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#657943 03/31/00 12:33 AM
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I'd like to hear from some others about your experiences dating after dealing with a spouse's infidelity.<P>I've been dating someone who is also going through a divorce, but infidelity was not a factor in his marriage. I find that trust issues are so overpowering, it almost makes the relationship unworkable. I'm constantly looking for signs that he's about to dump me. I don't feel like I can even trust my own perceptions/intuition. After all, I was pretty wrong about my H! <P>I require constant reassurance. The slightest hint of untruthfullness is a major catastrophe (example -- telling me he wants to go out to dinner when he really has a bad headache). <P>I really enjoy his company, but sometimes I feel like a total basketcase! Can anyone out there relate to this?

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Yes. I briefly dated someone a couple of months after the divorce. I broke up with him after about a month or so for the same reasons you mentioned. Any little thing would make me suspicious, and I'm not normally a jealous person. We are still kinda friends now. It is clear now that we were completely uncompatible.<P>I realized it was way too soon for me to start dating. There was no way I could make a realistic decision about anybody in the state I was in. I have guy friends that I hang out with (girlfriends too), but dating is out for me for a very long time...<P>Just a suggestion:<BR>I realized that what I was missing was affection and touch, and I wasn't emotionally ready to feel safe. I go have massages regularly and get lots of hugs from friends. That helps alot. If you could identify the reason why you are dating right now, and perhaps find a way to replace it with something more emotionally safe, you might feel better.<P>It is pretty dangerous to be dating right now, IMO. If this man turns out to be a jerk, it will set you way back in your healing.

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I waited to date until I was sure it was over..<BR>Have been out with three different men, all ones I knew during marriage...one I had known for 10 yrs, he has been divorced for three after 27 yrs of marriage and infidelity on his wifes part. <BR>I have been dating him only the past 2 months...I enjoy his company a great deal, have no interest at this time to see anyone else, but am very wary of any commitment..I am just afraid of going through this again.. I am sure after some time has passed, I will want to marry again, but it is way too soon right to even think about it now. <BR>Since I have known this person a long time, I feel he is sincere about his feelings for me. And he is 51, enjoyed marriage and wants that kind of relationship once again.He knows I have a lot till to deal with and is not pushing for anything. <P>------------------<BR>Susan

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I've only had one date and that was 3 weeks ago. I did have fun and would like to go out with her again, but getting a date with her is starting to seem like work were you are trying to set a meeting with 4 people and your are trying to juggle schedules. <P>Right now she doesn't seem willing to get a babysitter to go out and her x travels and she said he would be gone the next two weeks. <P>I'm a little more flexible in that I will get a baby sitter. Also My timing calling her has been lousy. Her kids are younger than mine and go to bed earlier, then by the time i get mine to bed and call her she is in bed.<P>At this point I'm not sure its worth the trouble. I jut found out last night that my x wants the kids tommorrow nite so I may try with her tommorow but it doesn't look promising. I do have a back up plan though.

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Student- yeah, I wonder about whether its a good idea. But I think overall it has been a necessary step for me. I needed to know that it was possible -- that there are decent men out there who will find me attractive and enjoy my company. I feel less stuck in the "victim" role, and I think that has been important in moving on. <P>sue -- it sounds like you have found someone good. The guy I'm with is a sweet guy who is going through his own divorce turmoil. In that sense, he is "safe" because we can share some of this hell without a lot of pressure to move too quickly. <P>RWD -- the scheduling thing is tough! The guy I'm seeing doesn't have kids, and he doesn't seem to appreciate the difficulties of scheduling babysitters, etc. He's always happy to do something at the last minute, but doesn't plan ahead of time. It can be very frustrating. I'm learning, though. I think that in future relationships I need to set very clear expectations up front.

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Dear A,<P>Yes it is hard to trust again. Just go at your own pace. It is not something you can rush. I also had to just let go and have fun with it and stop making it such a big deal. Dating should be fun and exploratory not heavy and deep. <P>If you need reassurance then ask for it. If it can't be given then let go. Not too hard. You just have to trust that you are a worthy and lovable person. <P>Take care,<P>Gerri

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After a year and a half of going through ups and downs I have tried the dating scene. My problem, if I don't hear from them, I become distrusting...they're seeing someone else, they really don't like me, yatta yatta yatta. The real truth is that I'm not ready, but yearn for attention, someone to love me and want me. I guess we all need to give ourselves time to love ourselves first. I wish I knew how to love myself and know my real worth in this life.

