Hi friends,<P>I'd like to start by saying I was feeling real left out lately on the other board. Somehow I missed the fact that this new forum was here. When I arrived, I saw all my familiar names and felt much better.<P>It has been only 3 short months since Xmas. SO much has happened, its unbelievable. I still can't believe my H had an affair, can't believe he did it behind my back. Every once in a while, I still find a little clue that it was going on before Xmas. I can't believe that I BELIEVED that he met her 3 days before he left. How naive and foolish we are when we're in shock.<P>Well, I was on a rollercoaster with him for the first month. He wasn't sure what he wanted. SOmehow , he decided by giving me Valentine's Day divorce papers. As if leaving on XMas wasn't bad enough.<P>Well I was in pain but shortly after, reality set in. MY H cheated on me. He lied to me. He stold from me. He hurt me, deliberately. He threatened me and he manipulated me to get what he wanted.<P>I rebounded a few times. I am not saying it was right or wrong, but at the time, I got through one of the worst moments in my life, so maybe it wasn't that bad. I still don't know what I think of all that. But its honestly the least of my worries.<P>My children are a mess. My oldest, has been manipulated by her dad something awful. The middle daughter, is still favored, the baby is a wreck. My oldest has situational depression. Found out yesterday. I am boggled because both older girls have straight A's in school. <P>I am seeing someone right now. Not sure what to make of it. Going to go slow this time. Very slow. But I refuse to sit here and be lonely and miserable, the companionship is nice. Why should I sit here and be miserable when I don't have to be.<P>Some odd things have happened. Once I came home and H and OW were at my house. He claimed he wanted some golf clubs and shorts. He left her in car and was super nice to me for about fifteen minutes. Seems they were fighting and I am sure he used me to make her jealous. I didn't care either way. He said he almost left her once a few weeks ago over her child again too. He found pictures of OW and other men and he posted them on her fridge and they fought. It is not all paradise for them anymore . LOL<P>I am getting on with life. The divorce is becoming ugly, he has a cut throat lawyer who wants to get me badly. I am paying all the bills by myself. Child support just became regular, and I just got a temporary order for some money towards the credit he abandon. $40 a week roughly. But left with thousands of debt. But you know I am surviving, on my own, and I am confident that I can do this for the rest of my life. <P>Deep down, I still love my ex. I am sure I always will. For some twisted reason. He actually asked me a few weeks ago if I'd go to dinner with him in Oct on our wedding anniversary.<P>I think he has lost his mind. I plan on spending the night out, but not with him.<P>I have been very confused, and almost numb but I am trying to make good decisions and think about the future. I am taking care of me and the girls and we're used to it.<P>Just wanted to update you all on my story. There is more to it, but this is getting long. All I can say is those of you that have emailed me privately, have helped me tremendously. <P>I just wanted to say hi to all the familiar people and to those who are new here, I am sorry to see you wound up here like us, but we are all here to help each other.<P>Prayers and hugs, Dana<P><BR> <P>

Dana,<P>Wanted to stop in and say Hi and give you a great big (((((HUG)))))!<P>I know about the closure thing. I'm having a really hard time with that. I have days still that I get so sad all I do is cry. And then I have days that I'm just mad all day and at everyone. <P>I spend my days reflecting on my marriage. The good times and the bad times. I do still love my H. I know that! And as bad as my marriage was, I'm afraid that if he wanted to come home I wouldn't be strong enough to say no. <P>I haven't slept in our bedroom since he left. There's still a lot of his stuff there. I went in the other day to start packing some of it up and couldn't do it. It hurt too much. So for now, I'm still on the couch.<P>Sometimes I think if I did have a rebound relationship, it might help me move on. But then I hate to take the chance on getting myself into the same situation I was in with my H. It's scary. <P>So, as you can see, I don't have a lot of advice to offer. We are basically in the same boat. Going thru all of this at almost the same time.<P>Just hang in there and take care of you and the girls!<P>Mitzi

Mitzi,<P>Try to pack his stuff up and return to your bedroom. It took me a few months to pack things up, just did that a few weeks ago actually. I found some things I didn't care to find, however, it had to be done. <P>Positives, more dressers in my room for me, more closet space, don't have to see his constant reminders. Even subconsciensely, seeing his slippers on the side of the bed, were killing me.<P>You will feel better afterwards, even though its hard.<P>Well thanks for popping in to say hi. And thanks for the hugs.<P>Dana<P>

Dana,<P>Doesn't it just stink that we have to become better people because our til death do us part spouce crapped all over those vows. I'm with you on the I will survive and even thrive front. I know I am deserving of a <B>faithful</B> wife. I love my W also but my disgust is so bad some days I get physicly ill. <P>I don't know the infidelity laws in NY but here in NC she isn't entitled to anything accept an squitable distrabution of the marrital properties. Do you have an attorney? I would suggest going for the abandonment issue, and get every dime of alamony the state will allow. F-him he doesn't deserve to live like he has no responcibilities.MHO of course.<P>Hang in there.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Lonelymom, <BR>I am not sure you ever get past it all, it just gets easier with time....I don't have any feelings left for my X, other than occasional pangs of, what if??<BR>Jusy make sure you take care of yourself, yourkids, and try not to let them suffer. Keep them accessiable to their dad, let them know he loves them. <P>------------------<BR>Susan

Soon after the divorce, I packed up everything that reminded me of him. Pictures, cards, knicknacks, everything.<P>After a few months, I had a burning ceremony in the fireplace. With each picture, card, etc. thrown onto the fire, a little piece of him left me. <P>The next day, I destroyed the other half of the china (we split them). It was fun to hear it break. None of it was done in anger. It was simply "purging the ghosts". When I did those things, any last shred of "what if" left my mind. I knew then, that he'd never be in my life ever again, and it was a good feeling.<P>I tossed out everything he gave me, except the diamond in my wedding ring, which I had made into a necklace. I still have furniture that we had when I was married. I can't afford to purge those things yet, but will in time. I'm moving soon, and will purge yet more things.

If I packed up everything that reminds me of my H, I'd have almost nothing left. I guess I could put everything that reminds me of him in the attic, but the kids probably wouldn't be too happy up there . And if I threw out everything he ever gave me, the dog he gave me for Christmas 4 years ago probably wouldn't appreciate it. <P>There is no possibility of closure when you have kids together, and/or when you have been married for a quarter of a century.

You crack me up Nellie!! I see your sense of humor is returning <P>You know, one of the reasons why I chose not to have kids is because I never wanted to do it alone. Because I could never guarantee that, of course, I chose not to have them. Funny thing happened. After my divorce, I decided I wanted kids, and now I won't do it any other way but "alone". No one is going to lay claim to my kids, my dogs, or anything else I'm legally/emotionally bound to care for. I have until I'm 45 to adopt a baby, and could wait as long as 55 if I'm willing to adopt an older child.<P>I'll bet you could find something symbolic that would give you closure. The china was very symbolic to me because a) I didn't want to get it in the first place, it was his mom's idea b) The choice of pattern was not my first choice, it was his. It symbolized all the ways I gave in to him, and all the ways he trampled over my needs/opinions. Having my ring reset was also cathartic. Little things do wonders. You might be surprised. I was amazed at how much better I felt after doing those things.

Dana,<P>I'm glad to know I've had company on this roller coaster. Like you, my H destroyed Christmas by running out on me because he couldn't take the stress of being around my family. Then on New Years, he couldn't bring himself to come home since he couldn't face me with all the things that he has done wrong. Then on Valentine's day, he gave me flowers, which appeared to be a good sign. For a few weeks, he told me that he was leaving me and that he just needed time to deal with the stress in his life. But then he just started ignoring me. Now it's April, and he's decided he wants a divorce. Gees, I guess at least the roller coaster is almost over. Hopefully, we can both survive the last big hill.<P>Praying for you!<P>Karel

I'm convinced closure will only come when he is dead or I am dead. It's that simple. I too recently began packing things or throwing things away. Must have thrown 50 cards, beautiful loving cards from him, away. They're gone and so is the marriage. It is very sad and has not been a good week for me. It's like my life is over. <P>But wait, it isn't. I'm still here. Every morning I wake up. So now what do I do? Well, I can continue to grieve, which is a necessary part of moving on. I can get out and have fun, which takes a lot of effort on my part. What do I resist? Why do we resist? Why are we so afraid of letting the past go and having closure? <P>Sometimes I think if I let it go and accept closure then I admit the marriage was wrong and not worth saving. And not for a day did I ever think that. Maybe that's why we can't let go and have closure, because we were always willing to make it work regardless of the pain we have been through and continue to go through. We just couldn't do it alone, but are still trying like hell to do so. It's like closure is the final admission of failure.<P>It's a nasty divorce and unnecessary. And I feel it is by the influence of the OW that things are so nasty.<P>Maybe her death would be closure and his sadness my revenge.<P>I hope someday I think better and healthier thoughts of this situation. Obviously today is not one of those days.<P>

Just a few little things...<P>I redecorated the bedroom. Cheaply, but I got rid of the old bed and purchased a new one, and a new bedspread and curtains and re-arranged all the furniture. I made it very feminine, and took pleasure in the fact that I didn't have to get anyone else's "approval" for my choices. <P>I didn't spend a long time going through his things in the bedroom, I just dumped all the drawers into trash bags and told him to take them the next time he was over. <P>Whenever I come across old cards, love letters, etc., I give them to him. I just put them in with his mail. I don't need the reminders around, but since he is the one "throwing away" the marriage I decided he should take responsibility for throwing these things away as well.

