Here goes....
I am a soldier who was called to war at possibly the worst time for me to go anywhere without my wife. She was at the same time called up. We are now half a world apart which sets the stage for our very difficult situation.
We got married last Nov. after having lived together for about a year and a half. The conditions of our relationship were never ideal as I had many military obligations and so did she during that time. We quickly planned a wedding in a month due to the upcoming war. We always loved eachother but we did fight about this and that. After reading the Basic Concepts I now realize that she was avoiding being a "complainer" and I didn't help with arguing her to my side whenever she did say something. It was over all not a safe place for either of us to communicate.
Anyway, since we got married almost six months ago we've been able to spend a whopping 21 days together. Things deteriorated, but I had no idea how much until recently.
Right before the war kicked off I buried myself in preparation for the worst my job had to offer. She felt abandoned and I resented her for not being more supportive. I left for my mobilization station and she left for her unit. We had several phone conversations that went poorly for the same reasons as before right before I flew to the Middle East. The last one, she said, was the turning point. In it, she asked me what I would do if we weren't together anymore. I assumed that she meant after we had tried everything and responded that I would be devistated but I would move on with my career goals (Special Forces) but very unhappy. She wanted to hear that I would fight for our relationship and that she was the first priority in my life. She was devistated by my incorrect answer and thought of suicide. Well, a fellow soldier, also separated from his girlfriend, comforted her and talked to her. In the meantime I had no way of communicating with my wife for maybe two weeks. During this time the other man and her became lovers. Later after a few letters from her that were worded in such a way to make me suspicious but at the same time feeling guilty for doubting her, I confronted her about it. She admitted her guilt. My first reaction was one of self-blame for having been so selfish and insensitive during our relationship.
She took this and ran with it as justification. I asked her to stop seeing this man, who she was still hanging out with. She said she couldn't, that they did everything almost every day together. Every activity that she enjoyed doing she did with him and that furthermore I wasn't aloud to tell her who her friends could be. Finally, I was becoming so upset about our situation that I asked her to meet me at our home state (neutral ground?). My chain of command became involved to grant my leave which comes into play later. Unfortunately, only days before she was supposed to leave, I called her to ask if hers was approved. She wasn't there so I asked her supervisor, who responded "what leave?". I explained the importance of the leave being granted for her. He responded by chewing her out in their commanders office for not keeping them informed about her marriage problems and instructed her to take leave to fix it. Now she labeled me a pushy controlling person and bought the plane ticket with much anger. I explained my side of it which she said she understood but it turns out later she kept that resentment. This cursed our week of trying to work it out from the beginning. Everything fell apart immediately and she left early. Her plan: she needed time apart to grow as an individual, she was going back to her unit, finishing her deployment, then giving herself more time by moving out of our house and in with her ex-roommate in another state. I was instructed to follow my goals which would take about 2 years of training. Then, and only then, would we see where we stood. She left all photos and letters she had had with her at her unit on our dresser. She was going to leave her ring too, but I asked her to take it with even if she wasn't going to wear it. Her stated status of our marriage upon leaving: null and void. She returned to her unit and I returned to the desert. Now, up until the cat was let out of the bag, she continually wrote me telling me she missed me and to stay out of the way of the bullets and that she wanted me home. She said she loved me. After that though, she became increaingly distant and wanting to exert less and less effort. She has now slipped into Withdrawal and will do nothing that might help our relationship. Also, evidence points to her seeing this other soldier seriously now. I want to continue to work on this but don't want to push her away further. How do I Negotiate with someone that doesn't want to? She's not interested in doing anything. This huge attitude shift happened within the last month. However, this is my plan so far and tell me what you think: she still accepts my calls and we can talk as long as its not about us. So, I was going to call and chat, then request a time when we would have the time to talk about making both of us happy in this unhappy situation (Policy of Joint Agreement), stating that it seems she still at least cares for me as a friend even if she doesn't love me anymore. If she agrees, I will suggest the Ground Rules, make it clear that I don't expect to solve everything at one time, and then proceed with understanding eachother's perspectives and doing my best to be respectful and not angry or pushy. I know that in one Q&A the advice was given not to give in without enthusiastically agreeing, however, under the circumstances I was considering offering my backing off during her deployment if she would consider not moving out of our house and giving it a second chance. NOW, here's the interesting twist: My chain of command is contacting hers and getting this other soldier transferred and possibly prosecuted for crimes during a state of war (in the Army, adultery is a serious crime and it is doubly so if it's with the spouse of a soldier serving in war). This may happen within a week or so. I of course protested that this incident will be blamed on me and it could destroy my marriage for good. The Army, however feels it must punish the guilty regardless. When this thing goes off, she will really resent me even though I didn't commit the crime or condone the punishment.
1- Do you think the negotiation plan is good?
2- What do I do if she wants no part of it?
3- How do I deal with her anger when her lover is yanked away from her? Should I just break contact for awhile? Should I try to explain/defend myself as not having instigated his punishment?
4- How do I fulfill her Emotional Needs from many thousands of miles away?
I am a soldier serving my country and am willing to give my life, but I don't want to lose the most important thing in my life doing it if I can prevent it. I love her more than anything. I am still clinging to this small thread of hope and keeping my Taker at bay while trying to be forgiving and understanding. Not arguing my side is hard but I'm learning a lot from this site and feel I'm making a lot of progress. I'm employing my Giver a lot but I'm exhausted. I even told her I would give up my dream to go SF if that's what it took and that's a huge sacrifice for me. I read all the Q&As but none of them were trying to recover an unfaithful marriage from around the world. My only tools are emails and occasional phone calls.
Any help at all is appreciated.