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bev1124,<BR>I had the same kind of feelings as you. It helps me to think about outings with the opposite sex not as "dates". That way, there are no expectations. Furthermore, I think that if a guy has got his "paws" on you early on, then his intentions aren't exactly noble.<BR>So, it helps me in both respects. I weed out the people I probably wouldn't want even as friends (i.e. guys looking for an easy, short-term sexual fling), and I meet some interesting people. <P>If someone says they are going to call and don't (male or female), then they aren't exactly trustworthy. Ask yourself what you would expect from a girlfriend. If a guy can't even meet the requirements you would have for a girlfriend, why would you consider being intimate with them?<P>Animac,<BR>Ok, just so you are clear what you are getting out of dating. <P>There is no need for you to "push" yourself to trust anyone. All you have to go on right now is that you aren't feeling trustful. That is completely normal. <P>Given your recent divorce, it will be harder to figure out where it is coming from. If the guy you are dating is willing to reassure you and give you the time you need to recover, then more power to him. <p>[This message has been edited by TheStudent (edited April 01, 2000).]

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I don't put that much into it. That's a mistake I put into dating before. I have gone out with multiple women since IT. I call, they call, we talk. It's called friendship. <P>For me, that's coming first this time. I guess I don't feel so needy anymore. I did before I got married, during, and sure as hell, right after. But I fought it and waited. I got to be me again, suffered through it awhile. Now, I'm glad I did. I like to go out and have fun, with no pretenses (sp?). I'm not gonna run from something that may develope with one of them, but I'll take the time to to let things prove themselves. <P>I don't want to be with someone who needs me THAT much. When we hook up with someone that WANTS us that much, I think it's destined to fail. I'd like to be with someone who is just themselves, and doesn't depend on perceptions of what I do for them as their identity or happiness. I think a majority of folks who get married (like ourselves, men & women), do it for what <b>they'll</b> get out of it. I was a good husband, proud of my W, proud of my family. Happiest when I was doing things with them. My focus in life was my W and family. I was more than content with just being a husband and dad. For whatever reason, my XW was not. The fault lies with me for not recognizing that before I got married. <P>I look back and, frankley, I was guilty of looking forward to BEING a husband and dad... for what I would get. I looked past the flaws in character in my XW and figured we'd "work those things out". How many of us that are here now have seen the same. Now, those of you who are convinced you didn't make a poor choice in the first place, those who were just plain wronged in your D, don't jump all over me. I am of the opinion that we are not all as guiltless as we pertain to be here. I also think that coming to grips with the fact that our spouse/Xspouse is not satan himself, is a big step in becoming the people we know we can be. <P>Personally, I tried a shortcut. I was 27, successful, she was pretty and personable; what more did I need? I was ready, I wanted to take care of a W and family. Who wouldn't want a H like me? It's not "who wouldn't?" it's "who's ready?". She wasn't and may never will be. I F'd up, I was looking for what was in it for me, so did she. A recipe for divorce.<P>Anywho... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<BR>Eric

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Hi Animac -<P>I know that it is waaaaay to soon for me to start anything with anyone..<BR>...whether it is a "date" or friendship or whatever! Anything with a guy would remind me of H at this point and would ultimately prove to take a lot more out of me than it would "give" me. And that is from someone who really hasn't had any self-esteem issues, etc.<P>I think it's more of needing an "alone" time to redefine myself from "wife" mode! I can't go to single mode so quick!!!! I don't think I would want to even if I could. This fits in with what you said Bev.....you need to discover who is really inside the "wife" shell!<P>Time is needed for some self discovery and healing and independance. Learn your own desires and needs before you can have the strength and knowledge to tell another guy what they are, let alone fill his......<P>As long as you look at this dating as a transitional stage and not as the "next" one.....you should be able to take what you need from it in terms of healing and growth and come away without further hurt and trauma. <P>Just keep in mind the 1-3 year guideline before a new relationship would really be an advantage to you....<P>Big Hugs,<P>Sheba

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Animac,<P>I agree with Students first comments on this one. I am here to offer some of my "experience" in this matter.<P>I started dating very soon after. It was scary in the beginning. It doesn't bother me now.<P>I take time to do plenty of things on my own. But I also have no problem with going to dinner and a movie(which I pay my share) and meeting someone new. <P>I am not looking for a H right now. Or someone to fill a void, I am learning how to date after ten years, and I can't do that if I don't get out there and just do it.<P>I agree, too soon, is not the best answer though. I could have waited, but I am really no better or worse, just wiser for doing it.<P>It takes time. I agree that Bob too though. If it takes way too much work, its not worth it. If it falls into place, it is much better.<P>Good luck<P>

