Hi all,<P>I received the manual and now can go to court and sign the divorce papers. 19 years all divided neatly and civily. I am alot sadder than I thought I would be. I am spending the evening with my two great kids, 18 (son) and 9(daughter) and feel really alone. <P>I have had severe depression throughout this whole process and have kept it in careful check with meds and counseling. I am afraid to even look sad around my kids because of the nightmares I put them through when this all started. I hope that reaching out here I can get thru this hump in the road. <P>The actual document was a huge piece of work. I am so blessed I will never have to worry about finances ever again. My ex workes for a company that even the government thinks is a monopoly, he has been there awhile, and this is a community property state, so needless to say I should be jumping for joy. Funny how money will never make you happy. It will take away many of the stresses of day to day life and ease the burden that most people have to deal with. But it will never ever make you happy!!!!<P>Trust is always going to be an issue with me. I will never trust that I am accepted for me and only me and not for what I have. My h has a similiar problem. It is a funny thing to have to worry about. I know that I will have to be the one to show up to court and talk to the judge. I am not motivated to rush to that event at all. I think that my h has checked out of our relationship. Except for telling me how much "our" net worth is on a day to day basis. He seems really shallow at times. Im like "ours" we haven't lived together for 2 years what is the "ours" about.<P>Anyway, I feel very, very sad. I don't even want to reach out to my boyfriend. It is a hard thing for him to understand. I worked and prayed and wished for so long for a reconciliation and I feel like it is never going to happen now. I am thinking the OW is waiting to get married. Oh well I guess I will have my pity party and then go to church in the morning and ask for God's guidance and then I have a party to attend. It is a Kate Spade sample party. Half off the new spring line. Gotta love that. Im sure that should perk me up. Im going with my four best girlfriends and everyone is excited to shop!!!! Women we are really scarry sometimes.<P>Ger<P>

Limerick, I just wanted to congratulate you on keeping your head up. I have also fought with bouts of depression so please be careful! I know how serious it can get and it is good that you are speaking with meds. Good luck Limerick,

I am sorry to read about your receipt of the final property settlement papers. I was talking to a friend the other day who divorced about 20 years ago, and thinking about it still makes her sad to think about it, although she has been remarried for years. <P>I agree that money will never make you happy, but lack of it can certainly make you miserable. It's importance became blatantly obvious to me when my H said after he left that he couldn't separate his feelings about our finances from his feelings about me.

Limerick:<P>I'm sure it must be painful to actually see the end in sight. It does represent the end of a dream. Endings are difficult. When the decree is granted will probably be a difficult time too. You have been with your husband for virtually all your adult life.<P>On the other hand, I want to remind you that this man hasn't been a husband to you in quite some time. You deserve more and have found more. Your husband's selfishness has extended the divorce process far longer than necessary, which is again quite thoughtless in regard to you. Many times you have written how much better off you are without him.<P>My guess is what you mourn today is NOT THE MAN, but the fact that the marriage didn't work out. You mourn that your husband wasn't what you thought. You mourn that 19 years of your life were spent with someone that was selfish and shallow. Those are major things to mourn, but they will pass.<P>In a few days, I predict you will appreciate again what you have now TO LOOK FORWARD TO. You have your freedom. You have a good boyfriend. You have plenty of money. You have A LIFE AHEAD OF YOU. You are no longer shackeled in a draining situation.<P>I suggest indulging yourself the next few days and trying to look at the bright side. This is really what you wanted. All new beginnings occur at endings. Keep in touch. You have a great life.

Distressed,<P>Oh woman of great wisdom. I pray for you everyday because you are a person with great depth and intelligence and deserve so much better than what you have received.<P>Yes I do mourne the marriage. Yes it is another loss for me much like my mothers and fathers death. Yes I will feel bettter about it down the road, like I did with my parents. I still feel alone in the world. But I do have someone who is a great friend and companion that I am dating. <P>Thats the other problem, I hate dating. I want more but am so scared of ever, ever doing that again. I know that I push him away, because of my fear or lack of trust.<P>Well, dear I am hoping that your life will get back on track and maybe one day we will meet. If you ever want to visit Seattle and get away. This is a fun town to visit. Take care,<P>GP