My husband and I have been married for almost 7 months now and to date we still don't have a joint account. A month after we got married he asked me to close my accounts because he was going to be adding me to his accounts, seven months later not only do I not have accounts of my own I don't have joint accounts with my husband either. My payroll check gets direct deposited to an account that is under his name only. He told me three months ago that he would be adding me to this account and to this date he hasn't done that. Every time I mention this issue tp him. He asks me why am I so worried about it. "It's not like I'm going to run off with your money". I tell him it's not about me not trusting him with my money, it's about us being a whole, me feeling as if I am a part of his life. He doesn't understand where I'm coming from. He makes 10 times more money than I do. He thinks that because he is the provider in the house, he should be aloud to manage my money also. He makes comments about him paying my credit card debts and being in charge of all the financial aspects of the household, therefore I shouldn't worry about my name not being added to any of his accounts let alone his property. <P>I feel as though I have given him plenty of time to take care of the bank accounts and hasn't. Therefore, I have decided to open a checking account of my own with a payroll check I've been saving for a month now. I will then switch my direct deposit to my own account. I will inform him of what I have done after I take care of it all.<P>Please advise me. Do you think I am doing the right thing here?<P>Marcy<P>

Ah, money. Such an unsavory topic. You have a lot more going on here than just finances. Your H is exercising control in a most disturbing way. The first thing that comes to mind is an even more unsavory topic. Given your current circumstances, your situation would be nothing short of disastrous if he died unexpectedly. You would have no access to the accounts. If he died without a will, you might have to wait until his affairs are settled through probate to gain access. Then what you would have access to would be whatever your state defines as the "pecking order" of how things are divided. My widowed MIL died without a will, and my H had to post a huge bond just to be the executor. It was a nightmare. <P>Your more immediate red flag is the issue of trust within your marriage. Your H indicated he would add your name to the account. His failure to do so is damaging your ability to trust him. His actions do not have your own best interests at heart. If he has things that he brought into the marriage that he wants to keep in his own name, fine. If he posessed savings prior to the marriage that he wants in an account under his own name, fine. Denying you access to the household budget funds is NOT fine. If the duties for paying bills, balancing the checkbook, etc. are things he wants to do, consider yourself blessed (as long as he doesn't bounce checks and let the lights go out!). On the other hand, if he is deliberately withholding access to the household budget from you because he wants to control you, I'll be extremely worried about your safety and well being. <P>If he becomes angry with you for getting your own account, consider it a huge indicator of something seriously wrong. Possibly it's just an oversight and he has no ill intent. In either case, I suggest that you not give up your own account until you fully understand what's behind his actions. He needs to be honest with you and you need to trust each other. Without those two things, your marriage will be an empty shell. <P>

The key word is TRUST. I always feel as though he doesn't trust me but then again he doesn't trust anyone. He always feels like everyone is out to get him. I having a feeling that he thinks I married him for what he has, which is not the case at all. I don't like to think this way but I do. He is a very insecurity makes him feel that way. My H is a very way he is able to have control over me is money wise. How is that, you might ask? Well, to start of, all I get a month is $400 a month ($200 on the 15th & $200 @ the end of the month) for lunch money or whatever I may need. It's never enough for me. When I run out of money, he always asks me how did I spend my money. Therefore, I basically have to give him a break down on where it went. I ask him why does he always need to know everything. His response is "I can figure out how you spent all your money already". I try to tell him to stop trying to control how I spend my money. He thinks that's not the case. I will continue on Monday. Please reply.

I have trust and honesty problems in my own marriage, so I'm at a bit of a loss on how to offer you help here. What I can tell you is what a huge mistake it is to cave in to his demands thinking it's the right thing to do or that it will make him or you happy. <P>I've been reading Boundaries in Marriage and applying them in my own marriage (needed them about 13 years ago). First, boundaries need to be set in a loving way (yuk, puke, let me LB!). I fall into LBs alot even though I know better. <P>If I were in your shoes I'd say, first, that you consider it important to have access to a bank account. If he's not willing to share one with you, try as best you can to respect that (if you have a frying pan in your hand, conceal it at all costs). What's important is to state your need and for him to respect it. Don't take no for an answer. <P>The next issue is him counting every penny of yours. Again, this appears to be a control issue and a lack of trust. If he's willing to let you examine all the activity in his accounts, then by all means let him scrutinize yours. If he wants to keep his affairs secret, you need to find out why. That may be very difficult. <P>It's a great opportunity to bring out innermost thoughts, sharing vulnerabilities, and creating intimacy. Some of the reasons behind his actions may be painful ones. You'll need to let him know that it's safe for him to share these secrets, fears, or whatever's behind these disturbing actions of his. If you want to get a book that will help, get Boundaries in Marriage. Or start with reading through the humongous thread about this book in the woman's bible study group.