Thanks

<small>[ June 01, 2003, 01:09 AM: Message edited by: Desert Wolf ]</small>

Desertwolf

You're in a tough spot. It must be extremely frustrating to deal with this while deployed. However, it's not impossible.

My H is AF special ops. We were seperated last summer for 5/6 months while he made plans to divorce me and marry his ow. I was in the States and he was overseas. We are now 6 months into recovery.

I'm still new at this and suggest that you repost this on either the "Just found out page" or the "General Questions II" page. This page isn't going to get many hits and you may not get many responses to your post. Also the weekends tend to be a little slow.

I suggest reading some of the posts on General Questions II as many people have links to old posts that deal with rebuilding with a reluctant partner. Good luck, God bless, and please do duck!!!!

Marykat

Dear Desert Wolf,

I used to think that fidelity was automatic if love was real. After 28 years of marriage, I believe fidelity needs to be managed.

Your plan of negotiating that she does not move out of your home, is certaily a good goal, but I would suggest other goals as more important.

One of the needs that many women have is being listended to. Your communication should be to get information so you can ask her questions that show you are interested in her feelings. That you admire her.

Power is a aphrodesiac. If she becomes angry with you becasue of your power, I suggest that it might pass, and reveal a stronger attraction. The Army tries to save marriages.

Your emphasis on your incorrect answers to her questions seems misplaced. Your love should be surrounding her as a force field. Words should not cloud the force of your feelings of love. Sometimes it is better not to give answers to some questions, simply reply, "You may be surprised at the various shapes that my love takes."

Put your interest out there in your E-mails and your phone calls. Negotiating does not seem like the right apporach right now. Simply express interest, which is the application of love. Planning to get together again may be a negotiation worth working toward.

You said things went wrong at your last meeting, but what could you have done to allow her to feel she could take more time?

One way to express your feelings about the other man is to express the concept that the relationship with him has gotten out of hand, and you are asking her to cool it down. But this sounds a little lame.

Just keep getting guys transferred until she ends up with you. Do not be afraid of her anger, there is a smile waiting for you after the tirade.

How about, "Please forgive my jealousy because I really love you." Do not be ashamed,or hesitant, to push other men away from the woman whom the Supreme Being has given you.

Give interest, patiently expect love.

And a Big Thanks for serving the Country.

Quipper

Dear Desert Wolf,

You expressed regret at being insensitive when you were preparing for an assignment, Iraq, and your wife felt neglected.

Partners are often not good at letting their partner know what they need. Women sometimes do not let their husbands know what they need.

My view of a husband's role in marriage is that the husband should do the easy things that the wife requests. If your wife needed more attention, she should have let you know. You should now look back, to see what signals she gave you, and what you missed. Maybe you did not miss anything, and she failed to let you know she was feeling neglected.

So my idea is that if things have gone wrong, to re-double your effort. So now try to listen to see what she might wish you to do for her. Try to do those things for here which are manabveble for you.

How can you make deposits to your account in her love bank?

While jealousy can be overdone, and your wife may express anger at your actions, or blame you for the actions of others trying to help your marriage; My read is that your wife's anger at your jealousy is not something to back away from, nor even apoligise for it. Ask for forgiveness, but don't appologize. Don't back away from pushing other men away who seem likely to betray your trust.

I rode a horse into a farm yard with a bull and some cattle in the distance. I dismounted, and was walking around, when I saw the bull's eyes light up, and and he started toward me. I started to get back on the horse. It was diffiicult to mount the horse because the horse saw the bull coming and was starting to take off. I had to mount the horse as the horse was starting to run. The bull was exercising jealosy. One wife says her husband has a Rooster act, and I imagine that is guarding the hen house. Jealousy is natural, and within proper bounds, keeps love going.

Best wishes,

Quipper

Dear Desert Wolf,

See that you Posted this story under Just Found Out in the Infidelity Section, and that there are other replys there.

Good Luck,

Quipper,
Still Struggling in Marriage after 28 Years