I wonder if anyone has dealt with this problem, my husband after 19 yrs of marriage wants to leave and be on his own for awhile, he is moving into an apartment in August, he told me in April he was not in love with me anymore, he only loves me for the Mother i am to our son. He believes it is a mid-life crisis, and wishes i would quit blaming myself, and trying to figure out what went wrong, he says he is tired of hurting me, please read my letter i sent on this forum and you will understand it is in the Others section. He read an article that i copied from the web site Friends and Lovers the Relationships Magazine, the article was HIS Midlife Crisis, Will Your Relationship Survive, he said it fit him to a tee!! I am just having a really hard time coping with all of this, and i cry so easily, I want to be so strong and yet it is so hard, Im losing weight, and can't seem to focus real well on anything but the Marriage. I can only hope that he will return to me but i don't know if that is realistic, I just want some advice from someone who has been thru this and has gotten back togeather with thier spose. He is not talking divorce yet. I wish i knew what to do when he is gone to win him back, I have read so many books that my brain doesn't know what to think now. Should i just sit back and be nice when he comes around, and get on with my life, as hard as that will be. So confused and i don't know what to do. And yes i am going to counseling, he refuses. But i think twice a month is not enough, i also wonder if i should be on an antidepressent. I will be going to my Dr. on Mon to talk to him about this. Hope i hear some replys, and not just one liners. Please someone help!!

I wish someone would look at my letters, but i guess they are just not important enough. Since i posted this last letter alot has happen to me. Just when i was finally adjusting to my husband moving out on his own, which i have to say was really very difficult for him to do, but he eventually did. After being out for only a week, and me finally taking control of my feelings and getting on with my life no matter what it had to deal me, i will survive, I decided i wasn't going to let my Husband get the best of my spirit, just as this was taking place in my life, my Brother died suddenly in his sleep, i thought how can i handle any more tragedy in my life, My husband has been here for me since this has happened, the funeral is Mon August 10th, I keep thinking this must of happened for a reason, i have cried so much the last three mths i don't know if i have anymore tears to shed. I truly think i am being tested for some reason, and maybe the death of my brother was meant to bring us togeather, Maybe i am hoping for too much. I sure would like to hear from someone. Can life get any more trying??

Macab,
<br>very sorry to hear of your brothers death. I am new hear and have not had time to read everyones posts. I understand your pain over your husband leaving very well. It is indeed so hard to function, sleep, eat, breath even!
<br>you said your husband's exuse for leaving was, "not to hurt you anymore" what did he feel he was doing that hurt you? also, (Most important, I WISH I had had the forsight to see a doctor and get some anti-depressents. I did not realize how seriosly ill I would become, (I kept thinking I'd feel better any day now!) I could have saved my children and myself alot of grief I think If I had gotten the help I needed. I feel for you, and will pray for some comfort for you. Please, do see a doctor or your depresstion may get much worse.
<br>Take care,
<br>S
<br>

