And very well put!!!!! I agree wholeheartedly. You cannot love someone and hurt them with an affair which I have found the most painful hurt I have ever experienced.
<p>Kathy

kenpoman,
<br> l can understand how you feel,both in feeling guilty because it seems only *shallow people would feel like you do,and yet feeling guilt because you DO feel that way,but don't want to think of yourself as a bad person. l can tell you that you are only human and admitting how you feel is a great step. My only advice is to do it in a very tender and noncondescending way,which is extremely difficult. l feel like an expert in this because in one way l WAS your wife,yet in another feel the same as you do.
<br> l come from a very thin family and was thin myself until my late 20's. When l first met my H l was only 20 and he 18. He comes from an obese family and was slightly overweight when l met him and l never told him this,but it did take me awhile to get past that and love him. l know he was very self-conscious, shy,and embarrassed because of it,and yet he has put up defenses that make him see overweight people as weak and lazy,including his family.
<br>Now since he has been in the AF for 14 yrs he has had to always maintain a proper weight,but it is always a struggle and he freuquently has to lose 10 lbs in a month before a weigh-in. As for myself,l began to gain weight while going through yrs of infertility. Probably compounded by the drugs and feelings of failure. By the time l did finally have my first child l had doubled my weight. Pretty sad for a 5'4" 110 woman. then l found myself pg again only 4 months after l had my son and from then on life was pretty hectic. After a few yrs my H started making comments about my weight and lack of doing anything about it. l must say that sent me even further into denial and the abyss l had created. Basically l hated myself,but the hurt l felt inside from his words helped build the wall that prevented me from allowing myself to even *think about how l really felt. Yet,he never withdrew from our sex life,still wanted it all the time and didn't act like it bothered him,but it did me,so although l always went along whenever he wanted,l never initiated things myself,or got as into it as l used to.l think he took that as a sort of rejection of himself,although we never discussed it.
<br>Needless to say he ended up having an affair while he was in Korea(l won't go into the details here as l already have in the infidelity forum) when l first confronted him with my suspisions he denied them,but finally said he was unhappy with us and wasn't sure if it was what he wanted anymore. He said l had let myself go so much,and although that sounds so cold and shallow he couldn't help but feel that way. That it made him feel like l didn't care at all about his feelings and since he grew up with obese parents he knows how horrible that is when the kids get teased and embarrassed because of it.Of course l was shattered and crushed,thinking how could my H be so cruel,but it truly was a revelation for me. He is not the only person in the world to feel that way. l knew my family did. l didn't want old friends to see the way l had become so l distanced myself from everyone. l realized this was my battle and only l could fight it and that couldn't start until l stopped feeling sorry for myself and hating myself. That was in Jan and l am happy to say l now weigh 140 lbs and at least 10 of that is added muscle that l never had even when thin.
<br>l know for myself,it was the affair that made me open my eyes,but in reality we cannot lose weight for anyone other than ourselves,and your wife won't be able to until she is truly ready. l know it is a hard battle,but she can overcome it with time.

What you say is true, i shouldn't be a door mat, but at this point it is hard for me to get stern, and ask him to do this, but i also am a little scared that he will never want to see me again, i know i sound like a little kid, but i do think the time will come when i will have to lay down the line. I would like to know how long you have been married, and if you used such a harsh approach with your husband??? If so it would be easier to take such advice, but i asked for it and you are only trying to help. I need to develope some grit. I am one who doesn't like confrontation. You are oviousley a very strong woman, and a envy you. Thanks for your advice, and in time i believe i will have to face reality. I would also like to know if your husband told you about his affair, my husband denied having an affair back in April when this all started. And i sometimes would like to ask him to be truthful to me, and tell me if he has had an affair, or if he has or is having feelings for someone else. And then i go back to thinking if i don't ask him it will eventially come out in the end, or so i think that he will feel quilty, or someone i can really believe will tell me. Sometimes i just want the thoughts to go away, keeping busy helps with that. I have carried on enough, and i know i still seeml pitiful, but i guess it is still to soon to be tough. Thanks again for your tough love approach, some day i will look back at this and go "She was right" Mac Mab

Bruce,
<p>I think it is possible that some people use this as an excuse to avoid the deeper issues but there are some who have no other way to describe what it is they are feeling. I have love for close friends, family, and my children but I am not in love with them. It is very possible to fall "out" of love with your spouse and yet still have feelings for them as a friend. I think this happens with people who break up with boy/girl friends and yet stay very close to them as friends because though they are not "in" love with them they do still love them.
<p>After all I have been through with my H I would say that loving but not being "in" love with my spouse fits. How can one go through six years of being the only one trying to make the relationship work and maintain the feeling of being "in" love? I haven't because being "in" love has to come from both sides. I do still love my H though. That is why I am still here and trying to make it work. As you can see I am not trying to use it as an excuse to end my marriage just to explain where my marriage is at this point in time.
<p>I hope things with your wife improve. I think given time her computer time will cut itself back. I've seen many people become obsessed with online chatting only to taper off after time. There were days I couldn't get my H away from chatting even with a fire in the house. Now he never chats at all. For most people it is a phase. My prayers are with you.
<p>Steph