Yesterday, I asked my H about him taking care of adding me to the account where my direct deposit goes too. His response was "I'll see if I have time". He never seems to have the time to take care of it. So, yesterday I decided to go to the bank. I open a sav/checking with an insurance check I received for a minor accident I had. I haven't told him about it yet. Since I am upset with him for another reason (see the conflict section). I know he is going to be very upset when I tell him. Because when I told him if he didn't take care of the account situation this week I was going to cancel the direct deposit. His response was "If you do that, you'll see what's going to happen". That's what convinced me right away to just do it. I guess we'll see what happens.<P><BR>

_<p>[This message has been edited by LLL (edited November 20, 2000).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>when I told him if he didn't take care of the account situation this week I was going to cancel the direct deposit. His response was "If you do that, you'll see what's going to happen". That's what convinced me right away to just do it. I guess we'll see what happens.<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Marcy, I am so concerned about you. Even if the threat is an idle one, his response is most worrisome. He doesn't trust you, and he's giving you reasons not to trust him. He's told you repeatedly that you would be added to the account. His actions don't match his words. <P>What I hear his actions saying is one or possibly both of the following: 1) he's deliberately lying and has no intention of adding you to the account; and/or 2) honoring his word is less important than 15 minutes of his time. Sometimes I think I see things upside down and sideways, so maybe you'll think I'm overreacting. But I think anyone here at MB would agree that there's a lack of trust happening here. <P>Without trust your marriage will deteriorate even more. That's easy to say, of course. My H withholds his innermost thoughts from me, I guess because I've made the mistake of pouncing on his sensitivities in the past and he doesn't feel safe confiding in me. You owe it to your marriage to set boundaries so that unacceptable behaviors are "kept outside the fence." <P>I can't tell you how to accomplish the task unfortunately, but I can offer some suggestions. Do you think lack of time is really the reason he hasn't added you to the account? (I don't) See if you can find out what the real reason is. Be firm about having access to a bank account and even firmer about him being honest with you about this. Tell him access to an account is important to you and list five reasons why. Tell him it's important that you can depend on him (to follow through with his promises). Tell him it's important for you to feel safe with him and his threats frighten you. And don't let go of your own account until the two of you can enthusiastically agree on how your finances will be handled. HTH<P>

I have tried so on several occasion to talk to him in a civilized manner. I don't get upset. I ask him questions as to why he hasn't added me to anything. At this point I don't want to be add to anything. He thinks because he provides me with everything I need including a 5500 sq ft house that I shouldn't have anything to complain about. He says "you should appreciate what you have. You should be happy you don't live in a s**t hole (meaning my mom's hous)." The house wasn't my choice. He bought it before we got engaged. His favorite line is "Ah poor thing, your so deprived". I tell him that's not the point to the issue. I tell him he doesn't make me feel as though I'm his wife. I don't know anything about our finances and if there are pass codes to anything I don't even know those. I'm lucky I have the privilege to know the pass code to the alarm system. We have a computer with our own login, well he assigned my login pass code. But I'm not allowed know his. This is how bad my situation is and his stubborness doesn't help us either. I don't give up that easy. But right now I feel as though it might be the best thing to do. I don't know how much of this I can take.

Have you tried shifting the focus away from money? It sounds like you value a certain degree of independence. He needs to respect that. If he brought 99% of the assets to the marriage, he may feel justified in handling his affairs according to his preference. <P>There must be some middle ground where you can start sharing some vulnerabilities and building up trust. Maybe revisiting the reasons you two got married. If you wanted a nice house and he wanted a cook and a maid, you've got a fairly empty framework on a shaky foundation. Start from ground zero and see if you can't find some solid ground you can both share.

