My husband of 3 1/2 years is in the military. The first year of our marriage he was overseas and we chose for me and my son from a first marriage (abusive,deserted) to stay behind due to schooling and my teaching contract. I saw no problem, just an opportunity to grow closer. I guess he got depressed, because despite my very frequent letters, packages, etc, he dropped the ball. The distance that developed then has been maintained, though we now live together as a family and have a 1 year old, in addition to my 7 year old ,whom he adopted. This is a lifetime committment, but it's hard to face the reality of our emotional disance. His job (he owes 2 or so more years) gives him no control, so he likes to control when he comes home--even if he's not equipped to do so (for example, he's horrible with $$, but insisted on taking charge anyway, and dropped us into a pit of debt I'm now forced---by him--to get us out of). I also feel I can't trust him because over the last two years, he's lied an awful lot. I'm a strong person and I know he feels threatened by me. Sometimes I really wish I had someone to lean on...I don't have a clue about how to reconcile this situation. I know he needs affection, but when he hugs me, I feel sick inside. Maybe ist's hurt or fear, but whatever it is, it's horrible. We don't kiss, and rarely share the same bedroom (though the door is always open). His job, again, gets in the way because he comes home no earlier than 8-9 pm after leaving at 7-8 am. He says he CAN'T find time, though he wants to. He's always tired and stressed. I want us to have the FRIENDSHIP we used to have, but how can we when he doesn't have TIME? We don't do anything but go to church (and lunch after--somewhere cheap!) together--we're even looking for a new church because our old one refused to offer marital counseling--so that's stressful too! HELP!!!! I want to be close again, but I'm having a hard time finding my way through the forest of neglect, lies, and hurt feelings. Any advice?

Hello Heather,
<br>I believe that a lot of military bases/posts have family support which offers free counseling. I know it's hard to work on your marriage when your spouse is rarely ever home. I hope you both find common ground.

Hi Heather
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<br>You dont say what post you are at but Im sure they have a class for spouses called Army Family Team Building (AFTB) look into it, I know from experience that it helps a lot of wives understand their husbands jobs. Check into the unit family support group for support also.
<br>As far as marital problems yours sound not as bad as some in the military, check out a website called world wide marriage encounter
<br>the site address is www.wwme.org This organization is great they run weekends to help you and your spouse get closer see if you can get a weekend where you are and talk your H into going.
<br>I have been where you are and if you dont get help now it will only get worse.

Thanks for the replies. I'll try the web site and see what I can find on the net. There is a problem with the other, though. My husband is in the Navy and he's recruiting in an area that is eight hours from the closest base where you can get support of that sort. I've tried to find church and Christian counseling in this area, but the prospects aren't looking good. I've (we've) tried various ideas over the last two years, but they never do the job, or even improve things for very long. To be honest, I think I could deal with the disappointments of military life and the hard hours, if it weren't for everything else (though, maybe not). After the lies and the wasting of money and the broken promises, it's hard to respect someone, let alone love them. I won't say I don't love my husband, because I don't think that's something that goes away, but right now we're definitely on a downer. I'm really at a loss for how to regain that lost admiration I used to have for him. He says he still has it for me. I have a hard time remembering what it was we used to have in the way of friendship. Personally, I know the Navy hasn't helped our situation at all--he's in a high tech field and therefore, he's always worked long hours. Since recruiting, it has been worse--really, 10 pm is his average time getting home. His immediate superiors don't do their jobs, yet enjoy yelling at everyone else, like it's their fault if goals don't get met. How frustrating. And I do understand that. I've offered to sit with him in the am with coffee and help him plan his day (he asked because I'm good at organization--he's not), but it might happen once every three months and the rest of the time I have to play ALARM CLOCK and chase a grumpy him out of his bed so he's not late for work. I don't want to be his mom--I want to be his partner.
<br>If I let him take something over (that we should be doing together, but he's dumped on me) it either doesn't get done, or he messes it up (when he took over the finances I had an excellent credit rating--now it stinks). I thought God and family were more important than work, but I'm not seeing it. He'll say he can't help it---Is the military really that unreasonable ALL OF THE TIME? What do I do? Suffer for two more years, then hope it gets better? Sometimes I'm ready just to leave and make nmy own way for as many years as it takes him to grow up (he's 2 1/2 years younger than me--I tease him and tell him he's got until he's 30, but sometimes I think I'm serious.) ARGH!