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I really think it just depends on a lot of issues. All of the men I dated I had already known, so it wasn't like meeting someone and not knowing anything about them. One of them was where I was, in he was just divorced, and actually we talked a lot about our x's...kind of cathartic!!!<BR>This last guy, though, he is pretty nice. Do I wish I had started dating him a year from now?? Well, I may have more things worked out by then, but am really glad to have him now. I have been very open about where I am right now...if he is still here a year from now, then it was meant to be, I suppose. <BR>To be honest, I like the company of men, I enjoy being a couple, but can be by myself as well. I didn't marry till I was 28, so I had a lot of single experiences in my 20's. I am not interested in the bar scene, and want someone who is just as happy staying at home, watching a movie and a good bottle of wine as going out on the town!!<P>------------------<BR>Susan

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Thanks for everyone's experiences and suggestions. <P>I keep hearing that a year post-divorce makes sense. But I've already been separated for 15 months, so it's not like I'm rushing into anything. At the same time, I know that I won't really be able to move on until the divorce is a reality. <P>I'm not looking for another H. In some ways I consider myself to be lucky. So many women my age (33) are ready to marry the next guy that comes along just because the biological clock is ticking. I've already got two kids and don't want any more. So I can afford to take my time and be picky. With my children so young (5 and 1) they take a lot of my time and energy. Someday I hope to marry again, but I see that as being a ways out. <P>Still, I much prefer having someone to go to the movies with when my H has the kids rather than sitting at home feeling sorry for myself! <P>It helps sometimes just to view my current "friendship" as an experiment. Dealing with some of these feelings of mistrust, etc., is worthwhile. But the stakes aren't high (since he doesn't exist as far as my kids are concerned).

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Student,<BR>I like your outlook on things. I think that is where I need to be too. <P>Eric,<BR>I agree with you too. I thought the same way you did, not realizing x wanted more. At least she never told me. I too overlooked her poorer qualities and I guess I thought I can fix them. I'm starting to believe her when she said way back last year when she said this maybe her actual personality as opposed to the one she showed me after we were married.

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Looking back, I got involved with my second husband after he had been broken up from a 5 yr relationship only six months. At the time, I had been divorced from my first husband for about 3 years. I think I was ready. However, my second H wasn't ready, IMO. <P>Most of his insecurities and jealousy of me were completely unfounded. In retrospect, he was just going through the normal period of adjustment that everyone goes through after a long-term relationships ends, and it had nothing to do with me. This is another reason why I won't be getting involved too soon. For some silly reason, I thought I could "help him". <P>Now I steer clear of men who cut me down in the slightest. Getting sexually involved with someone too soon tends to make people gloss over the little and not-so-little hints we receive early on. <P>I'm attaching a little advice my 34 year old, never been married friend gave me. She is very attractive, has lots of guy friends and never a boring weekend.<P>"The beauty of those who <BR>did it gently was that they always left a shadow of doubt as to whether or <BR>not it was just bad timing.<P>So then, the trick is pretty logical... but requires a little creativity for <BR>each individual case. The objective is to send out the "I'm not available" <BR>signal WITHOUT sending the "I don't want YOU" signal. In your case it <BR>should be relatively easy because you really don't want to be involved with <BR>anybody... so it truly won't be a rejection of the specific individual.<P>Okay... a few basic pointers... unless you are absolutely cornered (like <BR>they are in the process of trying to kiss you), never let on that you know <BR>they are interested... if they think you're oblivious to their intentions, <BR>then they can't feel rejected later. This one will get you a lot further <BR>than you might expect. If the ante is raised, then you will need to get <BR>creative... the most effective way I've found for dealing with that <BR>situation is to talk to them about some random topic the way you would talk <BR>to a good friend (pretend you're talking to a woman if you have to)... a lot <BR>of times they pick up on the tone... the "good friend" tone... without ever <BR>having to say, "Hey, I like you as just a friend"... if you feel that's not <BR>working... then segway (spelling?) into a topic that makes it clear you are <BR>unavailable... but again, never direct it at them... for instance, "You <BR>know, I don't know if I've thought to tell you how much I enjoy our <BR>friendship... it's really nice to have a good guy friend to get a different <BR>perspective on things."<P>Anyway... at that point, it's really more based on creativity... in some <BR>cases I find it easiest to lightly chat about my dating life as if it never <BR>occurred to me that they would mind hearing about it. (Or in your case, <BR>chatting about how good it feels to just take a break from the emotional <BR>nonsense that goes along with dating.)<P>So there's the trick... send the message that you're unavailable without <BR>making them feel rejected. For your current situation, all you have to do <BR>it pretend they are girls, and chat to them the same way... including your <BR>sincere non-interest in dating... and you should have no problem!"<BR><p>[This message has been edited by TheStudent (edited April 03, 2000).]


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