I began living with a beautiful and young 30 year-old woman almost three years ago. I was first attracted to her beauty and her remarkable intelligence, but later I was mesmerized by the need to protect the adolescent little girl inside of her... and her need to be loved and protected are substantial. We have discussed marriage on many occasions. I know that we love each other but there are too many problems between us that need to be resolved. The fact that I am twice her age, although unusual, has never been one of those problems. But at this stage in my life I need serenity and security, not strife and conflict.

I will start this post by telling you that seeing a professional counselor is simply out of the question. That’s the only reason I have come here. I have insisted upon it many times, but she will never go through with it. She is terrified of relating our problems to anyone on the outside. Sometimes, under the right set of circumstances, I am afraid that she is capable of doing physical harm to herself. Most geniuses, and I am certain this woman fits well into that classification, have severe emotional quirks in other areas, and she is no exception.

Many of you will find our experiences comical. I would if I were on the outside looking in. But these problems are real to us and I have come here to try and get some non-professional ideas, not so much related as to whether I should dump this woman, but to try and discover if it might be possible to alter myself in some way to make this relationship work. My conundrum is that even if I am willing to change personally, I will have to do it in such a way that is will not adversely affect my business activities.

Our problem is jealousy - not mine, but hers. There has been no real violence yet, but we have come so close to physical violence that it frightens me. I am afraid to go anywhere with her because of it, and she refuses to go anywhere with me if she feels that her jealousy will cause a problems. So we live in a prison, shackled in a private cell, unable to participate in external relationships.

Her jealousy makes me wonder if she loves me or could it be that I have simply become a possession that she is protecting. You are probably wondering about how this jealousy shows itself. I have many examples, so I will give you a few. She is jealous of my daughter, my male business associates, women that we see on normal television programs, at the mall, when we go out to eat.

I call this ‘jealousy’, but it may be a reaction from an abnormal fear of being abandoned. She said once that she is terrified that I will see a woman who is more beautiful than she is and I will leave her.

Early in our relationship, she asked me several questions about which movie stars that I thought were beautiful. I gave her two or three names and now, the appearance of any woman that looks remotely like any of those women can set off a chain reaction that ends up in a horrible argument. The only way to avoid this is to take some action to eliminate the problem - exit a movie theatre, change channels on the TV, leave a restaurant without ordering, or cancel a business meeting.

I am a student of the book “How To Win Friends and Influence People”. Over thrity years ago I learned, that if you want to be believed, you must look the person in the eye and listen to them, showing a “genuine” interest in them and what they are saying to you. As of late, this characteristic has become a horrible curse and this far, has become impossible to change. If she is with me, she perceives it as personal humiliation. If with a woman, she sees it as flirting – if with a man, she considers in rudeness toward her. She insists that I look at her, not the person I am having the conversation with. Panic causes her to do something, say something, anything that will terminate the situation. It is simply impossible to assure her that any interests in other women, simply is not there.

In closing, I will say that living with her is not all bad. Where jealousy is not at issue, I am completely happy. But sometimes I wonder, is this just too much to live with.

Except for the jealousy, she is wonderful to live with ......

And you want to stay with this woman? I don't get it. Is the sex that great? Are you that impressed with her intellectual "genius?" Or are you the knight in shining armor who will finally rescue the damsel in the tower, not by carrying her down, but by climbing up with her and burning the ladder behind you, bricking up the windows, and plucking out your eyes? By wiping out all memory of any other loved ones?

Oh, well. Go to the Emotional Needs questionnaires, print them out, and both of you take them. The Boards provide self-help tools, since your lady friend doesn't want to disclose in a therapeutic setting. That way you keep your privacy.

Unless she manages to choke off all your contacts, family, business relationships, U.S. mail, and women on the TV, her fear of abandonment behaviors are likely to cause the very thing she fears.

