Okay, I am lost and do not know where to turn for answers.. I have read a very small number of the thousands of posts on this board. Yet not 2 problems are exactly the same. So here is what I am seeking.
I am currently in the military stationed over seas. My wife and I have been apart a little over 3 months and I get a phone call about 5 days ago telling me that she wanted a divorce. This news was to say the least the most painful words I have ever heard. My first instinct was panic, I was trying to say anything and everything to get her to change her mind on the spot, to try and get her to see that this was not the answer. Over the next few days we have talked alot "though her mind has not changed what she wants" but I have grown to understand where this is comming from.
From the very start of our relationship I lied to her on a regular basis about things that were really dumb things to lie about. Over the course of the next 5 years I lied about more and more serious things and never realized what I was doing to not only her but to our marriage. Now after 5 years of me telling lies, emotionaly abuseive arguments , and my wife telling me that she has not been happy for the better part of that 5 years we have been married. I find that I painted myself in to a corner with no way out. She tells me that she will never beable to trust me again due to the fact that I have told so many lies and just destroyed any trust she had left for me.
I personaly have no clue what to do. I love my wife more than anything else in the world. And I am willing to do what ever it takes for however long it takes to fix my problems and the problems that I have caused in our marriage. But I have no clue where to start.
Please help me figure out where to start.

you r in a tough situation. nothing destroys love like lies. and there is just no easy way to get over them and if there has been many...well, that will make it harder.....does your wife know about ths site? is she anywhere near intereted in saving your marriage or is she in total withdrawal now?
are here any children involved? affairs?

I would like to belive that somewhere in her heart she wants to save the marriage. As for children we have 2 boys. And their has been no affairs on either side.
I was going to ask if I should try and get her on the forum as well.

hi.
my first thought is if there have not been any affairs it is possible she could come around. you should introduce her to the marriage builders site and concepts....try posting on the emotional needs board....many insightful people there who i think would be a big help to you. wish i had more....good luck,and i personally think that if she knew you were looking at a site like this it would help you more than you would ever imagine.

Sarge,

I don't usually check this board, but I hope you're still reading it from time to time. I'd like to discuss some of the special issues that military spouses have and offer my own perspective on it. I don't know how much you've been home during your five year marriage or how demanding your work schedule has been. But it's very easy for the spouse to feel abandoned, unappreciated, and overburdened if there's a history of deployments. As a military wife myself, I can tell you that we often feel like you guys run around the world like overgrown G.I. Joes, having all the fun while we deal with vehicle breakdowns, children, bills, etc. I'm former active duty myself, and I know that reality is a bit different than that for you. Post a bit more information on what your situation has been during your marriage and perhaps I can at least tell you my perspective on it.

As for the lying, complete honesty is a must from this point. It's going to take a long time to rebuild your credibility. And you guys may not know this, but the family support groups and military wives social circles talk about a lot more than you might realize. Being honest isn't easy, but it's necessary.

Semper Gumby!

Dobie

You sound heart broken.
What did you lie about?
Have you heard about radical honesty?
Tell your wife to come to this sight. Not for you but for her.

Aly

Hello, I read your post, and was concerned for you. I was in a situation where my husband told me he wanted a D. Out of the blue it seemed to me, but it happened. We have since been encountered, and are continuing to relearn how a married couple should be...it hasn't been an easy road, but things can and will get better.

I think your best start is give her some space...just a little...try not to chase her right now. During this time you can focus on what you need to do, honestly, really think about what you need to do to change your actions that may have been hurting her. It may be so obvious to you right now, but she's been hurt, and that will take time to heal her feelings...baby steps...

One more thing, as for your problem...with lies...I found this exerpt from this site, which may help...I wish my husband would let me into his house, but I know that time is all that matters, he needs to feel secure enough with me that he can fully trust me to me completely honest. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> When given the chance, just don't keep ANY secrets, tell her everything, and I mean everything...we want to know what's going on with, and sorry to say our assumptions can really get into the way that we may be seeing things....anyways.....here is that exerpt out of the "why women leave men" article.....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> A Man's House
I use a house as an illustration to help husbands understand how their wives feel. Each room in the house represents one of the husband's roles in life. There is a room for his job as a production manager, there is another for golf, another for his new sports car, one for his garden, one for his children, one for church, and, yes, one for his wife.

As he makes his way through an average day, he visits various rooms when he is faced with the role the room defines. And when he's in a certain room, the others are blocked out of his mind so that he can focus his undivided attention on the role he plays at the time. He does his best when he's not faced with distractions, and prefers to deal with each problem with all his energy and creativity so that he does the best he can in each role he plays.

The wives of most men are only one of many rooms in this imaginary house. It represents the "husband" role. When they are in that room, they usually try to give their wives undivided attention and make a special effort to meet their needs. They also go to that room to have their own needs met, particularly the need for sex.

What frustrates wives most is that they are relegated to only one room in their husbands' imaginary house instead of every room. In other words, they want to be integrated into a man's entire life, not relegated to one corner. Without such integration, there can be no emotional bonding, no uniting of the spirit, no feeling of intimacy and, in many cases, no sex.

To help husbands learn to avoid this unpleasant outcome, I have tried to show them how to become and stay emotionally connected to their wives by inviting them into each room of their house. They learn to become more than the role of "husband" to their wives. They learn to integrate their wives into every aspect of their lives.

When I counsel a husband, I explain that he is to invite his wife into each room of his house. Regardless of his role or responsibility, his wife should be considered in each decision he makes. Once the invitation is made, the results are startling!

When a husband invites his wife into each room of his house, she helps change his priorities. She reminds him that her feelings are very different from his. As a result, he begins to live his life in a way that is compatible to her needs and values.

He learns how to avoid habits that cause his wife to be unhappy, and he learns how to meet her most important emotional needs. He also learn how to give his undivided attention to her and schedule time to be alone with her.
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