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#658846 04/19/00 09:15 PM
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Well, I finally asked my H back, ok the wimpy way of e-mail, and told him the our 2 daughters keep asking for us to get back together and I would really like it too. His response: "Lets just be friends . I've gone a long way to get where I am . I do <BR>not want to go back. I like being your friend. Please explain to the girls"<P>I was the one who was unfaithful 2 years ago, he filed for divorce and we were divorced within 1 year. I didn't want it to go that far. But, it did....<P>I guess that is my wake-up call to move on. How does someone move on?

#658847 04/19/00 09:46 PM
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{{{{{{{{{{<B>momof2</B>}}}}}}}}},<P>I'm sorry you H was so blunt in the way he responded...<BR>...he clearly hasn't grown healthier in 2 years time. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Only you will know when it's time to move on...<BR>...if there is someone who you are seeing now... that decision would be more clear... if not... it's going to take some time.<P>It is very unfair for your H to put the entire burden on you to tell(explain) your daughters!...If you ask me... <B>that</B> is "wimpy"!<P>I'm praying that you're healing... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Jim

#658848 04/19/00 10:16 PM
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Hmmm...moving on. Sometimes I wonder if the magic pill might be finding someone new. I don't think that's fair to the "new" person, but it sure would be nice to experience those feelings again. Might be the only thing to get over the loss of what might have been. I'm looking for the answer to that question myself.<P>I've tried everything else -- dancing lessons, going out with groups of friends, and seeing just about every movie that's come out in the past two years. Maybe it's time to try dating -- nothing else has worked.

#658849 04/19/00 10:39 PM
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Umm, I don't want to sound like a jerk here but... why did it take 2 years for you to ask this question? Gees, look at the way you "asked", you used your girls to try inspire him. He's probably thinking "same old story", she's not willing to say "I want you back" or "could WE work this out", or even "maybe WE could try again, take it slow". I have to tell you I have a similar situation to your H (time table wise) and the further I get down the road, the less likely I feel like reconcilling again. Maybe it's because I see so little real change in my XW. Maybe you shouldn't mention anything about your kids, really lay your heart on the line. It may get trampled upon, but I can almost guarantee he's looking for true sincerity. I disagree with Jim, I think maybe he has grown. His response to your inquiry wasn't hateful or maliciously hurtful. He just doesn't want to go back to the way it was... that's what MB is, learning new ways of communicating. Show him something real, all kids ask these questions, he's probably answered them too. Your marriage involves your kids, but it's not ABOUT your kids. It's was a coventent between you, your husband and God. Work thta angle, you might be surprised. My 2 cents.<P>Best Wishes and Prayers,<BR>Eric

#658850 04/20/00 01:34 PM
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I'm with Eric.<P>Most kids want their mother and father to be together. That's not news.<P>My wife has been involved in an ongoing 9 month affair. She is now talking D. I have been trying to convince her to keep the family together (for us, for our 2 kids). I am now coming to the realization that SHE would have to want this for me to accept it as real. And it would have to be for her and for us, not the kids.<P>So what would I want to hear? How about "I love you." "I don't want to live without you." etc. etc. You are going to have to lay your heart on the line. It's likely to get trampled a lot, before your wishes are ever truly considered.<P>Good Luck.

#658851 04/21/00 07:46 PM
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momof2,<P>I went and read some of your posts. I got the impression you have never admitted that you had an affair. Is that the case? You don't suppose that your H knows you had the affair and will not begin to think about reconcilliattion until he can trust you?<P>Further, Eric32 pointed out that you really didn't say you wanted him back. You said your children wanted him back. I doubt that the man is stupid, so my guess is that he feels that you just want to return to how it was. Meaning you could have another affair and change your mind.<P>If you have really changed and feel differently about him, then you two should sit down and really talk. Not just about remarrying, but about the past and what has changed. It would seem this is the first step to getting back together.<P>The issues of sex, affairs, what has changed with you and with him should really be addressed before remarriage is a valid topic.<P>Hope this helps.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

