My boyfriend and I have been living together for a year and a half now. I have three children from a previous marriage, and also, we have a 10 month old son together. Obviously, we have done nothing in the right order, and I have screwed up a relationship before. <BR>The thing is, my boyfriend and I do not seem to be meant for each other. I love him so dearly, and I concider him my husband in so many ways. He often is caught calling me his wife, and he is an active father to all the children. (Whom by the way have a great relationship with thier real father, and all three of us adults get along very well)The problem is we are always fighting, we don't agree on anything at all, and it seems like he does everything he can to hurt me emotionally. <BR>We spend no time together. I nearly have to pull him by the teeth to get him to go to the movies with me. We both love the movies, but he's always to tired. He never asks me if I would like to go out, and if I suggest going out, he has an excuse as to why we shouldn't. <BR>Are problems do not stop there; in fact this isn't even the beginning. <BR>I have tried to dress the way he likes me to, and he ignores me. He makes me feel bad about myself if I come on to him. He devises excuses to keep from doing things with me, making love, or doing something that might (Lord forbid) make me feel good. He waits until I am screaming and crying that I want out of this relationship to do something about it! At that time he will make me feel so loved and appreciated that I don't want to leave; but the next day we are back to square one. <BR>Everything he has requested I do to make this a happy relationship for him, I have done happily until recently. Now I find myself thinking things like "He won't do this for me, why should I for him?" when he asks me to do even the smallest, simplest thing like get him a glass of water. And it's true. If I ask anything of him, he is too tired, was about to do something else, or is too busy watching tv or something. <BR>I have never had the feelings of wanting to cheat on him. But I have accused him of cheating because of the way he treats me. He says he hasn't, but I can't shake the feeling that someone else is peaking his interest. He tells me all the time how beautiful other women are, but I seldom hear that about myself. <BR>The scariest thing would have to be "after effects". Not to get too personal here, but after sex (which is only when he wants it, about twice a month) the insults and aggravation starts. He gets very irritated with me for anything I do, even if I do something he tells me to! He pushes me away and tells me he is too tired/sick/hungry to talk/cuddle/anything. Now I can understand wanting to sleep, but he just wants to get back to the tv/computer/kitchen, without me. <BR>I can not let this relationship go. We have to work this out, for our sakes and the childrens' sakes. But I can not do it alone, and he refuses to seek out any type of counseling help to keep us together. I know he doesn't want us to end; he works so hard to change my mind when I threaten to leave...which is happening far too often. <BR>Also, it was like this before we moved in together, just not as often because we weren't always together. But it happened when we saw each other. We did once apon a time feel strong love for each other, which of course changed for him when we got pregnant. Even then I tried to leave him and he wouldn't let me. <BR>I just don't know what to do anymore. I am afraid we will never be able to open our hearts to each other due to all the pain that happened in the past and all the pain that is happening now. I'm inflicting too much pain on him as a way to divert the pain he causes me...how can I stop this?<BR>B

My question is if you knew that he was like this before you moved in with him why on earth did you move in with him and get pregnant? (Sorry if I sound preachy. I've been reading Dr. Laura's Ten Stupid Things WOmen Do To Mess Up Their lives.)<P>Now it is too late for that. <P>What I would suggest is for you to seek counseling for yourself since he won't go. Maybe you can work on yourself and become a better person. Maybe then you can have stregnth enough to decide what you need to do for yourself and your children. What do you want them to grow up seeing? Their mother belittled by a man or a strong woman who is confident in herself and her own decisions.<P>terentia

Terentia,<BR>Actually, you have to know the whole story. My boyfriend and I are realistically abusing each other. His way is buy doing suttle things that make me feel bad about myself. My way is treating him like a lazy slob, a lot of times saying things to him to hurt him in a way that makes him feel less. I tell him a lot that I'm gonna leave him, and that makes him change for a day. I'm afraid that by me doing this I am going to push him so far away that there will be no hope left. I'm working very hard on stopping this, and we have talked a lot in the past couple of weeks. I'm working on reopening up my heart to him, and he is working on not saying the wrong things to me, and also trying to open his heart to me in the first time in our relationship. <BR>I'm sorry, I didn't find your advice helpful. What I was asking for was advice on how I could keep my big mouth shut and not threaten him with loneliness. I was also asking for advice on how to tell him what I need from him in order for me to not feel so used. <BR>So far, our talks have brought us closer together in some areas, and further apart in others. We are both scared to death that when we are all done with the talking things out part, that we will be too emotionally raw to do the working things out part. Our scars run very deep. We both have done so much to destroy this relationship, and we didn't even realize what we were doing. The hardest thing for us to get over right now is the Personal History Questionaire I filled out, and that he declined to fill out (I know everything about him, he knew nothing about me). Well, since he has read the PHQ he has distance himself from me even more in certain areas of our relationship. I have decided not to persue that part of it until we know for sure if even can make it through the rest of this mess. Lord knows, we have to make it. Dr. Laura knows nothing compared to Him. <BR>Thanks anyway. <P>------------------<BR>*smiles*<BR>B

JB..<P>get counseling...and get away from this man...marrying him<BR>wont make things better..it will only get worse..and you have 4 kids to think about..do you want them to grow up<BR>in a home where there isn't any love shown????

Get the Love Buster's Book and fast! Or at least read the articles on this site about them and also the Giver/Taker in all of us. It really will help.Also, do things to make yourself happy. Wouldn't you rather be with a happy person than one who is always harping, begging, pointing out your bad points? You can not control anyone but yourself, you can not improve anyone but yourself. Get to the point where you are happy with yourself and then evaluate your committment.<BR>T