Please help.....me and my husband have been seperated for almost 4 months now. We seperated becasue he got physically abusive one day, and I left and asked him to go to seek help. I told him once he did I would come back home with the kids. <P>During our separation, I would continue to be fulfill his sexual needs. I guess I wasn't pleasing him enough. Becasue I found out yesterday that he has been having an affair with a young girl she is 20 yrs old and he is 30.<P>The part that I cant understand is that he brought her into our home....he had sex with her in our bed, on our couches, and in our car. I am totally lost for words and really dont know which way to turn. I am so hurt I feel like I want to die. I have never felt this way about anything. It feels like he took my heart out and ran over it with a lawnmower. I just feel numb. I didnt even sleep at all last night. I just need some advice from anyone. <P>I found this all out becasue I spoke to the girl, and then I just started asking questions to my husband, regarding different issues, and he confessed. He doesnt know that I talked to her at all....but is it a good thing that he confessed????? I dont want to go back to that house we own together.....I dont want to ride in his car either. <P>My husband is trying to blame me for his actions becasue he feels as if I have been cheating on him, since we weren't having sex on a regular basis. I didn't have the desire to make love to him much, after he was violent with me.<P>He claims he used a condom, but in the same sentence he says it wasnt planned. How can he use a condom in our house (we didn't use them) if it wasnt planned. Sounds like it was planned to me.<P>The biggest problem I face is that he won't go to seek help. He says if I come back home we can talk about it. I want him to agree and get the appointment before I come back (that is if I go back) that way it will show me that he is willing to make our marriage work. I have known him for half of my life, and I don't really want to toss 14 yrs away. <P>Please send comments and advice.....I need some help and for the religious people, PRAY FOR ME!!!

Wow, I'm so sorry that you have to go through all of that.<BR>My first response or action, I would have told him to leave, why should it be you leaving? He did you wrong twice in my book. First with the violent temper and now with cheating on you behind your back.<BR>Your right, I would definitely think he did't use protection either and he is just saying that to you to make you feel more at ease.<P>Please don't ever say you think about ending it. Your life is precious, you shouldn't think about taking your life because some one you love betrayed you. He is in the wrong and shouldn't have thought the way he did, about him thinking you were doing it behind his back. Men do tend to make a lot of assumptions rather than asking. Same with women to at times. <P>Please seek God, and put your trust in him and stay close to God. I think may be you should go to a Christian Counselor by yourself at first and eventually try to get him to go. If he wants this marriage to work and repair the hurt and rebuild the trust back up with you he will want to go to counseling with you. If wants to work things out he must cut all ties with this other women. If he doesn't, then may be you should separate from one another until things are better. I really truly believe in this saying "If you let something go and if it comes back then it is meant to be" Sometimes you have to take your heart out of the situation and look at it from the outside...<P>1) He's obviously abusive to you, no woman deserves that kind of treatment there are other ways of resolving conflict. There is no excuse for it.<BR>2) He doesn't communicate well to you<BR>3) He's had an affair with someone and had them in your house even.<P>You sound like a really great, loving, caring and compassionate woman and you deserve better than that. Who knows why things happen to certain people, but you can learn from them and kick the dust off your feet and try to move on and pick up the pieces.<P>As for some bible verus that might help you out in your situation, here are some:<BR>James 4:8<BR>"Come near to God and he will come near to you"<P>James 4:10<BR>"Humble yourselves before the Lord and he will lift you up"<P>I really hope what I said helped, I will lift you up in my prayers. Please seek God in prayer and ask him to help you through this difficult time. Most of all pray for your husband that he changes his ways and wants to seek help.<P>No one is worth taking your life for, except for God. Jesus loves you and will lift you up if you turn to him.<P>I will pray for you, please tell me post updates. I will do some other research and see if I can come across some more. I hope what I said helped.

Nana,<BR>Sorry to hear your story. Your heart must be bleeding now from all the physical & emotional abuses that your husband has done on you. I will remember you in my prayer.<P>Be strong. Your kids need you.<P>As for your H, at this time , I don't think you can force him to go for counselling now. He may still enjoying going out with the OW. To make himself feel better, he is blaming his unfaithfulness onto you. The more you force him, the more he hates you. I know this is unfair, but it's true. This happened to me before and my ex-boyfriend blamed all the things on me and he eventually picked the OW. He said that he couldn't stand me anymore. But he didn't understand I just wanted him to come back to me.<P>Remember the only one who can change your H is God. If it is God's will, God will bring your H back to you. If it is not His will, God will heal your wound & will give you all the strength to overcome the sadness. Trust in HIM. <BR>

Dear Nana-<BR>Your H is trying to put all the responsibility on you for his actions. You have the right to feel hurt, confused and any other feelings you have.<BR>I've been married for 8 years and was almost ready to leave because my H because he is a verbal abuser. A confrontation came up where i finally told him if he was not willing to change his behavior I was leaving. I never said that before and so far it seems to have scared him straight. But i am still not letting down my guard. I read many books and what it comes down to is that men who are abusive only respect you when limits are placed on them. However, when you set a limit you have to stick to your guns or else they don't take you seriously. In my opinion your H was trying to make a statement by taking this girl to your house and being with her there. I think he is very insecure and wanted to hurt you. Believe me when he was physically abusive to you I'm sure he apologized perfusely and said it would never happen again and made a number of excuses. People who are abusive CAN CONTROL their behavior. Because, if someone else was in the room such as a person from work, family member or friend I doubt that he would have hit you. He would have then CONTROLLED HIMSELF. I recommend that you educate yourself about abuse and seek counseling for yourself. I also pray nightly for guidance and strength. Good luck