Thanks Belle, you could be right - about a lot of things. Sex is not one of the problems, although I can see it as a possible problem later on. Yes, I would like to stay with this woman. If I did not, it would be so easy just to cast her aside. But she doesn't deserve that. She has stayed with me through difficult times. We have had some good times too. I am just not up to pursuing anything new, but of course, no one wants to live alone. I am torn between her happiness and honoring my commitments to those that have helped me and stood by me with regards to a long-term new business venture that is just beginning to flourish.

If she won't go to a professional counselor, fine. There's nothing stopping YOU from going on your own. Maybe s/he can help you sort out why you are staying with this woman. Wanting to 'save someone from themselves' is NOT a good foundation for a marriage.

A functional relationship is between two people that are functional on their own, and the coming together makes things better.

You can't using "saving her" as any kind of realistic foundation.

I know you said you didn't want to go to counseling because of her not wanting to reveal intimate details, how do you think she would feel knowing you've revealed these same details to a kazillion Internet users? Betrayed? Resentful?

Some relationships cannot be saved. Some were never meant to be. Seek some guidance on your own, and see if this is one that should be put to rest.

I agree with the other posters. YOU should seek counseling for yourself. Perhaps if you did that she would eventually see that one does not have to be sick to seek help, but rather just interested in bettering him/herself...understanding his/her needs, expectations, desires, boundaries, etc. We all have plenty to learn from that introspection and I see no reason why you wouldn't benefit from counseling. There doesn't have to be something WRONG with you to seek counseling, just a desire to take a step toward making your life better.

The fragile world that your gf is living in is not something that you can repair. She needs to take steps to understand her feelings of jealousy and abandonment and until she does that, you will continue to experience frustration. Please remember that she has no more right to inflict mental or physical abuse on you than you do on her.

She is obviously a brilliant, loving, and amazing individual and I respect your desire to stick by her as she works through her problems. However, if she refuses to work on her problems, you're in for a long, unpleasant ride.
None of us are perfect and all of us must take responsibility for our actions. YOU do not need to take responsibility for her suicidal tendencies, her jealousy, her anger management, etc. There are things you can do to avoid instigating issues surrounding this problems, but she needs to step up to the plate. If I can suggest one thing...do not allow conflict avoidance to be a part of this relationship...it will come back to bite you.
I feel so fortunate that I woke up and addressed my own issues with abandonment, depression, and anger before I met my husband. Nobody else could have fixed those things for me. I had to see the need on my own and seek help. I think the best thing you can do to help encourage your gf to seek help is to seek help for your own issues and leave her with an open invitation to join you. Don't pressure her or she may see it as a challenge to do this on her own...from the little you've written, this is beyond that stage for her. She needs to understand her abandonment/jealousy problems and actively work on them before she can have a healthy and happy relationship.

Best wishes to you,
Smile

Since you are living together and having these problems, please don't get married until they are fixed.

My husband says that I am jealous because I do not want him go to strip bars and getting lap dances or reading/subscribing/watching porn. He is 12 years older than me and I used to model (& still look the same, already back to my old size after this baby).

I actually wish that my husband would look people in the eye. Since we got married, he no longer looks at me when we speak and I realized after being around his father that these men do not look at anyone (and they are not educated so I have decided this is a rude & uneducated gesture). I do not like women that I do not know calling my husband in the evening and I do not like him to go visit his exgirlfriend (they were together 9 years, she is 12 years older than him so 24 years older than I, a bartender/biker woman).

I think that your lady is being very possessive and needs some help. You might want to talk to a domestic violence counselor since you are worried she might hurt herself and you also mentioned the tension you are dealing with in your relationship.

Good luck.

Jealousy is one of the most 'destructive' vices that exist. If your beautiful lady does not want help, then she 'unwittingly' will destroy the fabric of love that exists between the both of you.

I know... because I have experienced such a relationship that you describe.

The best thing you can do is be honest with her about her destructive behaviour and how it is affecting your relationship.

Indicate to her that in order for your relationship to flourish and bloom, that she needs help...