Money is not the issue here. It's a build up of many different things. I will do my best to do what I can to resolve them. I will keep you posted on what happens. Thank you so much for your input. I appreciate it.<P>Marcy

Since we hadn't been talking for the past 3 days, I wasn't able to tell him I open the accounts & switched my direct deposit. Well, I finally told him this morning over the phone. At first he thought I was joking. He had to call me back at work 3 times to confirm that I was telling him the truth and to tell me he couldn't believe what I did. When I told him I was serious about it. He got upset. He asked "How could you do this to me? "I told you I would be adding you to the account this week." "You went against me." He felt as though I disrespected him. I told him "what about how I feel" "I waited patiently for 7 months and nothing happened". I told him I wanted to feel independent. I was tired of asking him for money or ask him if I could use the credit card. He said "I guess it won't be not necessary for me to add you to my account anymore". I asked him why not? He said because of how I handle it. I mentioned that by me having a ck acct I won't have to ask him for permission to use the credit card anymore. He said (and I quote him) "If you were a guy I would say you have some balls to do what you did". He asked me to think about what I wanted to do about this situation so when I get home we can talk about it. I don't think there is anything to think about. I want to give this a try and see how it works out. He was trying to make me feel guilty about the whole thing.<P>What do you think guys?

Here are my suggestions. I won't be offended in the least if you discard them. You're still a newlywed and I primarily want to encourage your efforts to tackle this problem. <P>Ok, you told him you would be opening your own account and switching the direct deposit if you weren't added to his account by x date. Right? You have done exactly what you said you would do. That shows that you will follow through with what you say. Tell him it's a type of behavior that's important to you. Then tell him it's something you'd like to see in him. You waited seven months for him to follow through. Tell him the bank account isn't the important thing to you. Tell him you're concerned about your future because you fear that he doesn't trust you to be on the account with him. Try to find out why he's reluctant to have you on the account. If he hits a nerve or makes you angry, don't pounce on him. Let it soak in and listen very carefully to what he's saying. It'll open the pathway to further communication. Good luck marcy!

I have asked him about his trust towards me in the past. He says that is not true. <P>I will do everything I can to get this straighten out when I get home tonigt. I want us to move forward with our lifes. <P>I feel really good about myself (stronger) and how I've been handling myself this past week. <P>Thank you.

I hope it goes well Marcy. Anytime actions don't match up with words, I believe the actions every time. His words say he trusts you. His actions don't. That makes it even more important for your actions to match your words. You stated a desire and a deadline. You followed through. You're being loving and showing concern for your future together. Make it safe for him to reveal whatever it is that makes him uncomfortable in adding you to the account. We want a full report afterwards!

Well, it didn't go to well this weekend. He thinks I went behind his back to open my accounts. These were his words "you stepped over me" "you went against me" "my trust for you is gone" "you went against what we agreed on" "if you wouldn't have done this, everything would be perfect". He just went on and on about how I disprepected him. By the way, his solution to this problem is for me to close my accounts and he will then add me to the checking acct which he was originally going to add me too. He did plan on adding me to the ck acct because we received the paper work in the mail on Friday. I then told him, if he can have his own savings account then I wanted to keep my own sav acct too. I told him I would keep my $400 a month spending money plus $600 a month toward my savings the rest would go to him to pay the bills. His response was "what are you afraid of" "I provide you with everything you need". I told him how important it was for me to feel independent and to not have to ask him for money every time I need it. By me having my own sav. I would feel better about myself. He said every time I ask him for something he never says no. So I shouln't be afraid. I told him to give me a good reason why is ok for him to have his own accounts and I'm not allowed. He got silent. He didn't have an answer. His answer was if this is how I want it. Then from now on I will be paying $1,000 rent, pay my own bills, cell phone, car payment, health insurance and he will never buy anything for me again or pay my bills. I told him I would move out of the house before I give him $1,000 for rent. He said "then move back to your mom's cockroach infested place". (Which is not true, he doesn't even know what a roach looks like) That really hurt my feelings. He asked me why am I still around? I told him I didn't know. He asked me what is it that I want from him? He said "tell me maybe I can give it to you". I told him I didn't want anything from him. Yesterday, he asked me if we get divorced how much would I want from him. I told him it's not about the money, it's about his behavior. I am starting to believe that he thinks all I want is his money, which is not the case. I told him I don't care about his money. I don't want anything that he had before we got married. I don't care to be put on his accounts. All I wanted was to be put on the one checking and for me to have my own sav. Well that's not good enough for him. Last night he asked me who knew about our issued. I told him no one. He kept asking me is different ways if I had told my best friend about it. I said I didn't tell anyone. He is probably to embarressed to have anyone find out how he's been acting. <P>I don't know how much longer this is going to last. All I know is that I am not closing my accounts until he comes up with a fare solution. Otherwise, in his eyes this will be grounds for a divorce. I will probably be better off, who knows what he will come up with next. <p>[This message has been edited by marcy (edited November 13, 2000).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>"you stepped over me" "you went against me" "my trust for you is gone" "you went against what we agreed on" <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Sorry, I'm a little confused. Those were his words to you? I thought that's how you were feeling about him? <P>I know it's hard to get at the real issues sometimes. The description of your conversation revolves around bank accounts. The underlying issue is trust. When you said there's nothing you want from him, that may be true in terms of money, but it was answer that held back some of the details. There IS something you want from him. You want his confidence. You held back something that perhaps you find difficult to say. Sounds like he's doing the same thing. Try it again Marcy. And remember, no angry outbursts, no love busters.