#658852 04/21/00 08:46 PM
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I do agree with the majority of the other posters - it isn't fair to use your children to get your husband back. My guess is he still is withholding a lot of pain and bitterness to what happened between the two of you. <P>There is nothing wrong with going back to square one and being friends and let a new deeper friendship develop. Let him see the woman he fell in love with many years ago and enjoy the babysteps along the way. I would think and hope your goal is for a better relationship than the one you used to have. He needs to really see that you have changed and needs lots of time to rebuild the trust in you. <P>I wish you well and remember no begging or pleading or he will turn and run oh so fast!<P>Missy2

#658853 04/21/00 09:38 PM
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momof2 Offline OP
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I do appreciate all the advice! I think I am just a very confused person, even after 2 years of separation! I would think by this time, I would have my head straight and start moving on with my life.<P>I never did admit to having an affair. My husband thought it and even had an idea of the person it was. We separated before he knew about the affair (the EA started a couple weeks earlier), we didn't talk too much. We immediately sold the house, he filed for divorce and that was it.... No turning back. I couldn't stop him because of the guilt I had. I didn't think I deserved to get him back. I saw him starting his life, back at square one, and he was moving along and starting to enjoy it. I couldn't make him go backwards. It took him so much to get over this. <P>I think my XH is such a great guy - good dad, great friend... I do need to figure out if it is really him that I want back or just the old life. I really had a great old life and miss it so much. <P>Everytime I start dating someone (which has only been twice since the divorce), I think of my XH and back out after a couple dates. I don't want to get too involved with anyone, in hopes that he will come back. I know, it sounds pretty pathetic... <P>OK, I am ready to hear it... I should get myself back into therapy!<P>Thanks again for all your advice. Some of the comments/advice was hard to swallow, but I definitely needed to hear it. I have only confided with one person about my affair, and I really needed to hear someone elses advice (I only hear "You did it so deal with it" from my sister" <P>

#658854 04/21/00 11:08 PM
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Momof2,<P>I feel for you...I really do. Although I am not sure I want my stbx back....I can't say that I would never say no. <P>I hate hearing .....you need to move on. There isn't a magic pill to help. Most people believe that moving on is finding a new person....a new relationship.<P>The custody evaluator and GAL said those words about me in their reports. I have moved on......but I guess not in the way they view it. Everyone moves on....no matter if they wanted to or not. But because I chose to not get involved with someone new right now.....heal.....use this time to better myself, by myself.....I guess, according to them, I am not moving on.<P>I feel that you can continue to grow and still leave the door ajar. It is when you are totally healed....that you can decide to slam it shut or open it wider.<P>Nancy

#658855 04/23/00 12:29 AM
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momof2: Nancy said it right - everyone heals at a different pace. Just because you aren't involved in a relationship doesn't mean your still sitting back and wallowing in your pain. And if that is what you are doing it will be when you are ready to wake up one day, look yourself in the mirror and say to yourself today I am going to live for me and the kids only and I may leave the door ajar should he want to come back some day. <P>My H is having an affair, living with her out of state but in spite of the pain he has caused me I still love him - I know I always will. Right now if he were to come back I would seriously give our marriage another chance. In a year or 2 I may or may not feel that way. This is not my husband right now - this is an alien that has come from mars and taken my H and replaced him with this thing. Yes, I am going through with the divorce to protect myself and the kids but am hating every step of the way. <P>Don't beat yourself up so badly. It is kind of like your sister said. Yes, you had the affair, you have guilt that will probably be with you the rest of your life. If you didn't have any I wouldn't think you to be a very good person. But now you have to learn to live with that guilt and try and bury it in your heart. You are still a good person, you still have beautiful children to help raise with your exH. Like I said before, enjoy the friendship you two have and see where it takes you. Most likely it will take a couple of years for him to forgive you. I know I rambled here sorry. <P>Enjoy the Easter Holiday with your Children. Keep us posted!<P>Missy2

#658856 04/22/00 07:40 PM
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momof2 Offline OP
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Missy2 and Nancy:<P>Thanks so much again for your advice and just taking the time to think about my situation and your suggestions. In the past two years I have not had one friend that wanted to discuss with me what was going on, how I felt or anything. I finally feel like I have someone to talk to, and someone who will give me their honest opinion.<P>I wish you both a very happy Easter with your families!<P>Karen


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