If she doesn't admit this and do something about it (with your support of course) then your relationship is doomed for the rocks...

Take heart and encourage her to get help.

Marriage is not an option at this point.

In some ways I can relate to your situation. I have ahd trouble with some of the same issues. my xh daughter was one of the problems but there was substantial cause for it. Right after we got married my h started cutting me down because I had such a strong sex drive. He wasn't used to it and couldn't see it as my way of showing my love for him. When I started losing my feelings of love for him it hurt so bad that I would be crying when he came home from work and he would get mad with me because I ruined his day. He had had a good day at work and then he came home to find me crying. I told him I couldn't control when those feelings came up, but he refused to understand and still said I was ruining his day. I didn't pitch any fits - to start with. The first time was when he would jsut let his 16 yr old daughter come banging on the bedroom door right in the middle of our relations, and not do anything to stop it. My kids new that if the door was shut, don't come knocking unless someone was bleeding or something really bad was going on. But he never saw any reason to try and stop the bad stuff from happening. His theory was " if you leave your problems alone long enough they will go away". Well, they didn't. They just multiplied and got bigger. And I took it out on myself for a long time. Yes, at one point I did do things to myself. Once I ripped my legs up with my finger nails from bottom to top, but he never saw it until the rips had almost healed. He did neglect and cut me down very badly. By the time we were married 1 1/2yrs, I hated myself so bad that I couldn't function. Thankfully, I had lived by myself enough years that I knew the importance of getting help. I had been abandoned, abused, molested, and raped growing up - by the people in my family so I knew I had issues I had to deal with to make things work. Unfortunately, he didn't see the issues he needeed to deal with and even though I did get better, he didn't. Needless to say, the marriage didn't get any better either, except I stopped putting all the blame on myself and started liking myself in spite of the abuse I suffered under him. I started making friends with the people he worked with and they loved me to death. I never could understand why. I still couldn't the person they all saw in me. It has taken me three months with absolutely no contact with him to start seeing the person inside they all talked about.
Yes, I am very protective, even still. If someone comes at a person I care about and seems like a threat to them (once with my brother not long ago) and it's someone I know, I'll let them know to leave whoever they're coming at alone. And I'm afraid if it come down to it, I'd probably step in and take them out. Even though my brother is twice my size and could knock them out easily. But some of that comes from all the times my h let others abuse me in public and never did anything about it - even when it was a doctor harassing me just because I came to a hospital that was two miles farther away from my home than the one he though I ought to have gone to. I was lying in er, doubled over in pain, with a doctor harrassing me over first one thing and then another and my h just sat there and let him keep on at me until I was afraid to let the man touch me, so I managed to get off the bed and leave. He had to bring the car down to the door because I couldn't walk any farther, but he never once did anything to get the man to leave me alone. Once it was over he went to the administrator and had a talk with him, when he got mad because we got billed even though I wasn't treated, but that didn't do anything to tell me he would be there for me the next time something happened.
Needless to say, my counselor said that my reactions that time were quite normal, and finally told me about my h "you can't steer a parked car". Even Dr. H let me know after some time on the private forum that if he wasn't willing to follow the poja then it wouldn't work. He never did. He got angry and thought he should be able to do what he wanted to do without contacting me. Well, we finally aren't together anymore, and my recovery is getting better every day. My counselor said it would come when I least expected it and he was right.
But if h had been willing to work on himself too things would have gotton better instead of worse.
Get some help for yourself and if she still refuses, things probably won't get any better.
If she is willing to talk, I can talk to her. There's probably not much she can come up with that I haven't already been through. My doctor said that people who have been through what I have don't usually make it. That I am a survivor, and a thriver. I take the bad, learn from it and make my life better in spite of it.
Talk to her. She doesn't know me, I don't know her, but that doesn't mean we can't relate to each other in things that have happened in life and how we act or react to them.

jnb

oops! sorry this one got put on the wrong thread!
jnb

no it didn't, i just didn't finish reading it