ever night after work but I do not. I grew up with that all of the my life and I do not want my kids to see this and I do not want to go through that again. He is not abusive but he just does not seem to be there when he drinks. He also enjoys going out and playing cards with a couple of friends about 3 times a week. I feel this is a lot and I said that I do not understand why he wants to go out that much. I think once is okay to hang out with the boys. Am I totally unreasonable? Do I just say go ahead and see if he sees how much that bothers me. My family never showed much affection when I was growing up so I tend to not return it to my husband at times and that really bothers him because he was not raised that way. He is a good man but I guess I am frustrated because I do not know what to do. We are talking divorce because we cannot get along and negotiate. He is also hanging out with a friend that is just recently divorced for cheating on his wife. That kind of bothers me because he is always going to the bar and my husband will also go along with him. I have to beg him not to go because I feel that the bar is not a place for a married man to be. I know I am being selfish and I do not want to feel this way anymore. I need some advice before I really break down. I am trying to be strong for my children but it is hard. Please help.<P>

I believe that if someone is going to cheat it does not have to be at a bar.Try to give him a reason to stay home other than the kids.I also was not shown affection as a child,I know where your at.Luckily my husbands family does,and they kinda helped me out of my shell.Showing affection puts people like us at risk of getting hurt.Practice hugging even when it feels strange.It will help.I also have topics posted on this site,so I do have problems of my own.Its easier to help someone when you're on the outside looking in.We should all probably take some of our own advice.Your situation is like deja-vu for me it sounds just like me in our first two years together.He would come home w/beer and I instantly thought he was going to turn into an alcoholic,because of my past experiences w/my mothers husbands.Give him some time to show you that you can trust him.When he sees that your not begging him to stay and its really not a big deal,it probably wont be a big deal for him either.My husband still drinks but only if he mows the grass or something like that.I took the issue out of it so to speak.Remind him why he fell in love w/you in the first place.And you do the same.Do you go to church anywhere? That honestly is the way to a stable marriage.Knowing Jesus and having an everyday relationship with him,gets me thru all that comes my way.Having a church family to turn to helps a great deal also.Knowing how much he loves me,enough to hang on a cross for my sins.WOW!!! Made me feel really awful when I could not get over some little thing like my past.To god we have no past once we lay it all at his feet and walk away from it FOR GOOD!!!If you would like info on that womens seminar that i spoke of,let me know.Godbless you and I will send one up for you,Tee. My topic is"at a stand off",maybe you should reply there instead of here ladel may not appreciate us for using her space.

Myself and my partner (we don't live together though) are in a similar position, except I'm the one that is direct and confrontational, he used to be nonconfrontational, but now I have modified my behaviour so I am more considerate, and trying hard to be not so controlling, and it seems like the more I change, the more he becomes like I was!<P>He used to hate it when we fought, and I am sure blamed me a lot of the time, but now if I have a problem, I state it calmly using "I feel..." statements, definately not attacking, yet he reacts defensively and away we go!!<P>This is quite bewildering, and I don't have a clue as to how to change any of these patterns we have created...<P>Who knows?