I am currently living with my boyfriend, we have been together a little over 2 years and been living together about a year now<BR>a few weeks back I told him that I'm ready for marriage. He told me thats hes not ready.<BR>I really hope that things will change over the next 6-12 months<BR>I dont want to loose this guy he means so much to me.<BR>He is the kind of guy who doesnt like to be pushed so I havent mentioned anything more.<BR>if he hasnt said anything by a certain time should I talk to him about it again and if so how much time should I give him.<BR>thank you

bijzonder:<P>It would not be fair to you to respond to your question without telling you my opinion. So, before I begin, I need to let you know that my position is that living with someone outside of marriage is a really bad idea. This is not a criticism of you, it is my belief. My main criticism is of a man who is willing to take advantage of a woman in this manner. My comments are only intended for your protection and benefit. <P>One of the big problems with a woman agreeing to live with a man is that most women do not understand the male mind. I have spoken to several women who have lived with their boyfriends and the consensus among the women is that living together is a preliminary step to marriage. <P>For the men, however, the motivation is really different. The reason that men want to live with women is first, readily available sex, and second, to give the woman a "try out" to see if the man feels this is the woman he wants to marry. <P>In your situation, if it is similar to other "living together" situations, your boyfriend gets from you, 1) regular sex, 2) domestic support, 3) no pressure, 4) food, and 5) possibly money. In exchange for this, he refuses to give you any commitment at all. There is nothing preventing him from moving out at this very moment and moving in with another woman, and there is not a thing in the world you could do about it. I assure you, he is very aware of this. <P>You state that this man is not the kind of person who likes to be pressured. If this is so, he is really living on the wrong planet. Pressure is part of life, and he can no more avoid it than he can avoid breathing. <P>This man has demanded that you "audition" for the part of his wife for one year. I think that is long enough. He will probably never be "ready" as long as you are willing to give him all of the benefits of marriage without any of the commitments. I know that you may believe that he is wonderful, but if he is so wonderful, why would he demand that you give him what he wants while he gives you nothing. I think you should give him a deadline to set a date or move out. If he sets a date for marriage, then he really is wonderful. If he moves out, you have rid yourself of a man who was only using you.<P>May the Lord Bless You and Keep You,<BR>John

first of all Its2Late<P>my boyfriend has every intention of marrying me he just doesn't know when. he told me out of 10 he is an 8<P>none of us are religious people.<P>when I said he is the kind of guy who doesnt like to be pressured. I meant about marriage. He wants to propose to me when he is good and ready. if he was simply to marry me just to keep me happy what sort of marriage would that be. would you want to be pressured into marriage when you are not ready???<P>also why should i move out??<P><BR>we didnt move into together till after a year because niether of us could afford to.<BR>I will say that yes I do do more of the housework etc , but only because I work part time and he works full time and as for sex well If I'm not in the mood then we dont have sex same if hes not in the mood.(our sex has decreased) since we moved intogether) as for money well the only money I give my boyfriend is for the bills.<P>and as for him giving me nothing, he has given me love support understanding and being there for me when I needed him most.<P>he supported me financilly while i was out of work for 7 months..he could have easily told me to move out or get a job. He has no problems with me earning far less money than he is.<P>I am asking for support here not negative comments which I feel I have gotten from you.<P>My boyfriend and I have been through a lot in the past 2 years that we have been togethe and yes we do have our disagreements but we always work them out.<P>if he did not want to me with me he woudlnt be living with me where he is now...he has to travel an hour to work each day in heavy traffic. he could easily have moved closer to his work and left me here where my job is.<P>He has told me that he is not living with me for the convienence or sex or anything like that he is living with me because he wants to be with me and one day marry me<P>thats all i have to say<p>[This message has been edited by bijzonder (edited March 23, 2000).]

Hi bijzonder!<P>I do understand your hurt at the comments you received, but please realize they were not meant to criticize. When you post for advice, people give their advice based on their opinions. John was pretty clear in establishing his opinion, and, as with any advice you receive from friends or family, you're free to ignore advice you don't agree with.<P>Well, I hope that clears the air. It's just that I note that you're new here, and I didn't want your negative impression of the forum to continue - it's really a very friendly and supportive place. Many of the people here are putting Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts to work in their relationships and thus are inclined to follow his advice and principles. Dr. Harley does speak out against the practice of living together, not because he feels people are being "used" but because the marriages of people who live together first statistically end in divorce more often than the marriages of people who do not. Why? I don't know. If you'd like to read Dr. Harley's explanation, you can follow the links on this page:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5510_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5510_qa.html</A> <P>if you haven't read the Basic Concepts pages yet, that will give you some insight into the relationship philosophy of many of the people who post here. <P>Anyway... you didn't post asking for advice about living together, you asked about engagements. Do you know more specifically why you BF doesn't want to take the next step? "Not ready" is a little vague. Does he feel it's not the right time for him as an individual, or not the right time for the relationship? Is he worried about being "tied down?" Are you financially unprepared for a wedding and honeymoon and perhaps he wants to save? There are lots of reasons why he might want to wait, and whether or not you should wait for him - and if so, how long - depends in large part on his reason.<P>It's very good of you to recognize that a marriage in which one partner has been pressured into the committment is not a happy solution. But what about you? It's just as wrong to pressure you to wait if that makes you unhappy... so I guess the question is, how does waiting make you feel? Are you okay with waiting?