Dear Macmab!
<p>Although my case is different (I am participating in the Infidelity forum), it has a lot to di with the midlife crisis.
<p>First, regain the peace of mind. This can take some special effort, but trust me -- I never belived in those tricks myself before trying them -- some purely "technological" work can do miracles. Distance yourself from the situation. Relax, meditate, go to the Church, bookstore -- the goal is not to switch your attention to other matters, but to ler yourself gain the necessary for the evaluation fot he situation calmness.
<p>There is a very good book I recommend -- "Awakening at Midlife" -- you can find it even in Barnes and Nobles online store. Read it.
<p>I can't say who first entered this horror, midlife crisis, my husband or myself; he was the first to say it aloud. Now I understand how much trouble came out of simple illiteracy in this topic. Sometimes there is an absolute desperation and inability to see anybody. I would say, your husband is right doing what he is doing -- and I promise that after he does it (moving out) your relationship will become better -- PROVIDED YOU DON'T BLAME HIM FOR IT, UNDERSTAND, EVEN HELP HIM. If you try to hold, if you show your dependence on him you only increase the feeling of guilt he already has, and, believe me, this is a very serious obstacle for a relationship -- when someone feels guilty.
<p>What you can do is show your respect and understanding in a frindly manner, let him know he is free but has all your support and company whenever he needs it. Be there -- he will need you often.
<p>I understand to well each of you. No matter how much I want my husband back, I understand that in our current state we can't communicate fulfillingly and can only be a burden to each other. I understand what you feel -- your fear, your uncertainty, but I also understand this need for being alone. My husband would say similar things for many years -- that he wants to be alone, that he only hurts others, and living together all this time brought us to where we are and very painfully. After being left alone he started working with a really good therapist, and I see his progress -- even the most ingrained problems and attitudes change dramatically. I see him shedding the covers he waas wearing for many years and acquiring his real self.
<p>Don't blame yourself -- you just happened to be with someone who needed psychological work for a long time; luckily he claims it openly now. And I beg you -- don't mention the D-word! Once said, it becomes a possibility; forget it -- even if he thinks about it himself it will remain a very difficult subject to be the first one to bring up.
<p>It's all up to you -- to make it a war, abandonment -- or just a friendly arrangement fo two households. Very often (I am now quite sensitive to this information) I hear stories about couples who separated, and only after that their relatioship improved dramatically -- ON ALL SIDES
<p>I haven't forgotten how much I muself longed for separating for many years -- without a slightes intention of leaving each other: I mean, I knew how much warmer our realtionship would always become even after a few days apart. But when there was a possibility for my husband to find a job on the other coast, and I did not want to follow him at least for a few months, he was hurt. Later he admitted that I had been right and that was what we really needed.
<p>And the last prediction: he will refuse to go to the conseling while this offer comes from you. Nothing personal -- just the way he is. After you stop mentioning it at all and let some time pass, he'll do it himself -- and he will tell you about it only a few months later.
<p>Good luck!

It's been a lone week, the funeral is over and i am back to discuss my problems,. Skeptic, what i meant not wanting to hurt me anymore, he was always verbally getting after me for the smallest things, and treating me like a daughter, instead of his wife, he realized what it was doing to me, and decided that was enough, he couldn't understand why his anger was directed at me, but it was, and then this Midlife Crisis thing. I do believe that is what is happening.
<br>ILM, thank you for replying to my post, you have some great advice, I truely believe he is having a hard time by himself, and i am giving him the space he needs to do whatever it is he needs to do. But he still comes over whenever he wants, no calls, just walks in, I try to be on my best behavior and act like everything is okay. It is hard to do this!!! I'm not sure of what to do or say when he is here, I don't want to push my love for him, he basically told me to cut the strings, this was before he moved out. So I never bring up anything about us. But I'm afraid if i don't he will think i don't care, and that i can do without him. It is a hard position to be in. But i decided i would be patient and give him his space and keep myself upbeat and busy, and about counseling i believe he will never go. He will work thru this himself. Today he wanted to know if i wanted to go a nieghboring town with him, i said yes, had very little to say on the way there, this bothers him that i don't say much, but it is so hard to talk to someone who says he doesn't love you anymore. Anyway we got there and he was getting stuff for his apartment and wanting my help to decide on and iron and so forth, he was complaining the whole time about how much money he has spent, and when will it end, no comment from me, that also bothered him. Then we went to the grocery store to buy him some grocerys, same thing wanted me to help, he didn't end up with much, when we started to leave he said fun trip? I said i guess i didn't know this is what we were going to do!!! He said "I don't know what i am doing either, i am so physically and emotionally drained. We had supper togeather at our house, and then he went to his apartment. I just don't know what else i can do , I wish i could talk to him easier. But it is too hard, and to think this was a problem before all this happened, only because i never thought what i had to say was important to him, so i put up these walls around me so i wouldn't have to get hurt. Sorry for the long letter, please reply soon.
<br>

Dear macmab,
<br>I really can feel your loneliness and frustration with your situation. I went through a similar experience 4 years ago with my husband (fiancee at the time). I'm only 30 years old, but your description of your husband leaving, saying "I don't love you anymore" but yet asking for your help and desiring your company is the exact duplicate of what my husband and I went through. He left me, moved out and yet wanted to "hang out" with me afterwards. He didn't want to break up forever, just a "little time" to himself. I felt like an idiot after he would come over and we'd watch t.v. together or eat dinner. Not a word was said -- just an uncomfortable silence (at least for me). I would get so nervous when he would come over, get "pretty", clean the house. And in the end, when he would leave again (without seeming to mind), I felt like a stupid prostitute who didn't even get paid for her time. I really resented myself for a long time for catering to him like that. My advice for you is to pull back (even at this tragic-laden time), regain strength in yourself and your confidence, and let your husband do the same. Decline politely to his requests, and state that you also have a need for time alone. I know this is a lot easier to type than to do, but I did it 4 years ago and it was the best thing I ever did for myself. It was also the hardest -- I was sure I would lose my fiancee and best friend. But I came to the conclusion that if I wasn't sure of myself, then how can I give my all to our relationship? I'm currently experiencing a midlife crisis situation (for lack of a better description) with my husband -- but I feel I can approach it with an open mind and a solid heart. I believe in listening to your "inner voice" and that's what I'll do to get through this crisis, too. Hope this helps -- Deb

Debmon,
<br> Thank you for your reply, I just hope that i am giving him the space he needs, and that he will return to me. He was here again tonight, he leaves his gym bag here that he goes to his workouts with. And then drops it off when he is done, i had a good meal prepared for our son and I, he picked a little at the meat and then gave a big sigh and then he left for his apt, and said I'll see you later, of cours i said okay. He also leaves his truck parked here, i guess so it doesn't have to be on the street near his apt. I feel the need for space right now, but i don't know when he'll appear, but i also don't want to get him mad, sometimes i just want to tell him to stay away for awhile and see what it is he really wants, but i just don't want to challange him.. He is really going thru some emotional termoil i know this. But i am at ease with this because i have found that i need some space to get myself in order, to find my true self again, and this is challanging me to be a stronger person. Tonight when he was here the phone rang, he said he would get it, he said it was probally my boyfriend, what kind of joke was that,. He knows i don't have a boyfriend and that i don't want one. I sometimes wonder if he wants me to have one, so he wouldn't feel so quilty, or if he wants me to have one so he would have permission then to have a girlfriend,. Maybe i am reading too much into this. I think alot of crazy things lately. I am so glad there is this forum so that i can talk to people like yiou have been through the same thing. And i like to hear about the success stories out there, so that i can hope that this will all turn out for the best, as long as i hold on and be supportive and strong for him.. By the way i am 39 and he is 42. I also want to know how he came to Love you again after he said he didn't anymore??

Just wanted to get this back to the top of the list, call it selfish, but would like to hear some feedback, this site helps me so much, and i look forward to some answers, and the support. Hope i hear from someone soon.

Macmab
<br>Iam going thru the same thing. My wife left me took the kids and she is living with her younger brother.
<br> She was here at the house and we talked about her feelings. Says she doesn't love herself so how can she love me she said.
<br> Iam going to counseling to make myself a better person and also seeing my minister.
<br> She started to cry and I went over to her and hugged her and kissed her on the cheek and she hugged me back. She told me I don't want to give you any false hopes for all this to work out.
<br> What I have learned to do is just listen to what she is saying and offer not comments in return,or very little.
<br> She told me she more then likely has a job and and is looking for a apartment. So I think iam in for a long haul here.
<br> She is coming here today 8/22 to do her laundry and then staying the night Iam leaving Sunday just to get out on my own and get away from the house,plus I didn't want my girls to stay here my themselves waiting for their mom to them up. While she is here iam going to stay out of her face and iam not going to hover over her.
<br> But i feel like iam a puppet and she is holding the strings,but for right now iam going to do pretty much wants she wants me to do. I want her back and iam sure you want your hubby back to. But for right now I think we should go on with our lives and let them think things out. What ever that may be.
<br> If you would like to talk via E-mail here is my address Jvanhar263@aol.com
<br> I know this letter wasn't any words of encourgement but i just want to tell you that you are not alone.
<p> thanks
<br> Jim
<br>
<br>

Jim,
<br> I am not much for e-mailing it gets to personal then. He is still coming over and he stays for about 2or3 hrs and then leaves. Friday he brought a movie over and we watched it and then he left. Sat he called and wanted our son and i to go to the new Mall with him, we came home he ate supper and then left again. Sun he came over changed the oil in the cars, did his laundry and then ate supper with us, then left. Last night i went to a friends house just so i wouldn't be here at home. We talked and she said there were rumors going around that my H was having an affair with someone from his office. Back in april when all this took place, the first thing i asked him was he having an affair with this girl, he said he didn't have time for an affair, and that they were just friends. I still have this gut feeling he hasn't told me everthing. Tried to get his cell phone #s that he called and they would only give those #s to him. I guess i have to trust that they are just rumors. And hope that he will eventually want to come back to me. Thanks for your reply.

To Macmab
<br> I know what you are going thru, I myself is going thru the same thing. We talk but only about what matters,not about our situation. I know in my gut that she has had an affair. She is not very reponsive to me maybe she is feeling guilty? God I hope she used a condom.
<br> Well I just want to let you know that Iam here and will listen as I hope you will do likewise. This forum is a good way for me to let steam off.
<br> your friend
<br> Jim

Jim,
<br>Thank you for your reply, He still is coming over almost everyday. I still cont to live my life as if he is not around. I must do this to survive, with many friends i get through everday with there help. I even opened my own checking account the other day, and felt really good about it, made me feel i was getting in control of my life. When he was here yesterday after i had gotten back from a Motorcycle ride with a male friend of ours, my H wanted me to go with him over to this guys house with him while he finished taking down there back stairs to thier porch. He didn't have to ask me to go with him, he could of went alone, I still think if i am patient he will come around. But there are some days i think negative and think he will find someone and things will be over then. I must try to keep those neg thoughts out of my head. I sometimes wonder if he wants to come back, but doesn't want to be crawling back so soon after leaving. And is giving himself a little more time to be alone. Before he make a big decission. Thanks for listening. MB

To Macmab
<br> Iam in the opposite situation. She wants to be alone and wants me to move out. She does not work but is looking for a job,I don't think she realizes the ramifactions of me moving out.
<br> So he just comes and goes as he pleases? Do you like it when he does that? I bet you did feel good about your own checking account that means you are taking control of your life,I will be doing the same thing here in the future.
<br> When he does come over do you two have sex?
<br> Last night I was feeling frisky and I took it very slow with her and not come out and say lets make love I did the touching kissing etc,,,She said I know what you want and now is not the time,she said I don't want to give you false hopes.
<br> Mac have you read the book Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus? Read it i just finsished it,it open my eyes up about Men and Women,There is a chapter in there about writing love letters you will undestand it when you read it.
<br> Keep me informed about yourself and i will do the same.
<p> Your friend
<br>Jim

Terri--
<br>thanks for the info on the book, I will look for it, in the meantime I hav one question. Does it deal with how to get YOURSELF to love your spouse again??? Or will that come in time? I still have worries that I will never be in love with my husband. Some days I can't STAND him and THAT scares me.

To Macmab
<br> Do you really want to know if the rumors are true? Stop right now and think,Do you want to know? Deep down inside you don't the surface you do. For right now put that rumor in the back of your mind and continue on what your doing going with friends the parties that you go to etc....and when your marriage gets on the right track again Never ever bring that subject up. When I found out my wife had I blew up that is very destructive. I was ready to file papers but I stopped took a deep breath and thought don't do anything rash you will regret it later.
<br> Your hubby is regreting on leaving feeling guilty and does not know how to approach you to ask Can I come home.
<br> About the book you can still write love letters to yourself to hubby (don't show him) or to anyone you want. I have written one to myself but when I write one to my wife i will not show her until I feel the time is right.
<p> Jim
<br> Keep me posted