hi. i am new here. i just need to find some answers if it is possible. brief? history...<BR>i have been with my h for 25 yrs. we have 3 kids who are out on their own. my basic personality is that of a giver and my h is that of a taker. although i always thought if i gave enough he would eventually reciprocate. my thoughts and ideas once our children moved differ greatly from my h. since we were so young when we started out..most of out activity time included our children, although my h did have outside interests that he persued. i didnt get to if it meant he needed to take care of the kids alone. so i figured, once the kids were old enough to basically fend for themselves with just minimal supervision, i would be able to persue interests. no. so then i figured, once the kids were driving and/or moved out, i would be able to persue interests. no. <BR>i have tried to get my h involved in different activities that we could do together, but they aren't of interest to him, so i have asked him to suggest interests. he basically is interested in staying home and renting movies,periodically going out for chinese food; in the summer, going out for a boat ride every weekend, sometimes camping. that is fine with me also, but...i would like to add more to it. i am a fairly social person and i like being around other couples and groups of people. i have also found that i love karaoke. i dont want to go so i can drink, i just want to go sing and have a good time with a group of friends. i would also love to be able to go out dancing or take dance lessons, meet up with people for festivals, go listen to live bands..there is a multitude of adventures out there to experience. my h gets upset about me wanting to do these things and he doesnt want to join me although he is invited. i would like to be able to join in with my friends and say 'sure we'll be there' on the spur of the moment type situation but i cant. i actually need to let my h know a coupple weeks in advance if something is being planned so he can get used to the idea of me going or something? i dont know. he refuses to get to know my coworkers, although he always expected me to automatically join into any of his employment gatherings or to involve myself with his outside friends..if he had decided we would attend such functions...and this i did because i enjoy meeting new people and i enjoy being with people. he has said to me in the last couple weeks that if i continue to want to be so social and he finds he can't deal with it anymore, he will just leave. i almost feel like that was an ultimatum...like i needed to make a choice between him and things i enjoy doing. he doesnt seem to want to compromise and i dont know if there is a way for me to get him to. if i drop all of my friends and things i enjoy doing i know i will have resentments because it wont be that he met me 1/2 way on anything. it will only be only what he wants and my desires will go by the wayside. that isnt a partnership in my eyes.<BR>any help?

Dear whatodo2,<P>You and your H have a difference of style. Introversion versus extroversion. Neither preference is good, or bad. They are simply alternate ways of dealing with the persons interface to the world. It is one of the five biggies in Harley's incompatibility checklist for dating couples. Not insurmountable, but tricky to learn to navigate without bad feelings.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>whatodo2 original posted:<P><B>he has said to me in the last couple weeks that if i continue to want to be so social and he finds he can't deal with it anymore, he will just leave. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Men, in general, LOVE to be taken at their word. <P>My H has said the exact same thing. I am fine with it. He feels much more relaxed knowing he isn't caged in with a bunch of people he doesn't necessarily care to be with. The sense of freedom in giving him permission to escape has actually allowed him to remain even longer at social events than he probably would have had he felt pressured to conform to my style.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>i almost feel like that was an ultimatum...like i needed to make a choice between him and things i enjoy doing. he doesnt seem to want to compromise and i dont know if there is a way for me to get him to.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <P>Dr. Harley would say that this kind of "compromise" that you are envisioning is a "zero sum game" and should be avoided by married couples at all costs. <P>Example and definition: <P>He gives up what he wants so I can have what I want, this time. (+1w - 1h = 0; W = +1)<P>Next time, I give up what I want so he can have what he wants. (+1h - 1w = 0; H = +1)<P>Now we are even. (+1w - 1w +1h - 1h = 0)<P><BR>See how nobody wins?<P>The Policy of Joint Agreement is designed to avoid that result and the negative impact such negotiations inevitably have on your relationship. Always work towards a win-win situation in every case. Not a win-lose compromise.<P>In the social engagement arena, why not go ahead and put everything on his calendar ahead of time so he can psyche himself up? You may feel like you are giving up a lot of more spontaneous opportunities in this if you "can't" go unless it was calendared two weeks ahead, but maybe overall you will have more events you can do together!<P>Why not give him your enthusiastic permission to leave a party if he wants to for any reason at all? What fun is it to keep your eye on your party-pooper all night?<P>Negotiate so that you can get what is important to you, and he can get what is important to him. <P><BR>Hope this helps!<P>Love, <P>Karenna<P>NOTE:<BR>If you click on the Radio button at the top of this page you will find some archived older interviews by Dr. Harley where he explains this stuff really well. You can listen while you surf and post.<BR><P>------------------<BR>A true friend is one who not only is willing to love us the way we are, but is able to leave us better than he found us.

oh...i think you misunderstood me. i never expect my h to come with me to any event unless he feels like it. he is always welcome and invited but never forced to come and he usually doesn't come with me. what he said was that he would leave me..the marriage..if he felt he couldnt deal with it anymore..that is what i was feeling the ultimatum about. so what i felt was that in order to keep my marriage intact, i would need to stop being social. as for the spontaniousness of going out..it isn't like this happens alot in my life, once-2x mo if that..but that is difficult for him to not get angry about. i tried talking with him about this the other day again. he get upset if i find new interests of anykind. he feels he kind of gets used to one thing and then there i am again adding something else. i have an interest in alot of things that i would like to learn about but he only sees them as one more thing that is going to take me away, instead of it being a good thing that i want to expand my education, etc..instead of thinking about possibly joining me or even venturing to an interest he might like to develope together. i told him i didnt know what to think of him throwing in the towel because from my stand point it didnt feel like he has even thought of considering a different point of view and maybe trying something other than what he is used to and comfortable in. change is inevitable in all parts of life and we need to learn how to adapt. i asked him why he could adapt with the times and with changes at work...he said it was because he had to in order to get ahead and to be able to work with people instead of against them. then i asked him why he felt marriage was different situation.. he said it was because he feels it is home and his comfort zone and where he can relax and not have to be dealing with anything. i told him i was feeling like his comfort zone was turning into my rut.<BR>well...i am just going to keep going on and working at it and try to keep happiness in the picture

A hard-core non-self-improver?<P>You might both benefit from some understanding of what your differences are all about. He married a social person, and now is trying to change you into his footstool for relaxing on. Not a healthy plan!<P>Have you read Please Understand Me or Type Talk? Go to <A HREF="http://www.personalitytype.com" TARGET=_blank>www.personalitytype.com</A> for a start.<p>[This message has been edited by Karenna (edited October 26, 2000).]