OK, so let's say for the sake of argument that we agree that living together before marriage has ill effects on the outcome of the marriage. How then, do we go about dating seriously and building a relationship that is based on more than a string of cheesy romantic comedies and dinners together??

Here is my issue. I'm dating a guy I've known for 5 years. We've been dating for 5 months. He has his own house, I have my own apartment. I'm 30, he's 33. We are very close and open with each other, and both hold very significant status in the other's life (in other words, we're exclusive and committed).

With all the scary reports about cohabitation, I want to make sure I do this relationship right, because I do want it to lead to a healthy marriage (not that we're engaged). Right now I stay at his house most nights, but I keep only a few toiletries and a change of clothes there. We go out once or twice a week; the rest of the time we cook together and clean up together.

My first question is, are we considered to be living together?

Secondly, since living together (for the purposes of this example) is harmful, what steps should I take to "rearrange" our relationship, without hurting his feelings, and also still allowing for plenty of time together (I work until 6PM weeknights & he works some nights)??? Is it as simple as just not sleeping over? That would seem like a childish solution, almost silly. I'm feeling rather torn and confused.

<small>[ March 08, 2005, 12:41 PM: Message edited by: singer74 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">With all the scary reports about cohabitation, I want to make sure I do this relationship right, because I do want it to lead to a healthy marriage (not that we're engaged). Right now I stay at his house most nights, but I keep only a few toiletries and a change of clothes there. We go out once or twice a week; the rest of the time we cook together and clean up together. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, first off, all the scary reports aren't that bad. Well, that's not true. Many of the reports are bad, but if you actually look at the statistics it isn't as bad as many would lead you to believe. The link I gave you has information at the bottom about how they collected thier data, which I have yet to find at any other site about this issue.

It sounds like you are practically living together now, for all intents and purposes. My W and I lived together for almost 5 years before we got married. Think about this: two people can really live almost as cheaply as one. Instead of maintaining two households, and paying rent on two places, how much better would things be if you did live together?

Having said that, make sure the two of you sit down up front, before making the plunge, and agree on who, and how the finances will be handled. (joint account, seperate accounts with everything split down the middle, separate accounts and a joint account, whatever)

I can tell you, from my experience, almost all my friends I know who are still married lived together first. The only ones I know who got married and didn't live together first are still married, but miserable, and are supremely incompatible. You gotta go with your own thoughts and feelings though, no one knows you like you.

Cheers, and good luck,
FNA

If your questioning it don't go ahead with it.
The numbers are bad and even worse in second marriages.
Nick