actually yes i am prepared to wait.<P>i have told him that i would like to be married by the time im 26 and he said he has taken this into account<P>after thinking things through i have decided not to mention this to him until next year.<P>btw im 24<P>i doubt that any man would stick by me as much as my boyfriend has. after all he was the one who did stop me from ending my life

I don't question your BF's devotion to you - and I'm glad he was there for you at a crisis point in your life. Typically, moving in together is a pretty big step for most guys (if he was really only using you for sex, he'd resort to separate apartments and call you about 11 PM)! And it doesn't sound like you're that unhappy with the situation either. I think, if you're both happy with the way things are, that you should let the relationship move toward marriage at its own pace. Just because you've been together a few years doesn't mean you have to get married, though I know from experience that rarely stops family and friends from thinking that! The only problem is if you're unhappy waiting, and since that's not the case it sounds to me like you're a-ok.

I think this time you should wait till he propose to you this time.<BR>I was surprised at John's reply. He says man gets 1) regular sex, 2) domestic support, 3) no pressure, 4) food, and 5) possibly money. <BR>thats why he stays with GF.<BR>Its ridiculous judgement.I always look upon man & woman as equals. This statement means<BR>woman does not get any of this fromm man or what. This is discrimination and insulting.<BR>

just reading johns reply....my boyfriends brother who was for his girlfriend for just over 3 years ,they lived together for about 2 and a half years, have just got married<BR>so you cant tell me that my boyfriend will never be ready. it can happen and im pretty sure that it will.<P>i realise that some people say that living together before marriage more than often results in divorce...but it takes two people to make a marriage work so if a couple are raelly commited to making the marriage work it should work not matter what. but it takes only one to tear it down.<P>well i better go now<P>

Have you read Dr. Harley's article? This is at <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/print/mbi5025p_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/print/mbi5025p_qa.html</A> <P>I think women get the raw deal in living together for many reasons. Not in every case, but in the usual cases, like yours.<P>1) He can't get pregnant. You could.<P>2) He makes more money than you do, so power and control are inherently unequal.<P>3) He has no legal or moral liability for you or anything that happens to you.<P>4) You are kept in a dependent state without the protections of the law. Why do think gays want the recognition of marriage? Because of the legal protections, especially for the weaker, more dependent partner.<P>5) You would have the more difficult time readjusting to the changed economic circumstances if he were to walk out or die.<P>6)You are already performing the duties of a wife without holding him accountable for the responsibilities and duties of a husband. And if you get pregnant this will become real clear in your head, real fast. What if *something* were to happen?<P>7) Honesty and accountability are totally different when you are not married. You have no right to require it or give it. Bad precedence.<P>8) Odds are you will get pregnant eventually. Birth control is not 100%.<P>9) What can he get out of marriage that he is not already getting? Nothing really. What can you get out of marriage that you are not already getting? Committment, security, legal protections. You know this, that is why you are "ready" to get married and he is not.<P>Many people I have known have made wonderful and successful marriages after living together. More of them divorced in 1 to 3 years. Those who succeeded had no children. Ever. Probably just a coincidence.<P><BR>Good luck with everything. I wish you two the best! Love, K<P><P>------------------<BR>A true friend is one who not only is willing to love us the way we are, but is able to leave us better than he found us.

My boyfriend and i talked abit about him not being ready yet.<P>he told me that he should be ready to marry me in the next 2 years..so really im not expecting anything to happen this year.<P>he gave me an example to make it easier for me to understand..he asked me if i was ready to sit my driving test and i said no ,he then asked me if i will be ready to sit it one day and i said yes ..he said its like that with him not ready yet...but he knows that one day he will be<BR>im sure some of you will say that "he is just leading her on" well you cant really judge cause i know him better than anyone here on this board<BR>

just curious...since you've been living together awhile, what is it about marriage that he is not ready for?

the reason why is he not ready..well there is not specific reason. and no its not cause he is afraid of comittment otherwise he would have broken up with me ages ago.<P>he told me he doesnt see any reason why we shouldnt get married.<P>i have complete trust in this guy