My boyfriend of four years has full custody of his two middle-schoolers. Complicated factors (abandonment by the mother, a disfiguring accident involving the girl, a protracted period during which he didn't date) has resulted in an unusual degree of closeness (even enmeshment) among them. This has made our relationship exceedingly difficult for me. Because our child-rearing philosophies differ markedly (he's very lenient, I'm authoritative), we decided early on that marriage/blending would be too problematic and that it would be best to leave things as they are for now. However, I feel increasingly left out and even pushed aside by the intimacy the three of them share. Although he claims to love and respect me, any suggestions or opinions I offer (even my feelings, it seems to me) are dismissed as those of one who "doesn't understand kids." I'm continually told that the kids (discipline, etc.) are his concern alone and that I'm being hypersensitive, but this sense of exclusion hurts and angers me to the point that I very much resent the kids (they're constantly competing with me for his attention - and winning) and every little thing sets me off; the tension is taking a toll on our relationship, and I fear we won't survive if we can't reach some resolution on this issue. Help!!!

First of all it's not easy being a single parent. I know...I have 2 of my own ages 3 and 1. It's hard when you have issues and obviously your boyfriend does. He has to deal with the fact that the mother of these children didn't care enough for them to stay in their lives. Then he has to deal with making his daughter feel even more loved and acceptable with her disfigurement. So him being close to his kids is understandable. <br>If you have found each other and love each other and if you truly love his kids you shouldn't be feeling the way you do. You're boyfriend is a package deal. <p>The only way these kids are going to love and respect you is if you treat them with alot of love and understanding as well. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be a good disciplinarian but you have to remember when to praise, award and show much love and affection too.<p>When your boyfriend tells you that you don't understand because you never had kids don't be offended. He's simply telling you the truth. It's like trying to explain childbirth...if you've never did it how could you know or sympathize? Childrearing is an experience that you can share together but ask yourself why are you feeling negatively towards these kids? Do you not want them around? If so then you would be no better a mother than the biological one that left them. At least she acknowledge she couldn't raise them. If you intend on doing that make sure that resentment doesn't turn into mental abuse which is what i see alot of when single parents hook up with people who are childless.<p>I think you should evaluate what's going on in this relationship. It could just be that you are jealous. You really shouldn't be but if that's the case then you should go for counseling to deal with these negative issues.<p>Remember, these children are innocent. They didn't ask to be born and they didn't ask not to be wanted. The greatest gift you could give them is showing them not only that you love their father but love them too!<p>Good Luck.

I'm beginning to think, from the tone of the responses, that I didn't make one aspect of this situation clear: I am jealous, and believe I have every reason to be. One of the many issues with which the boyfriend is dealing is (unwarranted) guilt; as a result, he overcompensates (not uncommon in single parents) by devoting literally ALL of his time and attention and the children (we don't go out, and I become invisible when they're around). As smart children will, they have learned to milk this for all its worth. My needs are less important than their whims and wishes and are routinely neglected so that the children may be indulged (and they are not so "innocent" as to be oblivious to this reality). Yes, they are important, and I'm in no way suggesting that their needs be neglected, but maintain that other people's needs are no less important; this relationship is important. Is it not considered good practice to devote time and attention to the marriage in a "normal" family? Why is this different?? It is decidedly UNhelpful, in my view, to give such kids the sense that they are the center of the universe; they will one day learn otherwise, and it will come as a shock!! It's all very sad, I agree, but is everyone so besotted with pity for these kids that there is no support for my position??

Step,<br>Put your anger aside for a moment and listen to yourself.<br>You sound like an angry child. <p>I can empathize with your feelings, because I do not have children. And have on several occasions opted out of starting relationships with single fathers because of the complications involved. <br>You obviously care for this man, but do not let this become some popularity contest between you and these little girls, with you in the role of "Wicked Stepmother." You cannot win.<p><br>As far as I recall, this forum is here to offer a listening ear and some sound Christian advice. But what do you expect us (strangers to your life) to say? "Yeah, those brats should be carted off to boarding school or Grandma so that you can get your needs fulfilled?" <p>Just stop for a moment and ask yourself, <br>1)what could HE do to make the situation better for you?<br>A send the children away<br>B ignore their 'silly' whims<br>c get a babysitter and take you out <p>2)what could those girls do to make the situation better for you?<br>A disappear from the face of the earth<br>B ask to go live somewhere else<br>C ignore their father whenever you're around<p><br>Unfortunately, you only have the power to change yourself, so the real question is: what could YOU do to make the situation better?<br>Good luck, and remember, that even after four years, walking away is also a choice.<br>

Thanks; I needed that... You're right, of course; I need to get a grip. We do all have needs, as Dr. Harley points out, and it does become sometimes intolerably frustrating when they're not met, but the reasons (unavoidable extenuating circumstances, in this case) must also be kept in mind. I do choose to be with him and therefore don't have (too much) room to complain, I guess. I, too, am a Christian (believe it or not) and am ashamed of myself when I get seriously into the "taker" mode like this and irrationally angry at two little girls!! Pray for patience for me... I'm going to print out your response and carry it with me!!