Hi! This is my second post to MB. I replied to Tyra's subject on custody. I will go over my situation. My husband left last Sept. after I found out about his affair. He met his OW at 30yr high school reunion. (I didnt go he said it would be boring for me)! They are both 49 and I am 36. We have been married 11yrs and have a 9yr old son. Im a homemaker. I was a flight attendant for 6yrs but quit when our son was little. H says that me not working is part of the problem. (I quit at his insistance) The OW is married(2nd time same as my H, her H just found out 2wks ago, found my H emails.) she is a school teacher, has a 21yr son and here's the real wild part: she had a liver transplant 5yrs ago! You'd think she would be doing better things with her 2nd chance on life besides tearing my family apart!! It has been quite a hard slam on my self-esteem to be left for a woman 13years older than myself and as ill as she is. <BR>I found her shirt in my H luggage back in Sept. He left for 2 days than came home saying it was over. Well, she called just as he was trying to convince me it was done. We fought and he trashed our house. He is now on probation for domestic violence for doing this. He says "What kind of W would have called police on her H over this!"<BR>He spent Thanksgiving in Fl with OW at her dying Mom's condo.They used her as cover so her husband wouldn't know! They also spent Christmas together. Both times he didnt call our son. Sent him an email for Thanksgiving. He gets with her once a month for a few days either in Fl or Chicago where she lives. H last week asked me to just have a legal seperation instead of divorce. He wants to quit job and move to Florida with her this summer to see if its true love or a fantasy! All my family is in this town in Fl as a coincidence. H thinks we should all move there! If its not true love than we can get back together. OH Boy!! If it is love than he will change seperation to divorce. Some great choice for me and my s. I told him no way!! We live in AZ and I will stay here as to move back home to make it easy for them. In the fall she goes back to Chicago to teach. She has to since she needs her insurance to survive. Anti-rejection meds are EXPENSIVE!! H claims he will stay in Fl while she goes back north! Its all crazy!!! I've been told she probably doesnt have that many more years left, before her body gives out. Transplant patients dont live out regular lives. She will get very sick first than reject new liver. I dont think this is anything my S should have to be around. He doesnt want anything to do with her and has told his Dad this. H just gets mad and says I am turning him against him. He is doing that all by himself! H blames me for EVERYTHING!! We seperated over 3yrs ago for 3mos. We were living in Vegas and he was drinking and gambling with his brother almost every night! I couldnt take it and left. He now says that I abandoned him when he needed my support. He told me to leave and "get a f**cking life". He was too busy building a business w/brother to bother with me. Sorry this so long. So much to tell.<BR>I dont know why this is so hard for me. When I read my own story it sounds terrible. Why would anyone want to be with this man? But, I for better or worse love him. I think he has some real mental problems and needs help. I suppose it could be a MLC. I have been in counseling since Oct. my son sees her about once a month too. H is only one not in counseling. My counselor saw him once with me back in Oct. He was heartless and cold and said he never loved me!<BR>So, I want sole custody of our son. I feel H is only worried about his own selfish wants and is unable to be a good father to our son while he is doing all this crazyness. Atty. says I wont get it. I dont want S around all their insanity. I could sure use some advice on how to deal with this mess. Oh, he now hasnt paid me support in over 5 weeks. He is just being mean. He knows I have money in savings and is letting me use it up. Suggestions on how to cope?<P><BR>

TTLG,<P>Our stories are similar in a few ways! I am 30 and my H is 32. He is an abusive alcoholic. He left me and our 3 sons for the OW in December. He now lives with her. He was giving me money until February and then it stopped. He at first stopped it because I wouldn't let the OW do our taxes and then his attorney told him that legally he didn't have to give me anything. Oh, and the OW is about 13 years older than me.<P>I filed for divorce in March and we have a hearing to decide temporary support on the 14th. I have been a stay at home mom for 10 1/2 years, ( he never wanted me to work). <P>It's really hard to cope with all of this. I know what you mean about still loving them. I still love my H but I know because of the violence, I am going to be better off. But it is still hard. <P>Keep posting here. you will find a lot of what you need, love and support. This forum actually saved my life.<P>(((((HUGS)))))<BR>Mitzi<P>P.S. I am also trying to get restricted visitations so that my children don't have to be around the OW. She has said some nasty stuff about them and she is a drug dealer. Oh, and a man was shot last year because she was involved with 2 men at the same time!! She's a lovely person!!

TTLG,<BR>I also know how difficult this is for you.<BR>If your H is willing to a legal seperation.<BR>Go for it. I wish mine would consider it.<BR>If you stay in Ariz, you won't have to worry about visits as often, or your S being around OW.<BR>Read all you can on this board. It has helped me through some really bad times. I know it will continue to help and is a great sourse for finally letting go. Reaffirms for me what I want in a marrige. What I'm getting is not it. Especially since I had it for 27 or our 28 years.<BR>The wrongs that have been done can always be righted.(If that's a word) Only when our H's decide that is what they want too. If not then as hard as it is. It's time to move on.<BR>If they ever want to come back, will it be too late? I hope not...but time does have a way of healing the hurt. At least that's what I've heard.<BR>I applaude all of those that betrayed or were betrayed and still choose to be here and ask for help in rebuilding their marriage. I hope they succeed. Unfortunantily I never had the chance.<BR>

Mitzi,<BR>I have been following your story for awhile. We do have alot in common. I hope I can have the visitation restricted too. It is so hard but, it does help having people to talk to. It is different knowing the hugs are for myself! Let's all hang in there! Thanks for writing!<P>Tyra,<BR>I would do the seperation but, I think he feels I will not go for as much assets that way. We sold our business last May, and we finally didn't have to struggle anymore. I believe he feels I wouldn't demand as much if I thought there was a chance at reconcilliation. He says we can avoid a war this way. He has tried to use my being still emotionally tied to the marriage against me. It's really sad. I agree staying in AZ will make it easier to be away from all this mess. Except, it will be awful to send my son alone across the country to those two awful people. He's scared to death to go alone, and face them by himself. We'll see what happens. Thanks for caring.<BR>

Dear TTLG,<P>Well we certainly share something in common. My H also left with someone from his class when they were working on their 30 year reunion. Seems he always had a "thing" for her and finally got it after 30 years.<P>They both deny it's a MLC, but I know for him, it's a fantasy come true. <P>Two families broken forever, but they have each other and only eyes for each other I guess. When will the fantasy end? Don't know and can't control anyway.<P>It's ironic, she didn't give him the time of day in school, but has his undivided time now. <P>Sad time for my family and me; it's been over a year that this has been going on. Wish I could tell you it gets better. I know it does, but I invested over 29 years with him and I just can't close the door on our life like he did.<P>I know how you feel. Betrayal is ugly and takes away everything. Time heals, just wish we could speed it up a little faster.

Bev,<P>Wow, what goes on at these 30yr reunions? I believe they are reliving their youth. My son tells me Dad has a bunch on 60's CD's in his car. He even is listening to the music from their past. It has to be MLC. The fantasy is way out there. These two weren't romantic in school either. Although, he says she always wished he didn't have his girlfriend that he had during school. She must have had a crush on him in school.<BR>Mine has done the same thing devestated two marriages.<BR>You KNOW its a fantasy. What person thinking clearly would do what they are doing? But, how long will it go on for and how long are you going to wait? <BR>Thanks for responding, the coincidence is interesting!!! I'm so sorry for the pain you are going thru; I believe time will help ease the pain but it cannot ever remove it. We'll just learn to accept. <P>Lisa