Tegan - I am posting a seperate reply to you<P>Bev - I agree also and know exactly how you feel, its almost how I feel about the closure issue.<P>Animac - That is an excellent way of getting rid of the stuff, I wish I did that, the dresser almost killed me. From now on , I am going to try your method and see how much better I feel. What do you suppose he does with the cards? DO you think he gets mad you give them to him?<BR>

Bev1124,<P>I know what you mean. I've vascillated back and forth with that one alot. ie. was my marriage a mistake or is the divorce a mistake?<P>One of my friends was reading a book called "Soul Mates", which I absolutely hate. This book (and alot of people) just want to say "oh well, sorry it didn't work out" or "it just wasn't meant to be". I say B.S. to all that. It didn't work out because our ex's were lazy and didn't want to do the work that is required of ANY relationship. It was meant to be because we made a life-time commitment, and still WOULD be if our spouses had made different decisions. <P>I put my divorce in the same mental pile as a bad car wreck. You see it coming, you do whatever you can do to get out of the way or keep it from happening, but there is another driver in another car you have no control over. It doesn't mean you are a failure. It means the other person just didn't feel like trying any more. That simple.

Student,<P>You bring up a good point. I do believe in soulmates and fate. But in many of these cases, as far as I see, the other spouse just didnt' feel like trying anymore.<P>99% of the time, its because they have someone else. They weren't so big and brave to walk when there was NO OP were they?? That is where I lose respect for my H.<P>Not once did he mention a problem. He even told me a month before he left how happy he was and would never leave me. SO if we try and give it our best shot, thats all we can do.<P>Dana<BR>

Hi Dana!<P>Well, I'm here so guess what? Yep...getting divorced too. H left (again) and it only took him a week and a half! After he left in January, I slept in my bedroom for a while with his clothes and knick-knacks, etc. But I finally one Saturday got up and said ENOUGH! I packed up all his junk, moved my bedroom around, set out some things I had packed away for lack of room, re-did my closet. It was so cathartic. I feel like its MINE now. My sis is loaning me the money to get the divorce, and to be quite honest, I just want it over with. I want my name back, my life back, my self-esteem back, you name it. I feel good for the first time in a very long time. It's good to see you again!<BR><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Keri,<P>I am so sorry to hear you are here. I was just checking for you the other day. You sound like you are doing well so far.<P>Good for you!<P>I am in a down spot right now, but I am used to it. I am dealing with the divorce as more of a slap in the face, makes the whole affair more real. I hate the courts though, hate this process and the fact that its so soon. It makes me wonder how long the affair went on.<P>Still searching for peace, sometimes I have it, other times I don't. Rollercoaster is far from over, the dips and peaks are just fewer and not as drastic as in the beginning. <P>Prayers are with you, and thanks for saying hi,<BR>Dana<BR>

Dana,<P>In responce to your last reply. you hit the nail squarely on the head.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Gee,<BR> Everyone seems to be over here!Lot of new people on the other board.Sad,isn't it?<BR> Dana,I think you're right about them losing their mind in an affair.About two weeks after my W moved out to be with her BoyToy,she called me up on a Friday night,and wanted to know if I was"dating"yet.You know,getting out and having a good time after annihilating me.They just don't get it,do they?<BR> <BR> Ladies,it really does help to get rid of their things,reminders of trips together,and making it your own place now.I painted the walls,put in much needed new carpet,and hung up some new pictures.Boxed up all her pictures and ones from our travels and buried them in a closet.But something still bothered me,and I realized it was the bedspread,the one we layed on when she told me all about her new love.So like Animac,I bought a new one,and put the old one in the dog's bed(better than the attic,Nellie).<BR> Mitzi,maybe you can have someone else pack up his things and move back in your bedroom.It's hard to sleep alone in your bed,but it does get easier.<P> No,you don't see too many spouses just packing up and leaving if there wasn't somebody else.They would of done that years ago if the marriage was that horrible.They just found a BBD,that's all.What's so ironic,is that they can be so arrogant,as to think that we couldn't have done the same thing to them.They weren't perfect either,right? --Murph

Dana and Murph,<P>I still haven't been able to pack up his things yet. So, I'm still on the couch. I have a feeling that after the hearing next week, I'll be able to do it. My best friend has offered to help me do it. That may make it a little easier. <P>And no, he wouldn't have left if there hadn't been someone else. I had asked him to leave a few times because of the abuse and he said he was not going to leave his house. I know that he can't live on his own. He doesn't know how to take care of everything himself. And you're right, I could have been the one to have the affair. I was asked several times but couldn't do it.

To Murphy and Bill,<P>I agree all the way.<P>Mitzi,<P>I have a friend in WV, that I am gonna see this summer. If you are still on the couch, you let me know and I'll come box it up for you. You need to be getting your rest girl!<P>Thanks for all the emails Mitzi and let me know about the next court.<P>By the way, MY H violated court orders today. Didn't give me what the judge told him too> Anyone know what happens next on that issue??<P>Thanks to all for replying and sorry to see the new faces joining us every day. Dana<BR>