Heather
<br>Im glad you told us what your husband does that clears things up quite a bit. I have heard that recruiting duty is the hardest there is; thank God my husband never had to do it. Navy is not too much different from Army; both spend much time away from home.
<br>A bit of advice for you dont nag and dont give your husband too much to do around the house. This may sound rough on you but he needs lots of help from you at this time. His job is such a high stress job that it may be taking all his energy. Try doing the finances together so it is done the way you like but he also has a say in things.
<br>Try doing things together, go on dates at least once a week. take up a hobby together
<br>be a couple and not 2 individuals. See if you can get him to go on a marriage encounter weekend if there is one in your area, go during his leave time if you need to, tell him how important it would be to you and that it would be a great gift from him to you.
<br>Hope you checked out that website. Try getting the book light his fire by Ellen Kreidman they probably have it in the library.
<br>If you would like we can e-mail eachother in the future.
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Dede-thanks again for your response. I've been busy with classes and haven't had time to "play" on the net recently. Actually, it's 4am and I'm supposed to be typing a paper, but I decided to take a ten minute break. I appreciate the suggestions, but do you know what all of them require? Time. He can never find any. In fact, last week's crisis was that I almost had to drop a class mid-semester because he decided he can't get home to babysit in the evening once a week ANYMORE (he's only done it twice now, including today, since August...I've had to beg friends or take the kids to class the other times and I've run out of options) So much for support. My professors, who are tring to get me some editing work to help me with tuition, are more supportive than he is. It's just darn depressing. The problem with 'Light His Fire' (which I have--it's good) is that I really don't want to. I hate to say it, but my fondest wish when he finally does come home is that he won't hug and kiss me like he wants to. It wakes me feel...sick isn't exactly the word, but it's close enough. Sex isn't even in our vocab, though I offer occassionally and he knows he can ask. Shared beds went out the window about the same time the baby arrived (now a year old)---he left at first because the baby messed up his beauty rest, then I left because I was uncomfortable/ annoyed. I don't know how to turn that aroun. I think if he'd back off and start from scratch (just friends?) for a while, it might heal some wounds, but he can't remember for more than 30 minutes to give me space. Right now I don't like him very much---all he does is act tired and sick and put out about everything. I can not say anything for weeks (as far as doing stuff around the house goes) and nothing changes. We moved into this house almost two years ago and the pantry door that fell off almost immediately is still off, the deck is still unfinished, and the garage is still a mess...I guess it'll all get done by my dad when he comes next year to help us move. We can't talk without him becoming defensive and if I try to lighten things up by teasing (we used to joke around all the time), he gets sullen. He won't even let my son flick water at him in jest without getting annoyed. I don't know what to do because he's so totally no help, we don't get along, and his attitude is being noticed by little pitchers. Oh well, some good news...we are going to a pastoral counseling center tomorrow--I hope the guy we see is good. I checked out retrouvaille and ME, but there are no weekends around us until 1999. If things seem OK then and he can find the time, I'd like to go. Thanks for the suggestion. Any more ideas?

Heather,
<br>I just wanted to write to you, because I have experienced alot of the things you were talking about. My H is also in the Navy, we also have a one year old, we've also had problems with irresponsibility and lying. I tried to go back to school, but found it extremely difficult on both me and my son. My husband is gone overnight at least three days a week. It is so hard to have any kind of life of your own as a Navy wife. Cheating and divorce are so common. I have wondered many times myself if it is worth it. Many of my friends live with thier husbands, but don't have much of a relationship. What is worse is that the Navy encourages sailors to put their duty to their country before their duty to their family. Alot of the guys are very negative towards women. Your husband sounds like he wants to work it out. His situation makes it very hard on him as well. How long will he be recruiting? Has he tried discussing this with his command? What about taking some leave?
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Heather;
<p>One answer to your marriage counseling problems is to use the phone counseling here at Marriage Builders. Because you don't necessarily have to be at the same place at the same time, (or put up with the 'travel' time), it can be very convenient. I also think very highly of Steve Harley here, and he's been a very effective counselor for me.
<p>The other issue concerns the time factor. Although the military can be a very good career, I'd suggest that he look to get out of it. No matter how 'technically orientated' he is, I'm sure that he could land on his feet in the private sector. That's going to take a huge leap of faith on his part, but it's certainly something to consider if he wants to put his family 'first'.
<p>I'm glad that you're going to get some counselling. It sounds like you are certainly becoming disillusioned with the marriage, and what you're saying here sounds like the warning signs that my wife was putting out before she had her affair. And (of course), I was clueless about it.

Hello Heather, I first want to say that I know exactly were you are coming from. I married my high school sweetheart, one week later he went to Kuwait for ONE year. Then he got a new homeport. I had bought a home where we got married (i was 18!) , set up a life and then decided it wasnt right, so i rented the house out and moved to SC , found out he cheated on me and we divorced(after 7 years), then i met my husband now(who i met on the navy base), and we moved in together one week after we met!! We really hit it off and have been together for 4 yrs now(married for 3). We lost twin babies together, and had a preemie girl together. She has several med. problems and he feels this need to work long hours. The distance since our daughter is very wide now and the weird thing , is that we know it.I wish that i could help you but i'm kinda in the same boat. You would think a baby would bring everyone closer. Ours did in a way, b/c she almost died but then the strane of working seperates us...good luck..by the way where are you stationed?