I don't know where to start...mmm... John and I were together for 5 years before we decided to get married, so we both discussed and agreed on having children. We have been married for 2years now and he doesn't want to have children at all. Every time when I try to start up the conversation about having children he just says "I don't want any." So I ask why. He says children cost to much and we would never be able to do anything we want to do. I have expressed over and over to him how it is my dream to have children and how it would be worth wild to have them. And now he is telling me as soon as he turns 25 he is getting a vasectomy, which will be in January. I love him with all my heart, but I want to have children. What should I do?
wild_merch@yahoo.com

Dear AK,

Welcome to Marriage builders.

It is unlikely that one answer to one post will provide a solution to your dilemma. I will try to raise some questions for you, but most likely you will have to post further replys, and get a thread going, to develop a satisfactory solution.

POJA is the poicy of joint agreement. This is a handy concept for evaluating a disagreement. Who has the burden of getting the agreement? Is it you, the wife, who expects support from H, for children?

About the Vascectomy, since your H wants that, is it his obligation to get your agreement before proceeding? Having a vascectomy, in the past, meant that there is a 25% chance of not being able to hook the tubes back up, if reversal is desired.

Certainly H has the power to get a Vascectomy. You have the power to get pregnant from a sperm bank or many other resources. You both have the power to get what each of you says they want.

You do not mention any compromises. What would fulfill your desire for mothering children, without taking on the monetary responsibility of raising children?

I once fell in love with a woman, when I was young, and I thought she would make a wonderful mother, and I was not as careful as I could have been, and she became pregnant. She decided she wanted to wait a while to have children, and opted for an abortion. I felt hurt, but I believed that that was her choice. We broke up a little later, and later for children never came for us, or for her. She decided not to have children in her subsequest relationships, and now is too old, I suppose. Perhaps the reason this comes to mind, is to illustrate that different people have different ideas on having children.

Have you prepared a budget? Do you have savings now? Are there relatives who would be willing to help if your marriage gets rough after having children? Any great expectations? Do you feel that you would like to assist your chidren through college?

You say you have talked about your desires to H. What have you offered to H in exchange for children? What more could you offer? Do you plan to work after having children? Is ther anything that you are doing to increase your earning power?

Negotiations can be: I will do this for you, if you will do this for me.

Many women posting on MB have the opinion that they are providing their husbands more than what their husbands could possibly desire in the bedroom. But when I ask, how about this? or how about that? they come up short, blocked, like I could never do that, or certainly you don't expect ...?

What is it that your husband wants to do that takes money? What can you do to enhance your kitchen and your bedroom, so that your husband has no desire to go anywhere but home?

What about a compromise on raising foster care children? Have you taken the Foster Care training? What about working as a nanny for rich people's children? If your husband is depending on your money for his luxury cruise vacations, why not take a pay cut, and work more with kids?

Is there someone whom your husband is listening to? Where are his friends coming from? Does he have good friends with children? What does he say about them? Do you have any pets?

Basically, women have more of a maternal instinct than men. I cannot conclude that your husband is entirely evil, although it seems he did sandbag you. Do you feel he deliberately snookered you? What threats have you made to your husband? What powers of retribution are you wiling to exercise against H? Are your feelings of betrayal leading you to do less, and he is feeling less like trusting you with children, and there is a downward sprial going at this time?

I am working on my wife to make a better atmosphere in the house, particularly the bedroom.

Give us some more particulars of your situation, so we can be more specific.

Is H willing to hold off the Vascectomy until after the next Marriage Builder's weekend in the spring?

Best wishes,

Quipper
Married 28 years, 2 grown children, still struggling

<small>[ October 08, 2003, 08:50 AM: Message edited by: Quipper ]</small>

Hi, I am sorry to hear about your situation
did he and you discuss this before marriage?
did he say he wanted children? or not.

If he led you to beleive you would have a family
then this is defrauding you..and depriving you of your becoming a mother.

normally people do get married to have children.
to be fruitful and multiply...and he might just be a real celf centered person and selfish and
doesn't want to share you with anyone..not even an animal.

I would go talk to a minister about this I am wondering if there is something else behind this.

do you make love often now? IF not find out why he got married? because if he isn't fullfilling
his marital duties to you, then something else is going on other then having babies..
you have a bigger issue on your hands..

it could be he is hiding something from you or else he is a very selfish man..one you might find isn't capable of love..

I will pray God gives you wisdom..

I know someone this happened with, he turned out to be gay, and avoided his wife like she had a disease..she got an annulment they were catholic.
but she was devastated and so hurt by it she still has not remarried nor dating.

so please find out the real reason is..how is he
around children have you observed him around babies and todlers and 4 -7 year olds?
do you have a neice or nephew to borrow to see how he would interact..maybe he might see he would like children after being around them..

being expensive ...why I still wonder did he not say something before marriage...
I will be praying for you both...
EarthAngel <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />