I'm still left to wonder, and can see that I am not alone, why it is that someone who love's their spouse would betray them. I am deeply interested in all ideas that anyone would like to share.
<p>To narrow the field a bit, I am referring to a couple who has done the Love Busters and Unmet Needs evaluations and pretty much come up empty handed in terms of where the problem lies as neither of these revealed a real problem.
<p>I'm also wondering, when the phrase "midlife" is used, it used to refer to someone in their 40's. Does it still or is it more about what is going on IN life which could be reached by some in their 30's while still others may not hit it until their 50's and still others not at all. Is that possible?

Marie, you are an echo of my very own thoughts and from what I gather in these forums a lot of others too. I can ONLY speak from a women's point of view but having grown up in an all male household (with a mom of course) and working most of my adult life with men I suggest the following - also from what I have learned in my 40 some odd years:
<p>When a husband enters an affair and the situation is like yours - he doesn't know why etc. etc. I believe he really has thought about no one but himself - remember he wasn't supposed to "come clean" or get caught and I would bet that if asked would he do it again there would be a huge NO. However, remember it takes two to have an affair and there is this force pulling him into it (I am not laying the entire blame on the OW here). Do you really think he thought about you while he was being attracted to her - you were probably the last thing on his mind - not many men can concentrate on more than one thing at the same time. So he didn't do this TO you - the fact that you are hurt etc. as a result of this is secondary. If he really wanted to intentionally hurt you he would have done so long before. My spouse had a very brief encounter - said he never stopped loving me but felt this attraction to this other women - he said it was stupid, and is very sorry and says that he is much wiser now - would know how to handle the situation etc. etc. We could not determine the reason why either after doing the questionnaires etc. except that he was drawn into a situation (albeit he went on his own accord and is therefore totally responsible) but remember they don't enter these situations with the knowledge of how we will be affected - in short, they just don't think - period. There is a saying that "men have two heads but only enough blood supply to operate one at a time". I know that my spouse was very uncomfortable with the duplicity. I believe it was a midlife crisis thing - the fact that someone else found him very attractive - that is a very good feeling for anyone but one has to know when to draw the line. After all, after 20 years of marriage he knows I know he is attractive and our sex life is excellent but there is a rush when someone else shows it - these are normal feelings. He also said it was not about sex at all - I call it the "fragile ego syndrome" that many men have in their "mid-life" they need constant and NEW assurance that they are wanted, good looking etc. etc. Hope this helps. Oh yes - midlife can be ANYTIME but my experiences have been the late 30 - 50 age - again I think it depends on your age when your children were born.

Counting
<p>Thank you very much for your reply to my post. Much of what you said makes a great deal of sense, sadly enough. Thankfully, the "problem" sounds simple enough and yet it appears we both know that it isn't in reality.
<p>I think you hit the nail right on the head when you wrote about knowing where to draw the line as well as the part about there being a rush when another shows him he is good just as we as the wives express the same thoughts.
<p>It's interesting that so much of what you have written parallels my own situation. I've known him for 15 years and have been married for 9.
<p>One thing is for sure, I'm glad I'm not Hilary Clinton!
<p>Thank you Counting for your thoughts. It's very comforting to know that there is someone else who has walked a mile in my shoes. Your thoughts are valued!

May be it's not really relevant for me to write here as I'm not really sure if my husband is involoved with anyone else but I can feel that he's getting so far away from me that it leaves only one thought in mind. I've tried asking him but he wouldn't talk about the reasons behind his being so distant from me and our family. I've recently printed the emotional needs questionnaire thinking he might feel more comfortable WRITING his thoughts rather than face me with them but he laughed at me and said "I don't think this is the way to solve anything". How can I get him to cooperate with me to reach a solution?? I feel rejected and unloved. It's very painful to feel that one person is making all the effort at making a marriage work while the other remains ignorant to that person's needs and isn't willing to show the slightest effort at it.
<p>He knows how much I love him, how much I enjoy his company, how I love looking at him smile, how I love to hear him laugh...how much I miss him! I don't know how else I can get him back.

Jorge,
<br>You ended your post with, "Anyone out there, please help". So many of the posts here end with pleas like this. I am replying, not because I can help you, but because I know your pain.
<br>Today my wife and I had three and a half hours with the kids gone. We made love then went out to Starbucks for coffee. Then we went shopping and she picked up a few items she needed. I got the satisfaction of being with her and paying for everything. I even drove the long routes so I could be with her longer. We haven't been alone together for ages.
<br>But tonight as she goes to be I come in to kiss her goodnight, and it's as if she is reluctant to let me linger. I tell her I really enjoyed being with her today, and she's saying yes as if she understands but doesn't want to let me through this barrier she has erected.
<br>As I said I have no help to offer. I'm still held fast in my own little relational quicksand bog. I simply relate this because you've received no responses as yet and because we both ache to be let into our wive's hearts once again.
<br>Since this has happened to me, since reading some books on marriage and since coming here and reading these posts regularly it seems that we men are so clueless about this matter until we find ourselves in danger of losing our mates. We are just like a deer caught in the headlights.
<br>Groveling? Oh, yes. I have done it. I talked to my sister last night who is going through divorce proceedings now. She said that her lawyer told her that he has seen many a man break down and ball like a baby at his desk, but hardly ever a woman.
<br>Like you I just want my wife back. Yes, she's here in the same house. Unlike your wife she hasn't left, at least not yet. But having her here and not really having her is quite painful at times.
<br>There is something to be learned here, and some have learned it. But it's one of those lessons truly learned in the fire. I have by no means learned it yet, and frankly I'm scared to death.
<br>Keep writing those letters and reaching out for your wife every way you can until she either comes back or you know it's over. It does happen. It's the uncertainty that's a killer. But I know of no way around it. Take care and hang in there.

Lee,
<br>Since you're talking about college I assume you're probably pretty young, even though I know people of all ages go to college.
<br>I once had a situation similar to yours when I was around 19 or 20.
<br>I knocked myself out to show this beautiful girl how crazy about her I was. She did like me and we wrote a lot of letters back and forth. But when it cmae down to it I was not able to convinve her to let go of her fears.
<br>A friend who was a little more world wise than me at the time told me I had better be prepared to watch this one walk. That's precisely what happened and for a while I was in a real funk over it.
<br>Don't you know that after I finally moved on psychologically that the girl came to the point, after another guy treated her badly, that she decided I was a prime catch. But by that time I could not rekindle the flame after I had gone through such a time putting it out.
<br>Then I met my present wife, and I thank God I nver kooked up with the other girl. I'm not saying you won't. I'm just telling you that even if you can't get things going with her it won't be the end of the world though it might feel like it.

Lee,
<br>Since you're talking about college I assume you're probably pretty young, even though I know people of all ages go to college.
<br>I once had a situation similar to yours when I was around 19 or 20.
<br>I knocked myself out to show this beautiful girl how crazy about her I was. She did like me and we wrote a lot of letters back and forth. But when it cmae down to it I was not able to convinve her to let go of her fears.
<br>A friend who was a little more world wise than me at the time told me I had better be prepared to watch this one walk. That's precisely what happened and for a while I was in a real funk over it.
<br>Don't you know that after I finally moved on psychologically that the girl came to the point, after another guy treated her badly, that she decided I was a prime catch. But by that time I could not rekindle the flame after I had gone through such a time putting it out.
<br>Then I met my present wife, and I thank God I never kooked up with the other girl. I'm not saying you won't. I'm just telling you that even if you can't get things going with her it won't be the end of the world though it might feel like it.