This is my first posting.<P>My wife and I have separated. There have been so many severe problems that it brought us to this. Between my depression/reclusiveness/problems with anger and her boredom at home and her bar hopping every night, we have become strangers. Now, I trust her completely and I don't think she has ever messed around. We just don't have anything in common anymore.<P>She is at the point now where she has said things to me like:<P>1) I don't feel anything<BR>2) I love you, but not the way you want me to.<BR>3) You should get on with your life and see other people.<BR>4) You make me nervous.<BR>5) I can't go through another one of your misery episodes.<P><BR>We are now separated. I am renting out a spare bedroom from a friend while she still lives at home. She is not working right now, and I still am paying all the bills. It's been a month now since I gave her space.<P>For my depression, I've gone to get treatment and continue to do so on a regular basis. I'm doing this for myself, not for our marriage. On the other hand, my wife is not seeking work and just bar hops every night with her friends. I trust her and do not think she is messing around. She is not getting any counselling, but only drinks more and more as each day goes by. I know she is going through a lot. Her sister rdied of cancer and year ago and her parent have moved out of the state. se must feel really alone.<P>I scared that I may have lost her. I know that she needs time and space apart from me, but <BR>she is in need of help. It pains me because I love her so much and do not want a divorce.<P>I'm hoping my changes will inspire her to get some help, but she won't reach out to anyone. I want our marriage to come back together so much, but she doesn't want me in the same house with her.<P>This thing could take months. Unfortunately, my salary is not enough to keep paying all the bills. The money is going to run out in about a month and checks will start bouncing unless payments get delayed. At this rate, she would have to return to some kind of work or we will have to sell the house.<P>I always talk to her in a soft voice and never argue, no matter what insult she hurls at me. I send her flowers on a regular basis along with cards and letters, all to no avail. I can't get any response from her.<P>How long is thing going to take? She built up an emotional wall around her, but she has not filed any divorce papers. Everything is in limbo. I used to cry all the time after the breakup. I still do, but not as often. The pain is still there, and I love her so much. Unfortunately, the past problems keep getting in the way because she thinks I'm doomed to repeat them. I know this is not the case. I am willing to wait and let her see the changes, but every day we are living apart feels like we are moving further and further away from getting together. God, Please help me.

I truly feel for you. I'm new to this site, so I don't claim to know much, but it sounds to me like you're doing all you can. Maybe the more you show her you care, like the flowers & cards, the wall she built around her will begin to crumble. I know it seems like it's taking forever, but be patient. If she's not willing to change it may be more difficult to get through to her. Just be persistent. It seems positive that she hasn't yet file for divorce.<P>Good luck!

My thread continues under "How do I get back in the house?" in the Negotiating in Marriage forum. I hope you can take something away from my situation and apply it to your own. I've mostly continued posting in the hopes others will benefit from this.<P>Keep in touch....Warewolf

I am in the same boat that you are. Maybe not as bad, but it sure feels like it. My wife and I are still living together but I have been sleeping on the couch for the past month or so. She says that her heart is not in the marriage anymore. It also seems that she can't even stand being in the same room as I am. That really hurts! We have been together for 4 1/2 years and been married since December. It seems everything started to go downhill after we got married. I have tried a lot of the same things you have, sending flowers, writing poems, and writing letters. They have little if no effect. She has a new guy friend that she is getting close to because he treats her the way she wants to be treated, but she won't even give me the slightest chance to prove that I can do better. She says that they are just friends, and I believe her, however she says that it could easily become more.<P>I am at a loss as to what I should do just like you are. I am just telling you that you are not alone. And just like you, she hasn't filed for a divorce yet either. Even when I get frustrated and tell to go ahead and leave me, she still stays. I guess we should just hang in there. Good luck to you.

Thanks falcondh,<P>Under the thread "How do I get Back in the House?", you'll notice that I have gone ahead and filed for divorce myself. It was not an easy thing to do, but I had to protect myself. Besides, she needed a bit of a reality check. Maybe she'll want to work on this marriage, which is my wish. If not, then she leaves me no other choice but to move on. Living like this for too long is like a coal that is removed from a fire. It slowly cools and dies. I have a son and I cannot let that happen to me, otherwise he will suffer.<P>Continue to try your best. I have gone through every painful emotion I can imagine. However, I am now a better person for it. Perhaps this was God's way of telling me to wake up before it is too late. You will be in my prayers.<P>I hope things work out for you