Marcy, instead of playing games with him give your position to him straight. <P>What you wanted from the start is complete sharing and disclosure of both of your finances. Niether of you should have separate accounts. All the marriages I can think of where the couple had seperate accounts were full of arguing, at least one spouse commited adultery and most of them have ended in divorce. Marriages without complete trust in the financial area are doomed. <P>Tell him that it is nothing personal, it has nothing to do with trusting him or distrusting him. You have a perception of what marriage is about and that perception includes complete sharing. He can call it a cinderella syndrome if he likes but it is what you expected when you married him. It is what you need in order to feel that you really are married and not just a housekeeper and whore. <P>Set your boundaries at what you want, not some half baked compromise which has resulted from playing games. <P>

You are probably wondering if we resolved the account issue. I don't think we have but we haven't talked about it much. We had a little discussion on the topic over dinner 2 days ago. I told him if he wanted me to close my accounts he would have to add me to his sav & checking. By the look he gave me I don't think he liked the idea. I told him it makes me very uncomfortable to ask him to do that because I don't really care to have anything he earned before we got married, that was one of the reasons why I went ahead and opened my own accounts. I told him I want him to trust me the way I trust him. I want to prove to him that I can handle having my own accounts and just because the accounts are under my name doesn't mean that the money is only my, it's much his as it is my. I told him my intensions weren't to go against him or hurt him in anyway. If anything, it hurts me to know he doesn't have the same trust for me to include me in his finances, but thats ok. I told him I love him very much and I want us to grow old together. <P>Yesterday, he made a comment "your direct deposit kicks in tomorrow, doesn't it?" I said "yes" and that was it. Maybe he decided to finally accept it and move forward. (I don't know) All I know is that I am happy with myself on how I handle myself with this situation. Thank you for helping me get through this.

Hi Marcy. It's good that you stood your ground. But do you consider this matter resolved? Sounds like you still don't know the underlying reason for his reluctance to have a joint account with you. <P>The sticking point that I see is the seven months of him saying he'd add you to the account and then didn't. If he's worried about mishandling of funds if you're both on the account, you'll have plenty of opportunities in the coming months to handle your own account responsibly. You'll also have opportunities to state things you plan on doing, and then DO them (like you did in opening your own account after you said you would). It's an important point to drive home. Maybe after a while he'll realize that he can count on you doing what you say you will do. Maybe, just maybe, he'll realize the importance of doing the same for you. Thanks for the update marcy. I wish for all the best for you.

You are right. I think part of the issue has been resolved. What hasn't been resolve is that I still don't know why we can't have joint accounts. For now I won't insist on being part of his finances. Maybe someday he will offer to add me to the accts on his own (without me having to ask). <P>When he got home last night, I had dinner ready for him. He was very happy I cooked for him. He said my behavior the past couple days deserve an A+. I told him this is how it can be all the time, if he would just make an effort to get along with me and stop fight, we can be very happy together.