Our soon to be 18 year old daughter has informed us that she plans to move in with her boyfriend and his mother when she is done with school and turns 18. For many reasons we feel this will be a terrible mistake for her. She has a promise ring and they are planning to marry some day but we feel this plan is not good. How can we help her to see this without making her just want to do it because we think she shouldn't? Any suggestions?

Tosha,<BR>Have you tried to talk to her (a tete a tete between women)?<P>If so do not press her. I know from someone in my family that the more parents oppose a child's decision the more the child becomes adamant in his or her decision.<P>Make your wishes known to her maybe get her to read the articles by Dr. Harley in this site about living together before marriage and then let her make her decision.<P>She will be 18 and at that point you will not be able to force yourself on her.<P>But tell her in a sisterly way that you feel that in the years to come she might look back with regret to such a decision.<P>Do not drag on the discussions or arguements just point out the facts and tell her you trust that the decision she is going to make will be a good one.<P>I know at this point you would want to stop her from taking such a step but PLEASE do not force her to do what you do not want her!<P>If you press too hard she will head directly to her boyfriend's house.<P>Take care<P>Stubborn

tosha:<P>I'd second stubborn's opinion of printing out Dr. Harley's Q&A on living together before marriage---it's a very good article. And I'd also get her a copy of "The Four Gifts of Love". It's a book that's wonderful for engaged and just married couples. You might feel that this is feeding the fire, but I'd treat your daughter and her boyfriend as if they may be married some day. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't state your concerns, but it does mean that you should support your daughter as best you can.<P>

tosha,<P>I have been taking pre-emptive steps with regard to this and many other decisions my kids might want to do when they come of age. (My son turns 18 in 6 weeks) My stance has been when they think they are ready to make "adult" decisions (i.e. decision with lasting implications like body peircings, tatoos, pre-marital sex, livinh with a girlfriend, not going to college etc.) they must also be ready to take on all of the adult responsibilities. Meanig they are on their own! My financial suport ends. We have talked about this very thing many times during their teens. <P>I was just talking with my son last night concerning college. He has been accepted to his school of choice but he was thinking maybe he wouldn't go. My response was fine. But realize that I will be helping you pack and move out of the house the day after you graduate from high school. Sounds harsh I know but my job as his father is to prepare him for life. Is this coercion? Maybe but hey I have the best interest of my son at stake as you do for your daughter. <P>Is your daughter planning on going to college? Are you planning on helping her? What are her plans for the future? If your daughter is planning on your support in any fashion you have a card to play. (Oh and don't say it if you don't mean it.) If not then all you can do is talk and pray which you should be doing in any event. Watching our kids make bad choices is always hard but for one don't feel I should make it easier for them to make bad choices. I would have a hard time subsidizing a child's behavior that I know is no in their best interest. <P>God Bless!<BR>Mud

Hi Tosha,<BR>I would like to add something else to what K has mentioned that is, talk to her about the meaning of approaching marriage after she would have tried cohabiting and tell her that it will not be as anticipated as when two couples are entering from scratch (not having lived together before).<P>What about his mother (your daughter's boyfriend) have you had a chance to talk to her and see what her opinion is?<P>I aggree with what Mudder said. In a sense she cannot have it both her own ways. <P>Hope that these words might give you some ideas if not comfort.<P>I hope your daughter can talk to people maybe not very older than her who have a history of cohabiting that did not turn out so good and get a perspective from them.<P>Take care<P>Stubborn

Thank you to all who responded. Your responses are all helpful.